I could feel the crazy in my eyes. H could see it. A could see it. I was working, being all kinds of ridiculous, desperate to not let the events of the last few days catch up to my thoughts.
H puts his arm around my shoulder, leads me to the doorway. "Deep breath, Krissy. Deep breath. Look at that tree. Isn't that an awesome tree? That would be a great tree to climb, wouldn't it?" It would be. H knows I like to climb trees, especially when life is overwhelming. I refuse to analyze why that is. I feel a moment of peace standing there, staring at the tree. Tears come to my eyes and I go back to my work, forcing all the crazy thoughts out of my head.
Later? After work, A says that I seem to be a bit manic. I am. I am running as fast and far as my mind will let me. I decide to paint. Paint everything I can.
I walk in the door with four gallons of clearance sale paint and a few rollers. M looks scared. M looks like she maybe wants to take me to the hospital and admit me with Husband.
"Hi? How was work?" She asks me, hesitantly.
"Fine. I'm painting. You want to paint?" M stares at me, she is all kinds of worried.
"Um. Well, do you want to talk or something?" She asks.
"Nope." Because there are tears coming again. "No talking. I am painting."
"Okay, well, uh. I am gonna run to McDonald's. I'll be right back, are you gonna be okay?"
"Fine. I'm fine. Just painting." I am smiling, but from the expression on M's face, I suspect it has a sort of terrifying effect. She leaves. I start to paint. No tape. No prep work. I cut in around the room.
When M returns I am all into painting. I have cut in around the room, painted as much of myself as I have the room, and the baby has paint on his butt cheeks. No shit. M brought T with her. T looks scared too. They offer me beer, because that is how we process emotion around here.
I think that I have never seen T and M look so worried. I am attempting to make small talk, aware that my voice is an octave or two too high, so I stop. I focus on painting.
"Krissy? Have you eaten today?" M asks me.
"Yep. Ate tacos. At work." They don't believe me. M texts H to confirm, then texts A also, just in case H is lying for me.
Satisfied that I have in fact eaten that day, we are all drinking beer and talking about M's drama. Because I like other people's drama more than my own. M suggests that we should make boob prints with the paint. T says he will leave the room. We do not make boob prints, although I think it would have been awesome. I go to pee. When I return, T has painted a stick figure on my wall. A stick figure with gigantic boobs. M has painted a penis. I love these guys.
They are narrating their actions, anticipating the blog entry. .."And then T, the sleepless stripper..." Says T, and I collapse into giggles that almost become tears. I jump up and roll the wall, considered leaving the stick figure and penis, but then decided the kids may be damaged by them. I was sorry to roll over them.
At some point, my legs threatened to give out. I had been running on adrenaline for too long I guess, and my body was tired, even if my mind was not. T and M were scared again. They got all kinds of serious.
"For fuck's sake, guys... this is like an episode of Friends." I tell them.
T tells me to sit. "You know, even if you think your mind can take a lot more stress, at some point, your body can not. You have to stop, rest."
Tears in my eyes again. God damn it!
"Really, Krissy. If you don't stop, you are going to hurt yourself. Listen to your body, before you end up in the damn hospital."
"Pshaw. Like I am going to take advise from T the sleepless stripper!" But I know that he is right. I have never felt so awful in my life. My legs refuse to do what I want them to, my hands are shaking, my head is pounding and I think maybe the bugs I am seeing are not entirely real....There is a feeling that I will simply explode if there is anymore stress piled on top of me.
I agree to sleep. They do not believe me. They stay until I am sleeping, they drink beer in the living room and I am comforted by their presence. T is gone when I wake up in the morning, M is sleeping on the couch.
I realize, quite suddenly, that I have the best friends in the entire world. Truly.
I love you guys.