14 July 2013

The Corruption of Kensey

Kensey used to be a normal, upstanding citizen... He went to work, paid his taxes, drank a few beers and spent time on his newest hobby, photography. He has quickly become one of my very favorite people, the poor bastard. (You can view and like his Facebook page here if you're so inclined.. Juke Joint Photos.) 

Since meeting Kensey, I'm afraid I've corrupted him irreversibly. Not that I have worked alone in this, The Asshole Club, which is exactly what it sounds like, has certainly had a hand in it as well. I should mention that the man is well over the age when he should have been corrupted.

First, I got the man kicked out of a bar for the very first time. Not because he was doing anything wrong... simply because he was there with me. I have that effect on some people.

I've taken him to dive bars and informed him that he must never, ever wash his hands while in a certain bar's bathroom. To be honest, the cleanest thing a person can touch in that place in one's own genitals. 

At some point he decided to grow a ponytail and spent weeks trying to convince me to go to a different dive bar with him. A particularly dive-y dive bar that I wouldn't even go to. He may or may not have mentioned his desire to be involved in a bar fight as well. 

We drink a lot of beer together. We've day drank, closed the bars and watched the sun come up while drinking in his kitchen. 

I have to mention that his grown daughter deserves a medal or something, because there is now way the group of us can possibly be quiet when we all gather in his kitchen for booze and a breakfast consisting of popcorn.  Finding anywhere from one to three people passed out in various places doesn't seem to faze her in the least. She has yet to emerge from her room with a shotgun loaded with rock salt, so she must be some sort of saint.

In any case, Kensey has finally removed the ponytail. Thank God, because I truly was afraid he was going to organize an Asshole Club day trip to that one dive-y dive bar and get us all killed.

You'd think that would solve the Bad Boy image...but it has not. Somehow, he talked me into going golfing. As part of that agreement, he agreed to go on a motorcycle run with me. He rode with a friend of mine, since my bike is all tiny and shit. It went fairly well until they laid the bike down in the highway.

I'm making light of it, but it was a pretty horrible wreck. The driver was seriously injured, but is recovering quite well now. Kensey ended up wrapped like a mummy for weeks. Of course we made fun of him every chance we got. We're assholes.

Since he's been off work for some time now... he's had more time to perfect his inner bad boy. He was positively giddy when he informed me that the person he'd been hanging out with had an active warrant for their arrest. 

Positively giddy.

He has also informed me, just the other day, that if the police were looking for me, I was welcome to hide out at his house, or in his tree. If, however, I had found myself on "lam", he offered me the use of his car. I'm only half sure he was kidding. Fortunately, I am not on the lam.

In short... Since I've met Kensey, he's gotten thrown out of bars, hung out with fugitives, not washed his hands after peeing, and been in a motorcycle wreck. He's had a dozen people in his kitchen, drinking until the sun came up. He's had several random women pass out in his living room. He doesn't appear to mind our influence though. 

He seems to be having a blast, and to be honest? 

I think I want to be Kensey when I grow up.


  1. This made me giggle so hard. Screws still im and shit. He doesn't even mind when you semi duck up his favorite chair. I love you Kensey! Thanks for all the great times! You too Krissy!

  2. You're the kind of girl our mamas warned us about.

    And that rocks. ;)


  4. OMG, Mama has her eyes covered, lalalalalalalalalala!!!

  5. After watching my mother wither away, Kensey proves it's better to go out with a bang. Life it short, but it's a long, long time, when there's nothing to do but fade away.

  6. We regress as we get older. That's the shit we used to do when we graduated from Thomas Alpha Edison High School in East Gary, Indiana in 1968. Well, actually we started doing it as soon as one of us could look 21 enough to pass the first hurdle. I think it may be important to know that he forced me, a strip club virgin, to go into this nasty place on US20 around Lake St. as soon as we were close enough to both look 21.

    Those were the days. The drives through the country with Craig Spiering from East Gary to Bloomington. I think it was Kensey who went into the liquor store on DeKalb St. and bought me 3 bottles of Boone's Farm, which I downed on the way, finished up the third bottle before we got to town and was forced to finish the trip with a full bladder, for the sake of my manhood and reputation.

    Ah, those were the days... The night on peyote in Miller, with Kensey trying to convince the diminutive Greek genius standing next to him that he could never be "where it's at" (a 60's term indicating that one is where the in-crowd would want to be), because Kensey was actually standing where it was at, and it was impossible for him (Jeemy the Greek) to be where he was at. A two hour conversation defining the physics of space, location, and "at" ensued with Kensey the Asshole declaring himself the victor, literally crushing the spirit of the already emotionally fragile Demete from Crete. So he's always been a reprehensible "piece of work", you might say.

    So what you've done is to have pushed him over the next cliff in his life. I've found through the experience of 6 decades that life is just one cliff after another, and we depend on our true friends to give us a shove.

    Have a safe day.

    1. Correction. Kensey graduated from Portage high school because he, Craig and Demete couldn't stomach EHS any longer. So after Christmas '67, they quit, enrolled at Portage and then astonished the faculty at Portage at just how bright three lads from East Gary could really be.

  7. Holy shit!! I ran into your blog quite a while ago and found that you worked @ a bar one of my brother in law's got shot in (it was the Old Crow then). Now, you mention a guy named Kensey. I've only known two people with that name....they're father and son. The son goes by Digger (ask Ken to explain that one if he hasn't already). Anyways, I found Kensey's FB page and there's a pic of him all bandaged up sitting @ the bar. DAMN........another brother in law! I can't believe this. And yes, Ken IS crazy. That's one of the things I always liked about him. Kensey.....now I'm thinking about Red White and Blue beer. He always seemed to have a case of it in the fridge. I hated that beer!!