06 May 2012

And still...It's worth it.

"Do you know how to make [insert trendy bullshit drink here].
No, no I do not. I'm gonna give you credit for at least knowing what is in your drink, unlike, you know... this guy, however, simply telling me that it has vodka, blue shit, sweet and sour and cherry bacardi and a partridge in a pear tree isn't going to get you the drink you want. 
If you want a drink just exactly like that one you had that one time that the one bartender served you in that one bar... go find her and fucking ask her the measurements.
Otherwise I will throw all the shit you just named into a glass and call it good.
Furthermore, drink a normal fucking drink. 
What the Hell is wrong with you?
What do you mean it's supposed to look like blood in the water?
And you want to drink it?
You're fucked up.

Similarly, "I don't know the name of it...but it has tequila and orange juice and something else and it tastes just like something or another....
Google "tequila" , "cocktails" "orange juice"...
"About 1,790,000 results (0.37 seconds)"
Yeah, that's why I am giving you that go to Hell and die look right now.
But, if you really, really want me to?
I'll mix you some bullshit that you can torture some future bartender with.

You want your tab?
Right now.
Absolutely need it right this second.
And then? For some fucking reason?
You are distracted by your buddy and I am standing in front of you, waiting for you to sign the goddamn thing or pull the money out for ten fucking minutes.
Suddenly, you are in no hurry.
No hurry at all.
You're a jackoff.
Knock that shit off. 

"Just keep them coming!"
Nope.
Because the minute I bring you a drink that you did not specifically order?
You are not going to want it and I will either have to pay for it or listen to your bullshit about how you shouldn't have to pay for it because you didn't order it.
Dip shit.

Again, use an ashtray for your cigarette butts.
I mean really, I appreciate that you don't want to throw them on the floor - but really?
If you put them in a bottle or in a cup?
I dump the cup or bottle and then have to pick wet tobacco and butts out of the sink so that it will drain.
It's just fucking gross.

Also?
If you chew tobacco?
ASK ME FOR A SPIT CUP!
Because when I dump your bottle in the sink and realize it's full of your chewed tobacco and saliva?
I really, really...really want to hit you with the bottle.
I mean fucking really.
Picking that nasty shit out of the sink is a million times worse than picking gum out of ashtrays.
Jack off.

"I need a shot. Of something strong. I don't care what it is."
Okay...
Bet you'll care what it is next time, won't you?

"Ummm. Well what do you have for imports?"
Beer.
Fuck you.

What makes it worth it?
Bar quotes of the day, mostly.
For example, just last night I overheard the following conversation:

[ Some dumb shit about going to school and making bets with his friends on what grade he was going to get on his exam... "And guess what! I got an "A"!... Do you have any high school stories?"

I suspect the girl was thinking just about what I was thinking... which I probably don't need to say out loud.

She shrugged and said, "No. I went to PHS - just, you know, gang fights and drive-by shootings." 
I totally wanted to give her a gold star.

And then? Some guy fell asleep, er, passed out, on the bar.
Okay by me, until it's time to go. I tried to wake the guy up for about 45 minutes, clapping and shouting and trying to explain that the cab was on its way and I needed his address.
Guy raises his head, eyes still closed and tells me that he's fine.
I tell him he obviously is not - because his fucking eyes are closed and it's hard to drive that way.
Guy puts his head back down.
Umm. Okay.
Twenty or fourty minutes later, another patron says to the sleeping Guy,
"Hey. Guy? Do you need a hug over there?"
And fucking BOOM.
Guy is wide the fuck awake and remembering his name and address and blood type again.
He even remembers to leave a tip when he stumbles outside a few moments later.

Shit like that is what makes bartending worth the bullshit.
Well, and the money.
The money and the entertainment value.
You don't get to experience these things at a normal job.

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