"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
I collect random quotes from the bar I work in. I don't bother to put them in context, and more often than not I have no idea exactly what the conversations are about.
So... In no particular order, and completely out of context once again, some of my favorite bar quotes.
"I was all wrapped up in blankets in my truck. I was pretty convinced I was a turtle for a good four hours."
"It's like watching porn in HD, you know when you can actually see the daddy issues."
"It's true. I raped the firewood. In the most nonsexual way possible."
"Now I'm Playtex? What happened to calling me Clorox? What do you mean I'm a generic tampon?"
"Justin Beiber has no place in our alcoholism."
"Her voice. Dude. No. My drinking makes me smarter than the sound of her voice."
"Because, apparently? You can't accidentally put it in the wrong hole twenty-five times in a row."
"And then my brother said he and his wife were going to try to have another baby and I was like, 'Dude? Why the fuck would you do that? Who does that on purpose?'"
"The fuck? Krissy. You only work two fucking days a week. Clean your damn car out."
"Well it's not that the food didn't agree with me. It's just all the liquor in my belly didn't agree with the food."
"Ah. Rumpleminz. I've ruined many a family holidays with Rumpleminz. And Yukon Jack."
"What the Hell is this Facebook? If they put my picture up on there I'm not gonna end up all naked, am I?"
"Shit. Call Bob. We're gonna need back up. There are Republicans in the bar."
"People always ask me that, what I think about the war...To tell you the truth, I'm no Captain America, all wrapped in the flag or some shit. I just had a job to do. So I just did my job, made sure I got home. Made sure the guys next to me got home."
"Well I got a free puppy and a reach around... So, I'm winning."
"Krissy, any day not in your head is a good day."
"Hell no, I'd rather jack off a bobcat."
"Can I get a Long Island? And, hey, can you make it kinda strong?"
Guy 1: "Dude. Shh. She's gonna put us in her blog."
Guy 2: "Huh? Are you a journalist?"
Me: "No, I am not a journalist."
Guy 1: "Oh yes you are. Please don't journalize us, okay?"
"I have a change of clothes in my car. In case I have to sleep on someone's floor. And a mop. In case I have to mop the floor before I sleep on it."
"We're gonna have one more drink...Then we are going to go eat bugs."
"Al Capone killed my relatives. The Valentine'd Day Massacre? Those were my relatives. Yeah. And... That's why I'm eating bugs right now."
"That's disgusting, look at that. Dog puts its whole face right in the water. Right in it. Doesn't even appreciate the ice. I bet he doesn't even know there's ice in there."
"That's not a dog. That's a fucking marcupial."
"No, Krissy. I am far too drunk to do the Monkey walk all the way home. I am also far too drunk to do the monkey walk to the car. What the Hell is the Monkey's walk anyway?"
"Fuck your mother. In the nicest way possible. See? I even said it with a smile and everything."
"I didn't know a man could catch chlamydia from a woman."
To be fair here, the guy meant to say Candida.
"On the crazy broad scale from one to ten? I'm gonna put you somewhere between 4 and 6. I mean you're an awesome person, but you're definetly batshit crazy."
"What!? You inability to get laid has nothing to do with what party is in office."
"Dude. Think about it. If you're on a ship with a couple hundred dudes for months at a time. Eventually? You're fucking a sea cow."
"Oh God, please shut up. You are so going to make Krissy's blog."
"Damnit... It's man love Thursday!"
"But. Hey. My penis is homeless!"
"Dive bar tour 2012? See. That's what they do, man. Just go to bars and try to get themselves killed."
"I won't admit I know you two. But if you get killed, I'll testify at the trial."
And... that's it for today, but I have many, many more for next time.