17 April 2012

Dear Everyone Else; Bartending Rants and Truths

These are just some truths about my job that some of you may or may not know...

Dear Bar Owners,
I understand that you cannot trust me right away. Honest bartenders are few and far between and worth their weight in gold.

I understand the fact that you are placing your livelihood in my hands when you leave me to tend the bar. But give me some goddamn credit in the intelligence department for fuck's sake.
Even the most idiotic criminal is not going to steal $100 from the register and leave it on the books to be discovered. I have seen the most creative ways to rob a bar blind, none of them were that fucking simple.

If my drawer is short - it is not because I am ringing up drinks and not putting money in the register.
How fucking retarded do you think I am?
 It's more likely because I have over rang something or given someone the wrong change... in other words, an honest fucking mistake that I don't mind mind paying you for.

Worse that being short in the register? The bar tender that is consistently over in the drawer, because chances are they are putting the money in the drawer and not ringing in the sale with the intention of removing the money later.

Do not bar people and then turn around and let them back into the bar. The few dollars that you make off of them is not worth the bullshit they cause that we have to put up with when people realize they can essentially get away with fucking murder in your bar with no repercussions.

Do not tell me to serve someone that I have already cut off unless you are prepared to come in and cover my shift. Again, the money is not worth the bullshit they cause that I have to deal with. 

Do not listen to the shit people say about your bartenders. Rumors spread through bars like wild fires. They are almost always based on speculation and warped beyond reason. 
Use your fucking common sense.

Dear Regular Customers

Laws are laws. 
Do not ask for favors,.
I don't care how many nights a week you drink in the bar. I don't care how well I known you, if your new girlfriend comes in with a birth certificate, car registration and an affidavit signed by Jesus, I am still not going to serve her if she does not have a photo ID.

Similarly, in Indiana, carry out is illegal on Sundays. Don't ask me to slip you a six out the back.

Don't tell me that so and so let you do what ever the fuck it is you want me to let you do. 
I don't care. 
I am not so and so. 
Not only are you asking me to put the bar at risk of a fine, you are asking me to jeopardize my license.

I sell beer and guns. These are not incredibly marketable skills, and if you are asking me to jeopardize my license and therefore my livelihood, don't be surprised when I ask you if you are prepared to feed my children and pay my bills for the foreseeable future.

I am not trying to be a bitch or ruin your night, I just have kids to feed.

Also, stay the fuck out from behind my bar.

Dear Everyone Else,

Don't.

 Fucking. 

Touch.

 Me.

Just because I serve you beers does not grant you license to grab my ass, unless you would like me to squeeze your balls.
Hard.
You too, Ladies. Just because you don't have a dick doesn't mean it is okay to slap my ass. 
Ever.

No, you can not tuck a tip into my cleavage.
 Go to a strip club.
 Shit head..

Stop asking me to confirm or deny rumors about the bar or the bartenders. I just work here, I don't own the fucking place. Plus? Chances are whatever you have heard is bullshit.

Stop telling me what you think the owners should do with the place, or how they can make more money. Again, I just work here. I can't do anything about it and I probably don't care.

Yes, I will give you a hug when you leave. 
Unless I won't. 
Which probably means you give me the creeps.

I have just worked a 10 hour shift, I have to get up in three hours and get my kids to school, I don't get to go back to bed. Don't make me stay any later than I have to.

I appreciate that you are concerned for my safety, however, if I don't ask you to stay because I am uncomfortable, don't feel like you have to. I am a big girl and I can handle it. If I can't? I shouldn't be a bartender.

My liability ends when I offer to get you a cab ride home. I am not arguing about your driving your drunk ass home because I have to. I am arguing because I care what happens to you and to everyone else on the road when you leave. 
Trust my judgment.

I don't think you are an asshole if you get in a fight. 
I think you are an asshole if you get in a fight inside my bar. 
Take it outside. 
Otherwise my customers get uncomfortable and leave, shit get broken and I have to clean up blood. 
Go outside and kill each other if you want to. Just don't make your stupid shit my problem.

I would rather serve you past the point of inebriation than cut you off and risk you deciding to drive to another bar and continue drinking.

Do not talk down about other people at the bar. Chances are you have been that fucked up and obnoxious at some point in time and I will be obligated to remind you of it.

YOU ARE NOT FUCKING WHISPERING! Sometimes I tell you to shut the fuck up because I am trying to save your life, not to be rude.

I'm human. I make mistakes. If I fuck your tab up, tell me calmly and rationally and I will either fix it or explain it to you. Don't be a dick about it.

Do not ask me to pour you a drink and make it a good one. Pay for a fucking double if you want one. It may seem harmless to you, but over pouring can sink a small business FAST. 

Don't tell me which other bars you frequent are hiring.
 Loyalty is important to me. 
Similarly, don't talk shit about other bars or bartenders to me or to my customers. Call me silly, but I would like to see everyone succeed. Competition is competition but there is no reason to be an asshole about it.

That's all for today. Jeez I am feeling all refreshed just venting all this crap.


2 comments:

  1. girl i happened across your blog todAY. AS MY CO WORKERS AND I ARE MAKING JELLO SHOTS AND CLEANING THE BAR, YES WE ARE ALL BARTENDARS, I AM READING YOUR BLOG TO THEM. YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE MONEY AND ARE LAUGHING OUR ASS OFF.

    RIGHT ON THE MONEY GIRL! MARLA MEBOW2000@YAHOO.COM

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  2. My exact thoughts. You are AMAZING!

    ReplyDelete