23 April 2012

10 More Bartending Rants

Just so everyone knows... these rants are the result of years of tending bar. Once again, none of these are about any one person. 

Number One
"Here's the money for the beer. Or for you, which ever..." 
Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. 


Would you do that at Walmart, or the gas station, or anywhere else for that matter? 

Could you imagine telling a sales clerk, "Here's the 20.00 for the shirt I'm buying, unless you just want to keep the money for yourself... which would be, you know, illegal as fuck, not to mention immoral."

Sure, the beer is only $2.00.
Where I come from though, stealing is still fucking stealing, whether it's two dollars, two hundred or two thousand.
If I had any respect for you when you came in the bar?
I don't have any now.

Number Two
"...and she wants a shot of (insert name of whatever shot she absolutely does not want here). Don't listen to her she wants it, just get her one. No really, she'll take it, just give it to her..."
Please don't make me sell you a shot of water that she can pretend is alcohol just to shut you up.

Number Three
When I ask you what you would like to drink, don't ever say, "A shot of [blank] and your phone number."
 It's not smooth. 
It's not going to work.
You look like a fucking douche bag. 
Stop it.

Number Four
"Can I take my drink with me?"
Especially not now, since I know you are going to.
People sneak drinks out, we all know this. 
We can't let you waltz out the damn door while you're sipping it. 
It's against the law. 
If I catch you doing it, and you attempt to sneak it out another door? It makes me want to hit you with anything that I happen to have handy. 

Number Five
"How much is Jager? Oh. Well, how much is Jose? Goldschlager? Stoli? All the other liquors I can think of to do a shot of?"

Holy shit man.

 I don't have the time or the patience to list the price of every fucking liquor in the building. 
If you want a $2.00 shot? Ask me what we have for $2.00.

Number Six
"You charge for pop/juice/bottled water?"
Since there is no magical free-pop/juice/bottled water-bearing fairy, someone has to pay for it.
Which means we have to charge you for it.
That's how business works. 
If we buy shit to give away, we probably won't be doing it for very long.

Number Seven
Before you dance up on a band member, or try to sing into his microphone, or begin some prepubescent game of steal-the-hat-from-the-guitar-player, or attempt to fondle any part of any member of the band?

You should maybe consider the fact that the band might have a long list of loved ones at the bar to watch them perform.

 It embarrasses me to watch you and know that the guy's mother is sitting at the front table, or that his wife/kids/girlfriend/ are there to watch him perform. 
Or that it's the first gig his extended family could all make it out to and that it is quite possibly his grandmother, grandfather, two aunts, his uncle and thirteen cousins sitting at the table.

Maybe also consider that the entire bar is watching the band, while you are trying to grab the singer's balls.

I'm not telling you not to have a good time, just maybe think about what you're doing. 
Ask the guy if his family is there, or if he's single, or at least consider whether what you are about to do could be prosecuted as sexual assault.

I guess I could say the same thing about the men and women performers, except I can't recall seeing a man make such a complete ass out himself with a female performer in front of the entire bar.

That's a lie.

I've seen men try to sing with the band.
 I've never seen men try to dance on members of the band like they were fucking stripper poles.
Not in any of the bars I've worked in, or drank in. 
So I'm guessing that it's a drunk girl thing.

Number Eight
You are wearing a skirt, for fuck's sake, wear underwear.
Probably someone, somewhere, wants to see your shit.
I don't.
Enough said.

Number Nine
"The other bartender know's what I'm drinking..." 


The other bartender is filling an order for 36 shots of 12 different liquors... so how about you tell me what the fuck you want instead of making me interrupt what she is doing?

If you don't know?

 I mean, if you really don't know what you are drinking?

I am going to sign you up for some Stranger-danger class or something.

In case no one has ever told you, I'm going to tell you now;
If someone says to you, "Here, drink this. Don't worry about what it is, you'll like it..."
You should probably not fucking drink it.

You should probably start yelling that the guy is not your daddy and run to the nearest grown up for help. 
You are one of those, "can you make me something fruity" people, in which case, you fucking suck.
Stop it.

Number Ten
Are you under the impression that we throw the ashtrays away every night and get new ones in the morning?
Does it simply not occur to you that if you put anything, anywhere in the bar, someone is going to be cleaning it up? 
I realize you pay for your service... but maybe consider the fact that picking your gum out of the ashtrays is a pain in ass and also that IT'S FUCKING GROSS. 
I'm not asking you to mix your own drinks or get your own food. 
I'm simply asking for a little... NOT PICKING YOUR FUCKING GUM OUT THE ASHTRAY AT THE END OF THE NIGHT...kind of courtesy.

1 comment:

  1. I'm one of the make me something fruity people. =(