17 September 2012

Things No One Really Needs to Know at 5AM

The biggest problem with bartending is the crazy hours. When all of the normal people in the world are waking up for work, or soundly sleeping, bartenders are getting home, winding down, checking e-mails, facebook and waiting for the alarm clock to sound so they can wake up their kids and get them to school and finally pass out.
At least this bartender is.

Sometime after e-mails and facebook, there is little to keep my eyelids open but television.
Why not just go sleep?
Because if I am not awake to see the kids off to the bus?
Husband dozes a bit in the chair while they dress and get ready.
Which means their socks don't match, if they wear any, they do not brush hair or teeth and they tend to go to school without breakfast and dressed like homeless children.
Trin also decides to wear her makeup to school French hooker style.
The school serves breakfast, so you wouldn't think it'd be a big deal, but really? I do not want CPS to find out my kids don't eat breakfast.
I also do not want the school calling to ask my why my 11 year-old daughter is wearing size 6X shorts with jeggings.
So... I usually watch the Animal Planet channel until they get up.
This is because they never go to paid programming in the wee hours of the morning. A fatigued brain and infomercials are a bad mix.
I learned that when I found myself perched on the edge of the couch, phone in hand, ready to commit to life long payments of ONLY $29.95 for a carpet cleaner.
I do not have any carpet in my house.
So, yeah. Animal Planet it is.

At 5am? The channel puts on some disturbing shit.
For example?
There was some documentary about wildlife in Africa or somewhere that involved a dead hippo.
The film crew sits in the dark and films the scavangers that come to feed of the carcass.
Yeah. Fucking super.
I learned this morning that hyenas are quite possibly the most disgusting animals on the planet.
Not only are they eating the rotting carcass of a hippo, they like to roll on it, because who doesn't want to smell like a dead, decomposing hippo?
Then I learned that crocodiles are scavengers, which I didn't know.
Hyenas do not like crocodiles, they will fight for the meal if there are only a few crocs, but as soon as the whole party shows up?
Hyenas are no where to be found.

I also learned that lions are mostly assholes.
They come and chase away the hyenas AND the crocs, sniff the dead hippo and then wander away.
They don't want to eat the hippo, they just don't want anyone else to eat the hippo.
So, lions are just dicks.

Also, at some point, I realized that some asshole had placed a camera INSIDE the dead hippo.
The fuck?
I mean, in the name of science and all that?
Who the fuck cares what happens to a dead hippo?
AND THEN some crazy lady suits up, because hippos carry deadly bacteria, like anthrax, which I also did not know.
She wants to examine the contents of the hippo's stomach, which contains grass. Huge fucking surprise there, huh?
Useful to know though, that should I ever come across a hippo carcass, I shouldn't touch it.
Anthrax and all that, because otherwise I would probably go over and pet it and shit.

As the alarm goes off, I get up to get the girls ready with a slightly nauseated feeling, thinking about dung beetles, stinky hyenas, vultures, crocodiles and wondering how they decided which asshole had to wade through crocodiles and hyena to shove a camera in the dead hippo's belly.
And also wondering, who the fuck cares what happens to animal carcasses in the wild and what sort of person suggests such a study.
I find myself questioning their mental status as well as the mental status of the people that choose to fund such a study...

Hmm. Let's donate money to something... 
Cancer research? Alzheimer's research? Parkinson's, MS, diabetes, any other debilitating disease research?
No, no. I want my contribution to make a difference.
Goodwill, Salvation Army, Humane Society?
Dead hippo decomposition?
YES!!! YES! That's the one I want to contribute to!
The fuck?


  1. I'd rather watch the meerkats, although I grow to detest the asshole cameramen that allow predators to decimate the population.

    I'd have a shotgun and an attitude if I was filming meerkats. I'd, also, not hesitate to dot the ass of a male lion with a load of bird shot just to screw with its head.

    1. Once upon a time? I'd have disagreed, because lion cubs are all cute and the adults are all cute... but who knew they were just assholes.

  2. "Who the fuck cares what happens to a dead hippo?
    Really?" My first thought is overtired, sleep deprived bartenders.

  3. Err... I'm in the same boat. Only, my wife is the one with dyslexia, sending the kids off with dandruff-ridden hair, pants 1-size too tight, and no lunch money. Being a 2-job hustler, the nights I bartend, I'm lucky to "fall asleep" in my computer chair for a relaxing 2 hours - if I'm lucky. I endlessly click on silly shit that I can't read cuz my head is keeling over, and I have Billy Mays whispering sweet nothings in my ear in the background. I can never go straight to bed. Oh well.