01 May 2012

Other random bitchiness...

Men.
In skinny jeans.
I don't care who says this is the new style... trust me, here,
It is never, ever, ever okay for you to wear skinny jeans.
It is even less okay for you to wear skinny jeans under your ass with a belt. No really. 
You look like a fucking retard. 
You obviously do not have a girlfriend. 
Or a wife. 
Or a mother for that matter, if you are able to get out of the house that way.
You probably do not have any actual friends either.
If you had real friends, they would have told you that you look like a douchebag.
Face it, buddy. You just became the wingman for the rest of your life.
Or at least until you realize that you look incredibly fucking stupid.
Also?
Why the fuck are you wearing a belt?
Since someone forgot to inform you?
I'm going to tell you now...
Belts were made to be worn ABOVE THE ASS.
So now you know.



To the jackoff marketing director that came up with the "Have a Happy Period" slogan... are you fucking retarded? 
Seriously.
And are you the same jackass that thought putting little inspirational quotes on the wrappers of tampons would make me feel all warm and fuzzy about the fact that I am bleeding for three to seven days?
You are quite obviously a man and also must not employ a single woman, because hopefully she would have beaten you senseless with a paperweight for even proposing the idea.
To the tampon company that accepted the fucking idea... If I was able to boycott your product in the face of your obvious fucking retardation...
I would.
Unfortunately, I can't.
So, even though I don't want to, I find myself reading your stupid ass inspirational quotes and wanting to find you and kill you every single month. 
Surely this is my natural attitude and has nothing at all to do with the time of the month... 
Surely.

Guys?
Probably you are thinking that you are trying to look all sexy and shit...
But trust me when I say this...
You look fucking ridiculous in your tighty-whities and tube socks.
Now you know.
Stop doing that.
Its....disturbing.
Nothing sexy about it at all.
Nothing.



To Mother Nature...
I do not understand why the hell you have made it so that when I get cold, my leg hair grows.
 It defies logic.
Because when I get out of the shower?
I get fucking cold.
 I just shaved my god damn legs - and then caught a chill - and now I look like a lazy slob that doesn't bother to shave my fucking legs.
You are an asshole.
I won't even go into the period or child birth thing.

To this guy....

We get it.
You defy society's norms and expectations.
You scorn mainstream ideals and probably basic fucking hygiene as well.
You are way too cool to care what anyone thinks about you.
Which was cool when you were twelve, but apparently you are stuck in this pre-puberty mindset.
Because really, if you didn't care what people thought about you, you would not go so disgustingly far to shove your "I'm too awesome to care about anyone's opinion" bullshit in people's faces.
I'm sure that your daddy is very sorry now that he didn't give you any attention as a child.
Now take that dumb shit out/off of your face and grow the fuck up.
You scare my children.
And my grandma.
Jack-off.

To everyone that has ever said, "You shouldn't judge me because of how I look."
Um.
Cough - bullshit - cough.
You choose the way you look because you WANT the attention and therefore the judgment it brings to you.
No one past the age of fifteen is going to buy that shit.
If you make the conscious choice to look like a fucking douche-bag- I am going to treat you like a douche-bag.
Just in case you were wondering... when you grow up, appearances matter, the way you dress matters, the language you use matters, first impressions fucking matter.
If you don't believe me? 
Ask the douche-bag above when he was last employed.
Like at an actual job...


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