29 August 2011

Hookers, Blow and Death by Penis

I often find myself engaged in ridiculous conversations. After such conversations, I am generally unable to figure out how the subject changed so drastically from "how was your day" to the death of a penis. There is really no logical path from point A to penis death. It happens though. Regularly.

Having said that, there is no way I can narrate the beginning of the conversation, which may have begun with having to get booster shots for my middle kid for kindergarten. 

Husband is on medication, actually a few of them that carry the warning, "if you experience an erection lasting for four hours, seek immediate medical attention". For some reason we are discussing this. I am slightly alarmed by the bold writing and dire message on the side effects list. 

Husband? He is not alarmed. He thinks that it would be awesome. 

"A. If you had an erection for four hours, we would have to call in back ups. I am so not down for four hours. There would be nothing fun about four hours. We would have to get hookers. And blow, probably. Yep. Hookers and blow." I do not know the connection between hookers and blow, only that my Daddy never says the word "hooker" without including the word "blow". They are like peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese... or something. 

"Plus also, if you have an erection for over four hours and you don't go to the doctor? You will probably die."

Husband laughs at me. "You don't die from it, Krissy."

" I think you probably do. Or at least, I think your penis would die. Then you would have a dead penis. That's probably bad, right? I mean truly, if it dies, wouldn't they have to cut it off or something, gangrene and all that. It would spread and kill you, then that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? We would have to put it on your headstone..'Here lies A. Killed by his penis. Erections can kill'. We would probably have to start some sort of public awareness thing.. with, like, ribbons and car magnets and stuff."

Husband is blinking at me. He then feels the need to correct my thinking with something loosely resembling facts. "What really happens is that the blood gets trapped in the penis, it can't circulate, so it just stays there."

"Trapped? In the penis?"

"Yeah, it's like honeycomb in there, sorta. When the blood can't circulate, it gets trapped in there and then.. something happens anyway." 

"Honeycomb. Like with bees in it? Poor bees. That would be worse than death by penis, I think."

I am thoroughly enjoying the look of utter confusion and concern on Husband's face. 

"Cause probably the bees would die right? Just drown in blood and maybe semen, right? That? Would be a really shitty way to die I think." I am struggling to keep a grin off my face. Because it makes me giggle when people take me all serious like A is doing right now.

He frowns. He wrinkles up his eyebrows. He thinks that maybe I have totally lost my mind.
"No, the semen isn't in the honeycomb. It's in the... There are obviously no bees in the honeycomb either... That's just ridiculous." He ponders a moment and then wonders aloud if maybe I should be taking some of his psyche meds.

"Hell NO! I don't wanna die. I don't even have a penis. What the hell happens if you don't have a penis?"

"Krissy, you don't die from it. Plus if you don't have a penis then you don't get an erection..."

"No shit A. I'm not retarded you know. I passed sex ed. Speaking of sex ed... We really have to get C. that booster shot for kindergarten...."

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