18 April 2012

Other things that drive me absolutely bat shit crazy behind the bar....

By request, for Lea Anne.

You are thirsty. 
 Absolutely going to fucking die if you do not get a beer right the hell now. You call me all the way down from the other end of the bar with an intensity usually reserved for arterial bleeds, and then? 
You don't know what you want to drink. 
You suck.
Stop it.

If you come in and stand at the bar, I'm going to ask you what you want to drink. Maybe twice. If you don't answer me, I am going to walk away. I have other people to serve. Don't give me dirty looks like I am neglecting you ten seconds later.

Similarly, I get your drink as quickly as I can. Do not take your sweet ass time pulling the money out of your pocket while you look around the bar. If you do? I will return the favor and take my sweet ass time getting your next drink.

 Don't fucking do that. 
Call me Miss, call me bar keep, call me nurse, call me asshole, call me any - motherfucking - thing but hey. 
In a crowded bar, if you scream out "hey!" I don't know what the you want. I don't know if you need a beer or if  you just saw your old friend, or someone took your beer, or if the guy behind you just squeezed your nuts.
Knock it the hell off.

"What do you mean you don't have [insert name of obscure beer that only three people in the whole world have ever heard of]?" 
Of course we don't have it. No one fucking has it. You are entirely too cool to drink normal beer, we get it. There is no need for you to list six or eight other obscure micro brewed beers before settling on a Budweiser.

"What kind of beer/shots do you have?" 
We have beer and fucking shots. 
Are you really going to make me list every brand of beer in the cooler? Why don't you ask me if we have something you want? If you don't know see the first item on this list.

"I want a shot but I don't know what I want." 
Why are you telling me this? 
I took a shit this morning.
 The relevance is similar. 
I am not going to suggest anything because I don't know what you like to drink. 

Never, ever, ever tell me to surprise you with a shot. It is annoying as hell and I am going to go out of my way to make you drink something you really, really don't want to.

"Can you make me something fruity?" and then, "Oh no, I hate pineapple juice/orange juice." and also, "Ugh. I hate vodka..."
You fucking suck.
Knock it the hell off.

Don't stare blankly at me when I ask if you would like another beer while you struggle with your inner turmoil over the issue.
It's a fucking beer.
I didn't ask you to marry me for God's sake.

I'm busy. Don't hold onto your money when I try to grab it. It isn't even a little bit cute.

You insist you're buying, he insists he's buying. You go back and forth for five minutes while I am standing there waiting for someone to pay for the fucking beer. 
Stop it.
 It's annoying and awkward for me.

I understand you want to be left alone once in a while. If you tell me that you're not there when the phone rings, I will lie for you.
I will not do it everyday.
 At some point, I'm gonna have to suggest that you lie to your own wife.

Some people make it very clear that they do not want people to buy them beer. Don't insist on buying them a beer. It's awkward for me and it makes me want to hit you with something.

Similarly, don't be the guy that tells me you don't want anyone to buy you a beer. Make my life easier and just take the free beer. 


  1. Never realized there was so much shit you put up . Gotta love your job...now, can I have four buds and four shots of , What's the stuff called? You know! Its green and tastes like liquorice, no thats not it, it was called...Hey Bob,...Bob.....BOB!!...what was that shit called we had that time fishing in the smokies? Remember? The hot redhead that waited on us..oh, I remember ..snakebites... No? Well hell... Bob? What do you want? ...pucker? Are you serious? What a wimp..bring us whiskey.... What you mean you can't drink whiskey? Fine... Bring us puckers...What? Joe doesn't want a pucker....ETC.....LOL...... Norm

  2. Yep. Pretty much just like that. lol