16 April 2012

Dear Random Jack-offs: Bartending Rants

Tending bar wasn't actually my life goal. I took the job because I was young and broke and had a baby to feed. I discovered quickly that I loved it. I love the pace of it, the interaction with people. I am one of the few fortunate people that can genuinely say that I love my job. 


I've been thinking about my job lately, and about the patrons at various bars. I have bartended shit holes and night clubs. I have run my ass off in hooker boots and also worked in my pajamas on one boss-is-desperate occasion. I love people. 


Since I have been all inspired to release my frustrations by Seth's blog, which can be read here,here are a few of my observations, and also some advise, in case you can identify with any of the situations detailed below. 
If you can?
 Stop it. 
Stop it right the fuck now.

1. Do not assume that since I am a bartender I am also a drug user. It pisses me the fuck off.  If I wasn't a high-energy, outgoing-person by nature, I would have never been a bartender in the first place.

Do not offer me drugs as a tip. I am here to feed my kids. I can not feed my kids cocaine. 

Fuck stick.

2. There is nothing wrong with being a stripper. Still, I am not a stripper. I'm a bartender. Don't ask me to see my tits. For any amount of money. Go to a strip club if you want to pay to see boobs. 
Jack off.

3. Don't tell me you know the owner and expect special treatment. Everyone knows the owner. Everyone is the owner's best fucking friend. Don't expect it to get you anywhere. I'm going to treat you like anyone else unless the owner tells me to my face that you are his best friend and can drink for free... Which never happens, by the way. A bar is a fucking business.

4. No matter how much money you spend at the bar while I am working, it is not my shit to give away. If you make me feel bad enough to buy you a round, I'm taking it out of my tip jar and therefore away from my family. 
Knock it the fuck off. 

5. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. I've heard it all. Even if you really are in a loveless marriage and your wife is a castrating bitch who won't have sex with you anymore...I will nod, smile, advise you to seek a divorce, take your tip money and still not let you get in my pants. 

Similarly, that young lady you are trying to get drunk and take home? Do not expect or assume that I will lie for you, or watch you lie to her. I am going to tell her that you are married when you get up to pee. I may or may not embellish the truth with a little white lie that you are not only married, but you have five kids, no job and herpes. Because I can respect honesty, but playing games with people pisses me right the hell off.

6. Tips do not buy loyalty. If you are an asshole at the end of the night, even if you do tip 100% on every single beer, you're still an asshole and I will still kick you out. 

7. Don't be the guys standing toe to toe talking shit to each other. It doesn't make you look like anything more than a pussy. I won't step in. I will stand behind the bar and laugh at you because if you were gonna do something, you'd have done it. 
Don't stand in the middle of the bar, yelling at each other like school girls.
You're a jack-off.
 Knock it off.

Similarly, leave the bar fights to me. If I need help, I'll yell for it. While I appreciate your concern for my safety, your involvement before that point will only intensify the situation and then you are going to go to jail or the hospital and I am going to have to clean up blood. 
I really, really hate cleaning up blood.

Also, if the guy you were talking shit to for banging your girlfriend ten years ago in high school, later gets drunk, grows balls, and sucker punches you....I can't really blame him  and I won't choose sides. 

If you are only beginning to talk shit and the other person decks you instead of talking shit back, I can't really blame him either. You shouldn't step into the shit if you aren't prepared for it. Like my friend T says, if you are going to be stupid, you better be tough.

8. While I can match you shot for shot and still be drinking while you are drooling on my bar, there is a lot of shit I have to do before I get to go home. I appreciate the offer to buy me a drink, but save it for when I am on the other side of the bar and give me the two bucks as a tip.

I know you mean well, so you are not a jack-off.

9. Money isn't everything, you fucking egotistical, self-important douchebag. If you see someone only leave me a 50 cent tip, or a dollar, or nothing at all after drinking for a while? Keep your fucking mouth shut. 
Maybe you think you are helping me out by giving the guy a little shit as he walks out.
 Maybe you think he is being an asshole or trying to insult me. 
Maybe you think he's a loser.
 I don't care.
 I probably know that the guy hasn't worked in months and that his mom sick and going downhill fast and that he has a family to take care of... and that the 50 cents on the bar is really all he can afford to leave. Maybe you think he shouldn't be in a bar if he can't afford to tip. Maybe you should not be a fucking cock holster and just keep your mouth shut about shit you know nothing about.
Making that borderline suicidal guy feel even worse just makes you- right, you guessed it- a jack-off.

10. An apology goes a hell of a long way. I know, probably better than most people, that alcohol can cause people to do and say fucked up shit. If you are out of line, or rude, or start a fight on my shift or are just generally an asshole? A simple "I'm sorry for being a dick the other night." means a lot to me. 
You are not a jack off.

People get drunk and do dumb shit. I don't judge people because of it. Shit happens. If, however, you find yourself having to apologize for every evening you spend in the bar? 
You are should consider a twelve step program.