20 August 2012

So you know...

I just, right now, finished moving every freaking post over from the website to Blogger... Manually, because I am not geeky enough to figure out how to do it the other way.

So, if you're interested?
These are the posts from Mybadparenting.com... Well most of them anyway.

17 August 2012

Pug-isms

With limited explanations and completely out of context...

"I'm not very good at relationships... You know, I don't mind if they stay the night, but I just... I just don't want to have to make them toast in the morning."

"Why the hell would someone do that? Who wants to look like Justin Beiber on purpose? I'm pretty cute guy. And if that dude has anything on me, I'll slap him right in the face, I don't care."

"She'll just be like, 'I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I want some toast.'"
"Well, I guess, you can't put it in the wrong hole like twenty five times in a row..."

"I'm not conceited or anything, but I know I'm a pretty cute guy. People that look like us, I mean, I don't know about you, but sometimes I manipulate people."

"A female lion? All I'm gonna say is that lion is either gonna hate me or love me when it's all done."

"No. That's a fucking marsupial."

"Here, you need to release some of that anger... take this fifty cents and see if you can beat my high score in pinball."

"Then my brother said that they were going to try to have another kid, and I was like 'why the fuck would you do that', I didn't even know people had kids on purpose before that."

"Okay, so basically what you're saying is that it isn't okay to tell people that their girlfriend gave me a blow job. Even if  it's true?"

"So I can tell her to just get her own toast?"

"Taze me now, taze me."

"Okay, but if it charges at me? I'm kicking it. I don't care if it's rabid or not."

"It's funny. You've been buying me drinks all night and I just gave you fifty cents to play pinball. That's awesome."




12 August 2012

Randomness,Lion Balls, Autism and Marsupials

I thought the kid was retarded.
Genuinely.
I thought he was actually brain damaged in some sort of way.

He's not.
I think he may be on the autism spectrum somewhere.
He is incredibly intelligent, honest to a fault; he is also rude as hell.
In some fascinatingly endearing way.
He's absolutely hilarious and if you are having the very worst day of your life?
Buy him shots, sit back and watch the show.

He says shit without understanding that he shouldn't say it.
So and so will tell him that he has recently proposed to Miss So and so, and he will congratulate So and So and then tell the poor bastard that Miss So and So once gave him the best blow job of his life.
He truly does not understand that it is just not right to say shit like that, whether it is true or not. 
I made it my mission to point out some of his less than socially acceptable behavior.
Yes, there was tequila involved.

I vaguely remember telling him that I had thought he was retarded and that I had marveled at the fact that I have never ever seen someone have to talk themselves out of getting their asses beat so many times on a daily basis.
I then admitted that I liked him a little bit, having noticed that every time he was involved in a confrontation, he was always just trying to make right for whatever fucked up thing he may have said.
To a fault.
The guy will apologize for hours for the same thing.
Over and over and over.
I am not entirely sure he understands why he is apologizing, he just knows that something he has said offended someone.
He is always sorry to have offended them, even if he doesn't really get why the statement would be considered offensive.


That said, I now know why people buy the kid shots all the time. When he is not being rude to someone, he is fucking hilarious.
He has a theory that at some point, he may be attacked by a lion.
Or possibly a bear.
He tells us that if he was attacked by a bear.
He is absolutely not going to play dead.
He is going to poke the bear's eye out or something. 
He's not joking.
If he is attacked by a lion? 
That maybe broke out of the zoo or something and is really hungry?
He is going to tuck and roll and grab the lion's balls.
He figures that he will have a chance to make a getaway because he knows of no animal other than pitbulls and humans that will fight when they are wounded.
Obviously, he doesn't count a mother bear protecting her young.
He thinks if he is ever attacked by a bear, it will probably be because the bear is hungry.
Who knows?
He may be right.
He thinks he will probably lose a limb, or die even, but he would be content at having hurt the attacking animal before he died.
I am awaiting the next installment.
What if a lioness breaks out of the zoo?
They do not have balls.
He is pondering.
Says he will get back to me.

He recently discovered his fear of raccoon.
It's not unfounded.
He was fishing, in the daylight.
A raccoon approached him.
He claims that it was maybe a pet or something and wanted food.
Said it was walking right toward him, broad daylight.
I would assume in the middle of the day in late July?
Rabies.
Or distemper at the least.
He says it freaked him out.
I don't blame him.

So, on one of the very worst days of my life, I bought shots for him, all night long, sat back and watched the show.
On the patio of a bar in the neighborhood, he spotted another patron's dog.
It was a Pug.
He swears that it was a marsupial.
He was not comforted by my insistence that it was not a marsupial and that even if it had been, it was a good one because it was the middle of the night and therefore probably not rabid.
He still says he is going to kick it if it comes at him.
The tiny, cute little Pug.
I have to explain that it is not socially acceptable to threaten people's dogs.
Especially little dogs.
That maybe wear clothes.
People that put clothes on their dogs are not normal pet owners.
He was still proclaiming the dog to be a rabid marsupial when we exit the bar.

It is, for this reason, he will be referred to as "Pug" in any other mentions on this blog.


07 August 2012

Weekend Highlights, Crazy Women, Xanax and a Full Moon

First of all, the door guy was drunk when we got there.
Shit happens, right?
Probably he would have gotten through the night okay if he hadn't asked for a shot fifteen minutes into his shift.
So... he got sent home.
Which meant we had to check every ID that came through the door.
Which is a pain in the ass when it gets super busy.
Then we irritate the shit out of people because we don't remember everyone, we don't know if the other bartender checked the ID of an individual or not and we end up double or triple carding people.

I overhear some talk of "ladders".
And I KNOW, absolutely that it is going to be a bad fucking night.
If you do not know, this refers to Xanax pills.
The really big ones.
I have only seen two things happen when Xanax is mixed with alcohol.
People get violently angry for no reason, develop retard strength and generally end up in fights and jail.
Or they pass the fuck out and I feel obligated to check their heart rate every so often.
Why?
Because the shit fucking kills people when they mix it in with alcohol.

Then, twenty minutes into my shift, I get that girl... Yeah, the same one. 
Spilled her drink last time...
She orders a double shot, I measure it with an ounce and a quarter shot glass, meaning that she actually ends up with two and a half shots in her glass.
Since the girl insists on getting something for nothing, she tries to tell me five minutes later that I didn't give her a double shot.
She pours what is in her glass into two one-ounce plastic glasses, it only fills one and a half of them, and shrugs.
"I know you didn't measure it or anything, so it's not your fault... but this isn't a double shot and I haven't even touched it." She is all sweetness and innocence.
"Actually," I tell her, unable to keep my, what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you expression off my face, "I did measure it, and you actually got two and a half shots."
She is not so sweet when she mentions that she will not order any more.
I wonder if I will get in trouble for telling her to just go ahead and leave now.

Then, the other girl.
She orders a Corona, which I open and serve her.
Then she asks how much it costs and wants to get a cheaper beer.
I roll my eyes and put the open Corona in the cooler, reasonably sure I can sell it later, but annoyed nontheless.

And then the pre-drinker comes in and orders two pitchers of beer before deciding to sing karaoke.
Which would have been super had he not spent ten minutes on the microphone yelling and making various statements before singing.
Twice.
I wonder how much I would have to pay the karaoke guy to throw away the rest of this kid's slips.

Then, there is some disturbance on the floor between a guy and two or three other people. I am still unsure of the events that lead up it, because I couldn't even pretend to care at that point. We told the guy to leave. He declined.
We told him a bit more harshly and he stumbled around outside for a few moments, tried to come in again, got angry that he was denied entry and then he forgot he even wanted to come in and wandered away.

AND THEN... just before closing some crazy bitch. 
Her and her friend sit at a table and are perturbed when the other bartender takes away the drinks they have brought in with them. The crazy one is further annoyed by the fact that we refuse to serve her at all. 
She then proceeds to make a scene in the bar, accusing some guy that has just come in of assaulting some other girl in some other bar.
I have no idea whether this is a true statement, and I don't care.
If he assaulted some girl somewhere else?
Not my fucking problem.
The girl is told to leave.
She also declines.
She attempts to jump over the guy standing between her and the first guy.
The middle guy grabs her arms, gently, and steers her towards the door.
She starts screaming about being assaulted, tells us that the bar is trash and calls the other bartender a slut before walking out and then back in again.
The other bartender informs her that she is calling the police to deal with her and the girl leaves.
She walks down the block, she suddenly decides that she has not made a big enough ass of herself just yet, so she turns around for her fourth attempt and is detoured by a squad car.
I can only assume her stupidity is not solely alcohol based and wonder how many Xanax she has eaten this evening.

Three o'clock comes around and we lock the door with a huge sigh of relief. We toast each other, and proclaim this night to have been the worst bartending experience ever.
Fuck you full moon.

06 August 2012

Jackoff - Detailed Example #1: The Insufferable Jackoff

He's not good looking, or he is mediocre in appearance.
He has an over-inflated sense of importance.
He is loud and obnoxious even before his first drink.
He can not imagine that any woman would not want to go home with him.
He is offended by the idea that this bartender has no clue who he is or what band he once played with.
He is further offended by my refusal to give him my phone number and my inability to remember his name on his second visit.
He is further angered when he is told to shut the fuck up and stay out of any fight taking place outside.
Shutting the door on him when he attempts to interfere leads to hours of ranting and raving with in my earshot but not to my face directly.
He hassles the band, and anyone else he perceives as weaker; older people, much younger people, smaller people.
He is mysteriously well-behaved and silent when anyone else is involved.
He claims to have a whole bunch of money, but he begs drinks off of other people.
He claims to have "done time".
Says he cannot appear in any photos at a bar.
Claims to be on parole.
He has a public facebook page full of pictures of himself at various bars.
He can't stand me.
Hasn't liked me since I asked him, in all seriousness, whether his "So... you taking me home with you tonight?" line had ever gotten him laid. 
Ever.
He probably hates me now.
I continue to serve him when he comes in, but it is readily apparent that I can not stand him.
He is all smiles and politeness since realizing that I want to hit him with a full bottle of liquor.
He will talk and talk and talk to anyone that will listen until someone disagrees with him.
Then he is sullen and silent until he finds a new audience.
He pouts, like a spoiled child.
He says he used to be a bouncer, somewhere.
He leaves the bar with an open beer, fully aware that this is illegal.
He maybe thinks that laws and rules do not apply to him, since he is so fucking special.
He is going to get his ass handed to him someday, and I sincerely hope I will be there to see it.