16 June 2012

Nair... Hair Removal My Ass

I operate strictly on impulses. I refuse to analyze why that it is. It simply is. When the impulse to buy Nair Hair Remover Lotion strikes me in Walgreens one day, I simply went with it. I bought the shit, took it home, and promptly used it, visions of silky smooth legs dancing around in my head. That commercial, you know with the girls singing, "Who wears short shorts..." Yep, I was singing it in my head while I read the directions for use.

First of all, you are supposed to test it on a small area of your skin and then wait 24 hours to make sure you do not have any adverse reactions to the lotion.
 Hmmm. Yeah, probably not.
 Does anyone actually do that? 
With any product?
 Ever? 

So, I skipped over that shit, and went on to the part where you are not supposed to put Nair in your eyes. 
Super. 
Got it.
I am now an expert in this Nair shit, having read or skimmed most of the label. 

I did not read the ingredients, because who does that, right?
 Plus it wouldn't have mattered if I did, because the fine print is too tiny to see.
 And by that I mean it's invisible.
Meaning that I am making this shit up right now...

Ingredients: Smell good shit, hydrocloric acid, lye, white fucking phosphurus, more smell good shit and aloe.

Um. Yeah. Probably only the aloe registered in my brain at the time.

Directions: Squeeze lotion into hand.
Thank you Captain fucking Obvious...Is it any wonder I barely skimmed over the rest of the directions?

Smooth on a thick even layer to cover hair. DO NOT RUB IN. Wash hands immediately after application. Red flags? Nope, not a single one. In hindsight of course, one has to wonder why it is okay to leave lotion on legs but not on the palm of your hands for three to ten minutes.

Leave lotion on for three minutes. Check a small area for hair removal.
Nope. Still hairy.

If hair does not come off after three minutes, leave lotion of for a few minutes longer. DO NOT EXCEED 10 MINUTES of total application time. 
Um. 'Kay. I'll just sit in the bathroom and Facebook for four to ten minutes then. Just clicking on shit and sharing other people's pictures and HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD MY LEGS ARE ON FIRE! IS THAT BLOOD? HOLY SHIT, IT IS BLOOD! I guess I should rinse this shit off then.

To remove hair gently wipe off the lotion and hair with a damp washcloth. Do not rub. Once all hair has been removed rinse skin thoroughly in the shower and pat dry. 

Ha! What it should actually say is that after you wipe significant amounts of your flesh off with a damp washcloth, hop in the shower and vigorously wash your legs with any and every soap available in a futile attempt to stop the chemicals from penetrating any more layers of skin. After the burning stops, look at legs and wonder how in the Hell you can be missing flesh and still have leg hair for fuck's sake. Bite on rope while shaving the hair off of your inflamed, angry legs. Wear pants to work anyway because you appear to have been in a meth lab explosion from the knee down.

Having had this experience with Nair Hair Remover Lotion, I can only assume that this is a fake product. Like the bath salts that are not bath salts? Nair lotion is actually used to dissolve dead bodies in your bathtub. It is in no way to be used as a hair remover, as evidenced by the melting of the flesh AROUND the hair....


6 comments:

  1. OMFG,that is absolutely hilarious!!!You shoud be a stand-up comic. No, wait. Then you would become a famous entertainer and die of a crack/heroin overdose in you bathtub....

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    Replies
    1. If I do? Would you mind melting my body with Nair to save me the embarrassment?

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  2. Your post confirmed my suspicions.

    For years, after using heavy duty drain cleaners, I realized that the human hair is one of the most indestructible substances in the universe. The thought of a product that you can spray on, wait a few minutes, and the hair is gone gave me pause and made me wonder about the effect on exposed skin.

    Now I know. Next time I have a glogged drain, I'll forego the Drano and head for the women's cosmetics aisle.

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  3. That reminds me of the Amazon reviews for "Veet Hair Removal Cream for Men". If you've never seen it, you MUST read through it. Just make sure you set aside plenty of time, because it's finny as hell and you'll want to read them all.

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_2/279-6947922-5797642?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

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  4. I thought the previous meth-in-a-bottle post was funny. That was before I read this post, because:

    After the burning stops, look at legs and wonder how in the Hell you can be missing flesh and still have leg hair for fuck's sake.

    ...might be the funniest thing I have ever seen.

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  5. Ok, can I make an embarrassing admission here? I mean, it involves crying and everything. It'll be good, I swear.

    I once tried this stuff on my....nether region. Ok, my nuts. It was totally on a dare. From my wife who knows I can't resist "I double dog dare you", being a guy and all.

    It wasn't too bad, right up to the point that I ran out of the house naked and plugged the hose up my ass and turned it on to full. Anything, Dear God ANYTHING to make the pain go away.

    The up side to the story is that I didn't need that whole expensive vasectomy surgery any more. So there's that.

    I'm doing much better now. Still, the prosthetic balls do itch on occasion and I've had to switch to a support jock strap in lieu of underwear.

    Just say no.

    ReplyDelete