I thought the kid was retarded.
I thought he was actually brain damaged in some sort of way.
I think he may be on the autism spectrum somewhere.
He is incredibly intelligent, honest to a fault; he is also rude as hell.
In some fascinatingly endearing way.
He's absolutely hilarious and if you are having the very worst day of your life?
Buy him shots, sit back and watch the show.
He says shit without understanding that he shouldn't say it.
So and so will tell him that he has recently proposed to Miss So and so, and he will congratulate So and So and then tell the poor bastard that Miss So and So once gave him the best blow job of his life.
He truly does not understand that it is just not right to say shit like that, whether it is true or not.
I made it my mission to point out some of his less than socially acceptable behavior.
Yes, there was tequila involved.
I vaguely remember telling him that I had thought he was retarded and that I had marveled at the fact that I have never ever seen someone have to talk themselves out of getting their asses beat so many times on a daily basis.
I then admitted that I liked him a little bit, having noticed that every time he was involved in a confrontation, he was always just trying to make right for whatever fucked up thing he may have said.
To a fault.
The guy will apologize for hours for the same thing.
Over and over and over.
I am not entirely sure he understands why he is apologizing, he just knows that something he has said offended someone.
He is always sorry to have offended them, even if he doesn't really get why the statement would be considered offensive.
That said, I now know why people buy the kid shots all the time. When he is not being rude to someone, he is fucking hilarious.
He has a theory that at some point, he may be attacked by a lion.
Or possibly a bear.
He tells us that if he was attacked by a bear.
He is absolutely not going to play dead.
He is going to poke the bear's eye out or something.
He's not joking.
If he is attacked by a lion?
That maybe broke out of the zoo or something and is really hungry?
He is going to tuck and roll and grab the lion's balls.
He figures that he will have a chance to make a getaway because he knows of no animal other than pitbulls and humans that will fight when they are wounded.
Obviously, he doesn't count a mother bear protecting her young.
He thinks if he is ever attacked by a bear, it will probably be because the bear is hungry.
He may be right.
He thinks he will probably lose a limb, or die even, but he would be content at having hurt the attacking animal before he died.
I am awaiting the next installment.
What if a lioness breaks out of the zoo?
They do not have balls.
He is pondering.
Says he will get back to me.
He recently discovered his fear of raccoon.
It's not unfounded.
He was fishing, in the daylight.
A raccoon approached him.
He claims that it was maybe a pet or something and wanted food.
Said it was walking right toward him, broad daylight.
I would assume in the middle of the day in late July?
Or distemper at the least.
He says it freaked him out.
I don't blame him.
So, on one of the very worst days of my life, I bought shots for him, all night long, sat back and watched the show.
On the patio of a bar in the neighborhood, he spotted another patron's dog.
It was a Pug.
He swears that it was a marsupial.
He was not comforted by my insistence that it was not a marsupial and that even if it had been, it was a good one because it was the middle of the night and therefore probably not rabid.
He still says he is going to kick it if it comes at him.
The tiny, cute little Pug.
I have to explain that it is not socially acceptable to threaten people's dogs.
Especially little dogs.
That maybe wear clothes.
People that put clothes on their dogs are not normal pet owners.
He was still proclaiming the dog to be a rabid marsupial when we exit the bar.
It is, for this reason, he will be referred to as "Pug" in any other mentions on this blog.