30 August 2011

The Psychology of Donkey Sex

The conversation probably started out innocently enough. In fact it probably started with the fact that I want to be a cowboy when I grow up.

"A cowboy? Don't you mean a cowgirl, Krissy?" T. asks .

"Absolutely not, T. Cowgirls have to do laundry and cook and stuff. I suck at all that. So, I am gonna be a cowboy when I grow up. Except, horses seem to hate me. So, I'll have to get a donkey. Can you still be a cowboy if you ride a donkey? Probably I will have to move to Mexico and be a cowboy. Mexican cowboys ride donkeys, right?" 

T. ponders. M ponders. I am not pondering. Not really.

"They have donkey shows in Mexico." M states, because, quite obviously, the next logical course of discussion in a conversation of this depth is Mexican Bestiality. I mean, really, where else could this have possibly led?

T smirks. 
"Ohmigod!" M says, loudly. "T! You have so been to a donkey show, haven't you?" This is a logical  assumption, because T was in the Army and is therefore our expert guest in all things sexually depraved. 

T maybe actually blushes. Or the alcohol has gotten to his face. 

"Well, it's sorta like a train wreck, you know. You don't want to look, but you kinda have to. You are compelled to look, just to see if it's real. Like 'Holy shit! Is that chick really banging a donkey!?'."

M ponders. I ponder. T is not pondering. T is reminiscing.

"Only that one time though. I mean, if you go more than once to a donkey show? You have problems."

M decides that she would like to see a donkey show. Just once. But then, she would also like to talk to the donkey show lady, and possibly the donkey, if the donkey is of the speaking type. Obviously.

"Really though, T? Krissy? Do you think that the donkey that is doing the human is socially outcast from the other donkeys? That the other donkeys are all like ' Ugh. Don't even talk to Billy, he did a human' you know?"

I find myself wondering if donkey are social creatures. 
It is at this point in the evening that I decide that we are almost certainly going to Hell. That just by listening to these words, I have  almost certainly damned my eternal soul. To Hell. 

 I am fairly confident at this point that whatever forces rule the universe? If there is actually no Hell? They will probably make a Hell. Just for us three, analyzers of donkey sex. I decide that there is probably a room especially for us in the depths of Hell, with a sign probably that says, "Reserved for participants of serious donkey show conversations."

M is not done of course, she is all kinds of analytical. "I mean really, how does one even become involved in a donkey show?"

I realize that I have always wondered the same thing. I didn't know I was wondering it. It was mostly a hidden wondering that she has brought out of me. I have actually never really thought about a donkey show, but now I am. Now I want to question the donkey show lady as well. Also? If there is a Hell? M is probably the devil because I am now also all serious about the psychology of Mexican donkey sex.

 Sonofabitch, she has reeled me into the conversation. I was a detached observer, but now? I am a willing participant. Straight to Hell probably. All three of us.

"Right, M. I mean really, how does the conversation even come about? Like in a  bar? Like 'Hey, Lady. Can I buy you a beer? You know I have this awesome barn at my house. And  really, really sexy donkey. What d'ya say we go back to my place and engage in some donkey sex?'" I am giggling. Holy shit. I am gonna have to go to confession. I am not Catholic, but I probably should be going to confession anyway.

"You are both fucked up. You know that, right?" Says T. He is probably thinking about how he is now also going to go to Hell.

M snickers. "Ahem. Says the only one of us that has actually witnessed a donkey show. We merely want to know how she would find herself in the position that someone would feel comfortable asking her to do a donkey on stage. Don't you wonder why she would do such a thing, T?"

T drinks his beer. Looks at M and I like we are carnival sideshow freaks.

"No, I don't wonder. Know why? Because I am a man. As a man, I don't really think about how the situation has come about. I'm just like ' Holy shit! She is really fucking a donkey!', and then I don't think about it anymore. You guys though? Are seriously screwed up."

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