06 September 2011

Anal Raping Mud Bugs

T and I were in a very involved conversation. For once, there were no jokes, no funny things. For something like four hours.

Outside, at the campfire, M and D were having their own very involved surreal conversation about mud daubers. 

As T and I walked from the back door toward the fire, we heard only, "I don't know what a 'mud dauber' is, but I am pretty sure it was an anal raping mud bug."

T stopped for a second.

I stopped for a second.

Then of course, there was really no option but to continue on toward the fire. D was explaining to the four or five people gathered at the fire that the bug had broken down his door and came straight for him, in what was obviously an attempt of man-rape. I have not been drinking, so I can not really fathom where this conversation could have possibly originated. 

"Anal raping mud bug D? Truly?"

D is not joking. He does not smile. He tells me that the bug's penis was quite obviously pointing at him. He tells me that the three of them, D, B and some midget looking dude were in the camper, getting something or another ready for some reason, and the mud dauber had flown in through the open door. 

They saw it, the three of them. Apparently, even though midget dude claims to have seen one before and knows what it is, he is scrunched up in a corner... quivering and rocking back and forth. He may have also been sobbing.

B? He is apparently the smartest of the three. He darts around the flying penis bug and runs. Just hightails it out of the vicinity, leaving D to fight the bug alone. 

"Hey! I thought we were supposed to be bros Man!" D screams through the open door while flailing at the bug wildly. I have heard a rumor that he screamed like a girl, and tried to run away. 

At this point in the story, my skeptisism must be easily read in my expression, because D tries to justify his terror.

"Krissy. It had a gun. It tried to rape me. I feel violated."

Midget Guy throws his two cents in, "Haven't you ever heard of a mud dauber?" Oddly, he says nothing about the mud daubers propensity for anal rape.

D goes on to claim that the mud bug was wearing armor, quite possibly a bat suit. He assures me that they are  indestructible and therefore must be intent on anal rape. A logical conclusion, I think.

Obviously.

Someone should do something about this I think. There should probably be a study conducted.  So in the interest of protecting my friends, I have armed myself with information obtained from google.com.

Mud daubers are freaking scary looking. Their ass ends hand down while they are flying, which I am assuming is what the guys took to be the penis.

There is no information or statistics available regarding sexual deviance in this species of wasp.


1 comment:

  1. I just have to say that while I do not like normally defending D, I was witness to this anal raping bug shortly after this story was told. The weird thing was it flew in D's front door the day after we talked about it. I have never seen a mud dauber, but when it flew in the door I knew exactly what it was. (altho i did not see its penis). When D saw it, we both screamed and ran - me thru the front door, D out the back. As he ran I heard him yell "Holy SHit!!!!!!!!!!!" and from the bloodcurdling way he screamed I knew HE knew it was the same bug - possibly coming back for a taste of his sweet ass. I immediately apologized to D for doubting him as we caught our breath in the yard. I will make him look manly and pretend that he was the one that searched the house with a fly swatter...oh what the hell - I searched the house with a fly swatter while he was behind me hanging onto me for dear life. We never found it....it may still be possibly laying in wait for him....hahahaha
    .....M

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