I'm all wound up.
Smoking like a chimney, every muscle clenched.
Hurts like hell but I can't seem to relax them.
Too tired to sleep.
I've been here before.
It's not a pretty place to be.
So fucking angry.
Anger with no direction is a bad, bad thing.
Leaves you on edge, constantly.
Leaves you waiting, praying actually, that someone will say one wrong thing to you.
The bullshit with the VA... My god I am tired of filling out forms and mailing shit.
And then having to mail more shit.
They send you letters you don't understand and no one is available to explain them.
They don't even give you an option to wait on hold anymore.
They give you an appointment time, say they will call you in a week.
They never do.
Then they schedule a home visit so they can tell you something or another about retro pay.
Fiduciaries, character references, budget plans and expenses, copies of every fucking thing that you don't actually have on hand, a list of all your relatives, living and dead, all the way back to Adam and Eve. All signed in blood. With witnesses.
I'm exaggerating here slightly.
How do they not know that I am too fucking tired and overwhelmed to deal with this shit.
Or any shit.
I am needing to crawl in a hole right now, and not speak to anyone.
The caregiver's program is awesome, but it's more paperwork.
The fact that it's obviously a necessary step doesn't fucking matter at this point.
I am hating paper.
Giving the notebook dirty looks and everything.
Who the hell hates paper?
I know it's all necessary, I know it all has to be done, and it will be, but I don't have to happy about doing it.
I know it's really not their fault and they deal with overwhelmed families all the time.
I just had to bitch about it all for a minute.
Gonna go crawl under a rock now.
Which sounds bad, but isn't.
I do not even have the capacity to nice to people right now.
Better off alone under a rock cursing at no one.