I operate strictly on impulses. I refuse to analyze why that it is. It simply is. When the impulse to buy Nair Hair Remover Lotion strikes me in Walgreens one day, I simply went with it. I bought the shit, took it home, and promptly used it, visions of silky smooth legs dancing around in my head. That commercial, you know with the girls singing, "Who wears short shorts..." Yep, I was singing it in my head while I read the directions for use.
First of all, you are supposed to test it on a small area of your skin and then wait 24 hours to make sure you do not have any adverse reactions to the lotion.
Hmmm. Yeah, probably not.
Does anyone actually do that?
With any product?
So, I skipped over that shit, and went on to the part where you are not supposed to put Nair in your eyes.
I am now an expert in this Nair shit, having read or skimmed most of the label.
I did not read the ingredients, because who does that, right?
Plus it wouldn't have mattered if I did, because the fine print is too tiny to see.
And by that I mean it's invisible.
Meaning that I am making this shit up right now...
Ingredients: Smell good shit, hydrocloric acid, lye, white fucking phosphurus, more smell good shit and aloe.
Um. Yeah. Probably only the aloe registered in my brain at the time.
Directions: Squeeze lotion into hand.
Thank you Captain fucking Obvious...Is it any wonder I barely skimmed over the rest of the directions?
Smooth on a thick even layer to cover hair. DO NOT RUB IN. Wash hands immediately after application. Red flags? Nope, not a single one. In hindsight of course, one has to wonder why it is okay to leave lotion on legs but not on the palm of your hands for three to ten minutes.
Leave lotion on for three minutes. Check a small area for hair removal.
Nope. Still hairy.
If hair does not come off after three minutes, leave lotion of for a few minutes longer. DO NOT EXCEED 10 MINUTES of total application time.
Um. 'Kay. I'll just sit in the bathroom and Facebook for four to ten minutes then. Just clicking on shit and sharing other people's pictures and HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD MY LEGS ARE ON FIRE! IS THAT BLOOD? HOLY SHIT, IT IS BLOOD! I guess I should rinse this shit off then.
To remove hair gently wipe off the lotion and hair with a damp washcloth. Do not rub. Once all hair has been removed rinse skin thoroughly in the shower and pat dry.
Ha! What it should actually say is that after you wipe significant amounts of your flesh off with a damp washcloth, hop in the shower and vigorously wash your legs with any and every soap available in a futile attempt to stop the chemicals from penetrating any more layers of skin. After the burning stops, look at legs and wonder how in the Hell you can be missing flesh and still have leg hair for fuck's sake. Bite on rope while shaving the hair off of your inflamed, angry legs. Wear pants to work anyway because you appear to have been in a meth lab explosion from the knee down.
Having had this experience with Nair Hair Remover Lotion, I can only assume that this is a fake product. Like the bath salts that are not bath salts? Nair lotion is actually used to dissolve dead bodies in your bathtub. It is in no way to be used as a hair remover, as evidenced by the melting of the flesh AROUND the hair....