I have quite a few little phrases that I pass out to random people on a regular basis. Sometimes, though, after a certain amount of alcohol has entered my system? I proceed to run all of my phrases together in a not so logical monologue. To strangers. Because they are way more fun to mess with than people that already know me. Also, I tend to talk way too fast and forget to breathe during this speech.
"Hi! How are ya? I'm Krissy, by the way."
At which point said stranger generally asks me how I am doing.
"I am all kinds of awesome. And also modest. Ha! I love me. I love me. I'm the best I ever had! I learned that from my Daddy, you know. Which sounds pretty fucked up doesn't it? It wasn't though. It was mostly indirect. Because my brother actually learned it from my Daddy and then told me about it.
I am not a bad girl you know? I still have the box that the cherry came in. I learned that one from my brother, who may have learned it from my daddy, but I am not for sure. Jeez that sounds fucked up too, huh? Maybe I should tell people that I learned these things from people that are not related to me. The cherry thing? I didn't even get that joke until just a few years ago.
My cousin used to call me a two cent slut, which I also didn't get for the longest time.
Know what that is? It's brain sucker. Know what it's doing? Ha! It's starving to death. That's from my daddy again. I didn't really get it until I was sixteen or so. Sorry. I should maybe not go around just squeezing people's heads. Especially people I don't even know. That's sort of rude, huh? I will do it from over here. See? Now, I am just squishing your head. Squishy head. Ha! Squishy is a funny word. Always makes me giggle. And also? The word waterhead makes me giggle. Its wrong and I am certainly going to go to hell for it. But really, it does.
I know I shouldn't laugh, because water on the brain is very serious, nothing funny at all about it. But the term waterhead? Gets me every time. Also window-licker. Makes me laugh I mean. I certainly didn't mean that you are a window-licker. That would be even more rude than touching your head.
I tried to binge drink one time. Which is, apparently, not something that one can just leap right into. You have to work your way up to binge drinking probably. And also? You should not eat while you are attempting binge drinking because it just makes you want to go to bed. Which makes you a quitter, and no one likes a quitter.
Did I mention that I am probably going to be a cowboy when I grow up?Or possibly a ninja. I am still mostly undecided. Kind of a toss up. If I had a horse already? I would just run with the whole cowboy thing. But I don't. I would have to buy a horse. I should probably just be a ninja. Less start up cost that way, right? Plus, I would have to feed the horse, and to be honest, sometimes I forget to feed myself. And also I killed a cactus one time. Anyone that kills a cactus should probably not be allowed to have a live horse. Which is not to say that I would like a dead horse. Who would want a dead horse? Of course then I wouldn't have to worry about feeding it... something to think about I guess.
My friend H? He pokes me in the arm all the time, not like hard or anything. It' mostly a joke. But I think it would be a funnier joke if we go some other bar where we don't know anyone.. and poke random strangers. In the arm I mean, poke them in the arm like H does. Want to?
Like right now, let's go to a bar and poke people. Not a strip club though, you are not supposed to touch the strippers I think. I do not have very much knowledge of strip clubs, but I am pretty sure you get thrown out for poking strippers. And possibly you even go to jail. That would be a stupid thing to go to jail for wouldn't it? I'd have to lie. I'd be all embarrassed to be in jail for poking people in the arm. Like, 'hey what are you in for Krissy?' Then I'd have to say manslaughter or something equally intimidating.
So...anyway? How is your day going?"