07 May 2012

Is there some sort of jack off gene that is activated by consumption of alcohol?

Sometimes? 
I tend bar all night long and never run into any of the behaviors that I have bitched about on this blog.
Then again?
Sometimes I get all of them, and more, on a single night.

The bar quote of the night?
"Jeez, Krissy, you could write a blog for every night you work, huh?"
Not always.
But sometimes.

And a note, once again, this isn't one single customer, at some point, multiple people have displayed the same behaviors. There should be a study somewhere about genetics and the propensity for jack off behavior among bar patrons.

Number One
"Ugh. Really? What the fuck is that? Don't you have glass shot glasses? The plastic ones suck and they are smaller."
Yes, yes I do. 
Unfortunately? I also have a full fucking bar and a sink full of glasses that I haven't had the time to wash.
Also?
 The plastic ones?
 Hold the same amount of liquor. 
I would wash one and demonstrate this fact...ONCE AGAIN, but I can't. As I mentioned, I have a full fucking bar and I am busy.
In case you somehow missed basic middle school math classes...
The glass shot glass holds one ounce.
The plastic one holds one ounce.
Different sizes - same fucking volume.
The glasses are TALLER because there is a bunch of solid fucking glass on the bottom of them. 
And you are lucky that they are all in the sink at this point because this also makes them excellent weapons.
Technically, I could fill the glass shot glass to the brim and maybe give you almost an extra quarter of an ounce of liquor - but you will spill it before it gets to your mouth and then bitch about that.
So, yeah.
You are a pain in the ass.

Number Two
Actual conversation from last night....
"Excuse me..." Hands me a mostly empty cup. "I spilled my drink, can I get another one? I'll clean it up for you, if you have a mop."
"Who spilled it?
She looks all sheepish and apologetic, "I did, I'm so sorry."
"It's okay," I told her, "I'll get it. Vodka and cranberry, right?"
She nods.
I make her drink and she walks away with it while I go to get the mop. I'm irritated, because the bar is full, but I understand that shit happens.
 After I half-ass mop up her mess, I walk past her and tell her, "Three dollars darlin'"
And this fucking bitch has the audacity to look offended. 
"Wait. What? I didn't know that I had to pay for it if I spilled it. I never would have ordered it."
Yes, yes I do want to hit her with the fucking mop, because, really? 
Are you fucking retarded bitch?
Instead, I simply nod and smile.
"Well, here then, you can just have it back if I have to pay for it."
Now we both know that I can't resell the fucking thing.
And surely she expected me to roll my eyes, tell her to keep it and go on about my business.
Nope.
Fuck you.
Because you can motherfuck me up and down this bar, talk shit about me, give me dirty looks and stiff me on a tip and I will never be as pissed off as when you insult my intelligence by trying to pull this stupid shit and expecting me to fall for it.
So I took the drink back and let her watch me dump it out.
Yes, it still was a waste of liquor and cost the bar the wholesale..but really?
Fuck you, bitch.
I'd rather pay for the shit myself than let you think you got away with something that fucking stupid.
If you want to play games?
 I'll play.
If you are truly dumb enough to believe you didn't have to pay for a drink you spilled?
You shouldn't be drinking anyway.
It may kill the few remaining brain cells you have.
She left in a huff, apparently off in search of a more gullible bartender.
Good fucking riddance.

Number Three
Do not waltz into a bar, look around, see that it is fucking slammed, order a drink and then walk away while I am making it.
You are a fucking jack off.
I have other people to take care of, but instead, I am playing catch the fucking customer around the bar.
At some point last night?
 When the third fucking guy did it? 
I simply put my head down on the bar and groaned.

Number Four
You came in, you ordered a drink and you walked around the bar while I was making it. Apparently you thought I was taking too long to locate you and deliver your shit and you decided to leave.
First of all, I should tell you you are the millionth (seemingly) kid I have seen in the bar tonight.
At some point, you all look the same... I mean I vaguely remember a beard. Or a mustache, or maybe it was a green coat....
See what I'm saying here?
I hate to be the one to break it to you, sweetheart...
But whoever told you that the entire world revolved around you and that you are the most important person anywhere at any given time?
Was a fucking liar.
And probably also your mother.
All customers are important to me, and I do my best to make them happy.
Except for you, you arrogant fucking douche bag.

Number Five
I have some god damn thick skin.
Nothing you say is going to offend me or shock me.
I am incapable of blushing.
I spent ten years in a gun store for fuck's sake, you think you're ridiculous wink-wink bullshit can top ten years of rednecks and blue collar chauvinists?
Trust me, kid.
I've heard it all, and then more.
The adolescent act of using shock value for attention irritates me or amuses me, depending on my mood.
Lewd sexual innuendos can only bring one of two responses from me.
If I am already irritated?
My "you have got to be kidding me" expression alone is going to make you feel like a twelve year old boy with a hard on in front of the entire study hall.
I am then going to embarrass you further in front of your friends by rolling my eyes, smiling condescendingly and asking you if that approach has ever fucking worked. 
I mean, fucking really?
Ever?
If I am in the mood to amuse myself with you, I am going to play dumb. 
I am going to look confused and answer you with some off the wall bullshit that will make you think I didn't hear you right.
Then?
When you look confused?
I will ask you what you said again and continue to look like I don't understand what you are implying.
This generally removes the wind from any cock holster's sails... but just in case you are willing to continue?
I will resort to making you explain in detail exactly what you mean.
No one ever does.
No one.
They turn red and walk away.
Point for Krissy.
Jack off, zero.

I hardly mention all of the awesomeness encountered at the bar - but so you know?
I definitely remember you guys. 

More bitching tomorrow - Because it's just been that kind of weekend. 

1 comment:

  1. i would have explained! of course i was a bartender for 10yrs so i'm not shocked easiy either. Applebee's counts as a bartender, right!

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