01 May 2012

Just more bitching about bartending....

To the guy that opens and closes his tab three times in a night for less than $10.00....
You are an ass.
 Stop it.
 I am not going to copy your card numbers and go shopping with them. It's almost summer time now... so the babies don't even need shoes.
Leave the damn thing open until you are ready to leave.

To the guy that wants to run a credit or debit card for a single beer... I fucking hate you. I don't offer to pay for the beer because I am such a nice person. I pay for the beer because running a card for two fucking dollars annoys the shit out of me, and the fee that the bank charges us to run the card makes it not worth running.

If you don't have any money? Don't come to the fucking bar. Don't ask my customers to buy you a beer. If  we are not friends...
Don't EVER ask me to buy you a beer.
I am here to make money, not fucking spend it.

"This is for you. Make sure it goes in your pocket okay?"
You may think that I am the only one waiting one you, but the truth of the matter is that we are working as a team back here.
I may be serving you the majority of your drinks, but that is only because the other bartender is busy changing three kegs and washing all of the shot glasses.
Probably you mean well...
But you also look like a jack-off.

If the other bartender pisses you off somehow?
Please remember that we are splitting tips. Sure it makes you feel better to stiff her on the tip - but you're fucking me over too and I am going to remember it.

Your drunk ass passed out on my bar.
I just woke you up.
 Are you really going to ask me for a fucking beer?!

It is not my fault that you lost your keys, wallet, shoes, shirt or any fucking thing else that people should be able to keep track of.
Don't be a fucking jack-off to me.
Don't slam the doors, don't mother-fuck me. Don't call me names.
You are a fucking dickhead and I just lost any concern that I may have had for how you are going to get home. If I was going to help you find your shit, I'm not going to now.

This is the third fucking time you have told me to close your tab!
I closed it.
Yes, you have your card back.
Go home now.

Do not bitch about the music on the jukebox.
If you don't fucking like it?
Get off your ass, come off the dollar and play something that you want to hear.

Also? Why are you playing dumb shit just to annoy people?
I mean, really?
Just fucking why?

Don't tell me you are never coming back to this bar because I won't allow you to break the rules or start fights or what ever the fuck the problem is.
Yes you are.
We both know it.

I know you are in a hurry to get your beer.
I have to pee.
I hold it for as long as I can, but seriously, I have had three babies. When I say I have to pee right the fuck now...
I truly have to pee right the fuck now.
Don't give me dirty looks.

Why the fuck do you want to start shit in my bar?
 First of all, you are all of what, 21 years old? I step in and talk the other guy down because I see you as a kid who is obviously too fucking stupid to know what is good for him.
 At some point though, I am going to get annoyed and I am going to stop intervening on your behalf.
 I am going to let who ever the fuck you thought it would be cute to fuck with take your skinny ass outside and beat the hell out of you.
Maybe you'll learn a lesson.

I know you think you are looking all kinds of sexy while you attempt to dance on the table/chairs/bar.
You don't.
You are seeing yourself as some sort of sex goddess.
I see a drunk chick with smeared lipstick and mascara wiggling on top of the table. She is maybe going to catch her head in the ceiling fan and/or head dive off of the bar and get a concussion. 
Then she is probably going to sue the shit out of the bar for allowing her to make such an ass out of herself.
That's why I am yelling at you to get the fuck down.
Not because I am a party pooper.
I am saving your dignity and maybe your life.

1 comment:

  1. Holy christ on a crutch, that just about covers it all. I myself have had 2 babies, yet after 6 hours or so I have to pee. Now. In my hanes her ways or the toilet makes no difference at that point. And yes, you WILL be back to this bar because that is the same stupid fucking thing you utter each and every single time. For the sex goddess/usually overweight and precariously perched atop a table that would not hold a significantly smaller person, get the f down before you fall down. Seriously? Dudes would fuck a couch. There's no need to give yourself permanent brain damage in order to convince drunk dudes of your "hotness".