28 September 2013

Poll Results Offer No Insight As to Why Anyone Cares If Gays Marry

This article in the Times of Northwest Indiana details the results of a recent poll. The poll was taken because something about a vote or... I can't really say because I didn't read the whole thing. Presumably it was taken because someone thought we should care what people we don't know think about issues that don't affect them.
Apparently, according to this article the majority of Hoosiers polled supported legal gay marriage or civil unions.
I'd like to propose a study in place of the next gay marriage poll. There must be an expert out there that can tell us just why the Hell Americans give a shit about gay marriage.
I'm going to discount religious nuts for obvious reasons. And because they're religious nuts.
Surely some expert can explain why some Americans are so vehemently opposed to the concept. I mean, if you think being gay is gross, don't be gay.
You don't like gay people? So what? Allowing gays to marry isn't going to force you to start adding gay people to your Facebook friends list.
Don't want to explain gay marriage to your kids? Don't bother. They'll learn somehow. Gay people,married or not are always going to be part of society.
Preserving the sacred rite of marriage? Shit. Google divorce rates, or even the history of marriage. Sacred my ass.
Furthermore, I'd be anxious to see why, if people can be so passionately opposed to an issue that doesn't directly affect them, why gay marriage? Why not child abuse, or human trafficking, or baby killing.
Where is the outrage on issues like child molestation? Shouldn't people get worked up and demand something be done to stop that before demanding gay marriage be forbidden?
I'd be interested to see an expert opinion on whether people actually care as much as they think, or if they care because the media keeps publishing these stupid polls to tell them they should.
Barring a study,  I'd like to suggest taking and publishing polls about  public approval on issues that actually hurt people.
Innocent people. Children.
Perhaps if the media shoves that sort of issue in people's faces over and over and over,  the American public will find something that actually  matters to be so violently opposed to. 

18 September 2013

In the Wake of the Naval Yard Shooting Public Demands Asinine Gun Control Measures, Krissy Plugs Ears and Sings Nursery Rhymes Really Loud In Futile Effort to Block Ignorance

None of this it true either.

In the wake of the Naval Yard shooting and subsequent revelations about the gunman, this writer once again did not interview any of the following imaginary people.

Because the failure to understand laws and regulations as well as the ignorance displayed during gun control debates never fails to surprise me, and also because I am a glutton for punishment and mental anguish, I asked imaginary people what their thoughts were on the recent Naval Yard shootings.

Non-person One: Well didn't he have PTSD? How could he buy a gun anyway?

Non-person Two: I heard he called the cops and told them he was hearing voices. They should have done something. Taken the paddy wagon straight over there, with Thorazine darts and probably beanbag rounds, just for kicks. They should have locked him up in a hospital somewhere, then this wouldn't have happened.

Non-person Three: Who got shot this time?

All three seemed incapable of grasping the fact that states have pretty specific criteria when they commit someone against their will, mostly involving being a danger to themselves or others. In many states, this criteria includes the language "imminent danger". Although Non-person Two did state that based on every serial killer movie he'd ever seen, hearing voices is always a definitive indication of imminent murder sprees.

Non-person One suggested that we restrict the sale of guns to people that were being treated for a mental disorder, most specifically, veterans with PTSD. Claiming that little to no understanding of the disorder made it okay.

After I informed Non-person One that countless veterans suffer from PTSD their entire lives without ever seeking treatment, he suggested we ban the sale of guns to all veterans.

He further claimed that restricting the civil rights of the men and women that signed up to defend them would be perfectly acceptable to a fearful and panicked nation.

Non-person Three inexplicably suggested that I look into Ireland's gun laws and murder rates. He also mentioned something about Monsanto before lighting another joint and wandering away.

Non-person Two suggested that all arrests, whether convicted or not, should disqualify a person from owning a gun. Barring that, he suggested we just confiscate all the guns in the nation, because no one could die if there weren't any guns.

When I asked the remaining subjects whether they had any less idiotic suggestions regarding gun control, they once again called me a racist and threw bottles at me.

As I left the scene, they were busy writing up some legislation about simply euthanizing any person being treated for any sort of mental illness before they could snap and kill everyone.

15 September 2013

Zimmerman Jailed Again, Entire Nation Calls for Stand Your Ground Repeal, Krissy has Forehead Bruise From Repeated Facepalm

None of this really happened.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity because he's an imaginary person, Florida Police Officer Jim confirmed reports that George Zimmerman has once again been arrested.

While he declined to comment on what landed Zimmerman in jail again, he did offer the following, "Well."

Officer Jim shrugged. "He you know. He's been pulled over twice now. And then that thing with his wife. Plus, you know he shot that kid... and." The officer appeared to be gathering his thoughts. "Well then, you know, he saved those people in that accident, or something like that. And then. Well, pretty much everyone just thinks he's an asshole."

He expects Zimmerman to be released within the hour. No charges have been filed.

Spokesman for CNN denied to give an explanation as to why the fuck Zimmerman's run ins with traffic cops were considered national news, probably because I didn't really ask them.

When I questioned no one on the street they had this to say:

Non-person number one: We have to get rid of that Stand Your Ground law, that's how that guy got away with murder.

Non-person number two: Well, he broke that iPod because he didn't want his estranged wife to have evidence of him threatening her.

Non-person number three: Who the fuck is George Zimmerman?

When questioned as to how, exactly, Stand Your Ground let Zimmerman get away with murder they claimed that it has raised the justifiable homicide rate in Florida since it was enacted. They offered nothing when I asked them if maybe that was the entire point.

They refused to consider any case but Zimmerman's, offering only that if a woman shot her ex-husband in the street outside her work because he was maybe trying to kill her and violating a restraining order, well, fuck her anyway.

As for the iPod, no one seemed to care about the fact that Zimmerman broke the iPod after having been hit with it. Non-person One claimed that violence was never an option, so I'm assuming that he was never in a long term relationship that ended badly, not to mention publicly.

When I offered that yes, Zimmerman was an asshole, and yes, he should have listened to officers and that no, he shouldn't have followed some kid he didn't know, and yeah, he probably deserved to have his ass kicked, and agreed that it is a tragedy that a young man died, they all nodded emphatically.

When I suggested that none of that really mattered in the self-defence case, they began steaming from the ears.

Except for Non-person Three as he was busy trying to down an entire fifth of Jack in one swallow.

When I reminded them that Stand Your Ground never came up in Zimmerman's defense, their eyes all glazed over, even Non-person Three.

When I further reminded them that Zimmerman had been acquitted of murder by a jury of his peers, because the way our justice system works is that you are innocent until proven guilty. Or it's supposed to anyway... And that obviously the jurors found that Zimmerman was in fear for his life, or couldn't, beyond a reasonable doubt, say that he wasn't in fear for his life, they threw bottles at me and called me a racist.

Non-person One and Two were working on legislation aimed at making being an arrogant prick a capital offense when I left the scene.

11 September 2013

Well, I May Lose Friends Or Have My House Blown Up... But

**Disclaimer**
I shouldn't have to say that this is satire, but I will, just in case. This is in no way directed toward the bikers or the Muslims. It's mainly directed towards a handful people that seem to have gone absolutely retarded.

I despise politics. 
I also despise ignorance.
I've been pissed off at my Facebook feed for a few days now.
People are angry.
How dare they, whoever the Hell "they" are, deny a permit for the 2 Million Bikers to D.C? 
Those anti-American bastards.
There are Muslims there for the love of God and America and apple pie and McDonalds and everything else we hold sacred to our way of life... Muslims.

These Muslims are obviously spitting in the face of Americans everywhere by organizing a Million Muslims against Fear and something about drones... I don't even know, but if you're interested, feel free to visit their website. I read through a bit, and it seemed quite obvious to me that as an affront to America these American Muslim Political Something-or-another people planned on marching into D.C. wearing Support Your Local Al Queda t-shirts and shit, carrying signs that say "kill whitey" or "something offensive about America here" while burning flags and singing... Whatever the Hell it is that Muslims sing.

Of course they were granted a permit to peacefully assemble. This obviously has something to do with Obama bending over backwards to accommodate his own Muslim brothers and sisters. One can only assume that since he is responsible for overseeing these permits on his own, he is also a member of the KKK and and also Westborough Baptist Church... because otherwise, how could these groups secure permits for any sort of gathering that would be considered offensive to other people?

And then... Those bastards, whoever they are, refused to grant a similar permit to the 2 million bikers. And by similar permit, what I mean is a no-stop permit. That's no-stop. Through traffic. On a weekday. In Washington fucking DC. 
There's no way "they" couldn't procure the necessary resources that would be needed to block traffic in a city of that size for a ride of that size if they really wanted to. I mean, shit. I don't know the population of DC, or how many commuters drive there on weekdays, or how many visitors one should expect on  a day like September 11th.. I could probably find out, but I'm mostly lazy. In any case, the mysterious "they" were obviously trying to shut the bikers down.

Based on the outrage, "they" obviously told the bikers they weren't allowed to gather in DC at all, right? 

This country, I tell you, going straight to Hell, issuing permits to people, even though they're Muslims. Just letting them assemble peacefully, offending people that are American citizens for fuck's sake. 
Straight to Hell.