The Lies I Tell... Everyone

I lie to people.

All the time.

Bosses, friends, coworkers... children, mine and other peoples', and random strangers.

Just in case anyone has ever believed a word that I've said...

I am not now, nor have I ever been, on a methamphetamine and laxative diet.

While snorting drugs does make them work faster, I don't actually snort my daily vitamins.

Or anything else that I have claimed works better if you snort it, including but not limited to, zinc, magnesium,  tobacco, tequila or bologna.

I was not born a poor black child. 

I do not really believe we should arm small children to make classrooms safer. 

I don't use bath salts.

I just like to say "bath salts". 

At ridiculous random moments.

I also like to yell "MEDIC" and "GET OFF THE X!" when it's busy at work.

"That" did not actually also happen to me once. Whatever "that" may be at a particular moment.

Any statement that is immediately followed by the words, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke," should never be considered actual advice.

Ever.

My dad was also not born a poor black child.

My husband was born in the USA. So he really doesn't have a green card, but it is not because he is an illegal alien from Mexico.

We do have running water and electricity at my house.

I did not lose a leg in any war that I did not go to.

I do not handcuff my children together when they fight.

I want to, but I'm pretty sure DCFAS would frown on it.

I also do not discipline them with a stun gun.

I really don't discipline them at all, they are all heathens.

I do buy shoes for the babies in the summertime.

I was not there when Kennedy was killed.

Obviously I was not the guy on the grassy knoll. 

I do not let the dog clean the kids off instead of bathing them.

Unless they puke.

Shit.

That's a lie also.

I did not, at any time, apply nail polish with a paint roller.
It looks like I do, but I didn't.

My balls did not, in fact, drop well after puberty.

They did not drop at all.

I don't have testicles.