09 June 2014

Rape Culture? What The Hell Does That Even Mean?

From what I gather, somebody is pissed off about something Miss Nevada said about women learning self defense to avoid or prevent rape. Somehow, I can't image where the fuck the logic comes from, but somehow, there are a bunch of pissed of feminists claiming that in somefuckingway that statement is embracing the "rape culture."

I was unaware of such a culture.

These in-no-way-in-touch-with-reality feminists say something about not teaching women self defense to prevent rape, but only teaching men not to rape. Which is fucking weird. Does anyone teach men to rape? I was under the impression it was a pretty frowned on practice. 

And while we're on that subject... when did the definition of rape change so much? Rape is a horrible, violent crime and I am in no way lessening the severity of it. A friend and I had a conversation about this subject. He said that in some class or another, he was told "nothing is sexier than consent..." Is that what they mean about teaching men not to rape? 

Feminists are fucking weird.

The friend also mentioned something about informed consent, "How do they expect me to know if a girl is too drunk to know she's consenting?" Valid point, but furthermore, why does he have to worry about informed consent when I don't? I can go pick a drunk dude up and bang him anytime, and if he is too drunk to remember giving consent, or remember me at all, is that also "rape?" 

I'm not saying that it's okay. Most of us have seen the douche in the bar that picks up the drunk chick. Her friends may or may not try to talk her out of it, but drunk or not, she makes the choice to go home with the douche. Yes, that makes the guy an asshole, but not a rapist for fuck's sake.

Obviously, I am not talking about the dickheads that roofie people in bars. They should all be shot. 

Also, why, if a woman can be too drunk to give informed consent, isn't being "too drunk" a legal defense? 

People are fucking weird.


30 April 2014

Babies Shooting... Everything

I got an email the other day from a guy writing an article about firearms. He asked a question about kids and guns, which prompted a rant I'm not sure he was looking for. 
How do we stop kids from thinking that guns are toys? How do we prevent little kids from shooting their parents, siblings, dogs, themselves and whatever else happens to be in front of the muzzle?

Well, in my non-expert opinion (which, thank God I have, because the experts appear to be overwhelmingly ill informed) we can approach this several ways: 
We can use fear to teach children to never, ever touch anything that looks like a gun. 
"Guns are bad. Guns are dangerous. Don't ever touch them."
Which pretty much ensures that these children will be the first to pick up and play with a firearm he knows nothing about. We teach them that drugs are bad, too. Thank God that's never inspired any curiosity...

Or we can approach it the same way we do fire safety in school. "This is a gun. If you find a gun, do not pick it up. Call an adult immediately." Sort of like that whole, "never play with matches" thing. Because, certainly none of us ever played with matches the very same day that the school had the presentation.

Or, we can maybe try a little common sense. 
I have three children.
I also have a Glock.
My older children have been shooting. My oldest knows how to clear a slide and even take down a Glock. She's 12. 

What does that mean exactly? It means that my oldest children's curiosity about firearms has been mostly satisfied. It means that I am somewhat confident that they are informed enough to never point a firearm in an unsafe direction. It means that instead of being afraid of guns, they have developed a healthy respect for the destructive nature of firearms.

It does not mean that I leave them unattended, with firearms laying around on tables and floors. It does not mean that they are aware of where the gun is kept when it isn't on me. As much as I trust my children, I know the appeal of showing off.

And so the answer to how do we stop babies from accidentally shooting shit? Common fucking sense. 
Again. 

Don't leave your guns in your kids' toy boxes. Or on the floor. Or on the kitchen table. If you can't manage this? Don't have kids. 
If you're worried about kids finding guns at other people's house? Teach them.
Don't keep your gun in a shoebox in your closet. Who the fuck does that anyway? If you want to hide a gun in your home, at least put it somewhere inaccessible to your children. 

Most importantly, even if you've taught your children to respect the power of a firearm, do not underestimate the pull of showing off. Teaching your kids about guns doesn't make them tiny adults that know about guns. It makes them kids that know stuff some of their friends don't.  

Again, this is only my opinion, but the number of accidental child shootings in my house? 
Zero.

18 April 2014

Dear New York, Much Safer Now

Dear New York,

I'm writing to express my heartfelt appreciation of the knee-jerk legislation you passed back in January of 2013.

You see, I've often bitched about the impossibility of defining the term "assault weapon." Thankfully, you seem to have narrowed it down, once again, to firearms that either look scary, or have certain features that absolutely in no way affect the mechanical aspect of a firearm. Congrats, probably it'll work this time.

Since, obviously, no one in your government has ever seen a firearm before, I'll take the time to explain.

Folding and telescoping stocks are designed to allow the weapon to be fired from a car. Or one-handed, from the hip probably. This is especially true of those semi-auto shotguns. I've found that 12 gauge wounds are far more lethal when fired from a shotgun with a folding stock. The same is true of weapons with thumbhole stocks. I believe the act of placing one's thumb through a hole in the stock of a weapon creates less wind-drag, which increases the velocity of a round exponentially, or something like that.
Don't push me bro. I'll extend my stock and assault the shit right out of you.


And of course, the danger of having a bayonet lug on a weapon. I mean shit, if I'm going to be shot, I certainly don't want to know that the shooter had the capability of attaching a knife to the gun. Plus, I'm guessing that the presence of a bayonet lug allows the firearm to be fired more quickly, seeing as how it's just a piece metal that allows the mounting of a bayonet.

As for the flash suppressors, thank goodness those won't be a problem anymore. I can't even tell you the horror of being shot with a rifle and not having the burning gases displaced. At least I'll have died knowing that the shooter was seeing spots for a few minutes. Probably.  
You see, much safer now. This rifle is practically incapable of hurting anyone. 


I could go on and discuss the grenade launchers and pistol grips, but I'm running out of time and I certainly wanted to give you an "atta boy" over your decision to require these assault weapons be registered. I'm confident you have some way of enforcing this registration thing, other than to say it's a misdemeanor not to, right?

Probably you have some gun-sniffing ferrets or something that are going to alert you to the fact that someone owns a firearm that can be defined as an assault weapon. Surely, you have the manpower and funding to actually go break into American civilian homes to verify that there are, in fact, no assault weapons present. I'm guessing you'll somehow probably find the balls also. 

That must be the plan, right? Since the amount of manpower and funding it would take to trace each and every firearm capable of being defined as an assault weapon that was imported and sold God knows how many times in the history of forever is simply unfeasible. To save argument or any actual thought, we'll just ignore the fact that quality record keeping is fairly new.

Perhaps next time you pass some sort of gun reform, you could consider banning slings as well, especially the military style ones. And maybe require AR-15 style rifles to be painted in bright, happy colors as they'd be less lethal if they weren't so scary looking. Just a thought.

In closing, I'd like to thank you, once again, for responding to an awful tragedy with this totally useless, panicked legislation. I'd also like to thank you for not knowing a rifle from a fucking cupcake, and banning totally inconsequential features. You should be proud, or, um, something like proud. Embarrassed by your total and utter ignorance, maybe?

Sincerely,
Someone Who Knows What Makes Guns Go Pew-Pew




23 March 2014

Lessons in Road Trips

Road trips teach us things about stuff. Mostly about our travel companions and ourselves. The following list is only the shit I learned about myself on a recent trip to New Orleans with six other people:

1.) I smoke more than all of my friends put together.

2.) Sitting next to me in a car must be like sitting next to a five year old. It seems that everyone but me was perfectly capable of sitting still, while I alternated sitting upside down with my head on the center counsel and my ass on the seat, and sleeping on the floor of the backseat.

3.) I am blissfully aware of...everything. Tension? What tension? So and so is mad at so and so who is... Alright! Whose ready to hit the bar?

4.) I am far more comfortable sleeping on the kitchen floor than crawling into beds filled with sleeping people.

5.) I can and will hold my shit for up to five days to avoid doing so in the only bathroom shared by seven people.

6.) Do not under any circumstances tell Drunk Krissy not to walk across broken glass barefoot. I do what I want! Why the fuck do my feet hurt so bad?

7.) I seem to be incredibly selfish. By that I mean that it doesn't occur to me to ask anyone if they'd like to do something with me, I tend to just do it. Which is not to say I wouldn't welcome company... I just don't think to ask.

We really are assholes.

13 March 2014

I'm Pretty...

People have quirks, weird, random shit that makes no sense to anyone. For example, my husband is not allowed to fold towels. This is because God clearly intended for towels to be folded into neat, tri-fold rectangles. Of course the towels still dry when they are folded into squares, but it's just fucking wrong, so he's not allowed to fold the towels. 

Unbeknownst to most of us until sometime during my high school career, my father's quirks include the bagging of groceries. I don't know the details, exactly, other than God also has clear this-is-how-you-bag-the-damn-grapes-for-fuck's-sake guidelines. 

Apparently, my mother was as unaware of these strict guidelines as the rest of the world. On a shopping trip with my father one day we were all made aware of this particular quirk. 

My daddy is a sheet metal worker, and occasionally during the winters of my childhood he was laid off when work was slow. During these times we grocery shopped at Aldi's. (My brother still refers to every other grocery store as the "real food" stores.) Aldi's is cheap and you have to bag your own groceries after you check out. 

So there my parents were, standing at the long counter where customers bag their shit. My mother was simply trying to help and possibly wondering what the Hell was wrong with my father as he told her the clearly written holy rules of grocery bagging. 

I can imagine the conversation:
No. You can't put the grapes in the bag with the bananas. They'll start breeding and shit. Toilet paper does not belong in the paper bags for the love of God woman...

Actually, I have no clue what the conversation sounded like, except every time my mom bagged something, my father would take it out and redo it. Another man who was also bagging his own not-real food was enthralled by the shenanigans and stared blatantly while tossing shit all willy-nilly into his own bags.

In his frustration with my mother's obvious grocery etiquette ignorance, my father finally released a giant sigh and said, "Dammit Chris. Would you just stand there and look pretty!"

As you can imagine, this drew a shocked and angry glare from the eavesdropping co-bagger guy. I'm sure the guy was thinking something like that dude shouldn't talk to his wife that way. How disrespectful. His glare said something like, I should hit that guy. 

My mom, rather than beating my father bloody with a frozen box of almost-chicken, simply clasped her hands behind her back and swayed a bit.
 Like this:
Photo via Vectors
On an unrelated note, googling "sweet" "cartoon girl" "hands behind back" results in highly disturbing and inappropriate images that are anything but innocent and sweet.
And said, "Aww. Bubby, you think I'm pretty," in that sweet, innocent voice you're imaging right now. 

Which of course, drew a snort, and actual snort of laughter from the glaring co-bagger. 

There is no point to this story, other than the obvious. My parents are awesome. 

06 February 2014

Cracked.com Rewrite: 7 Female Behaviors That Baffle Men: Explained by Krissy

I came across this article on Cracked.com, 7 Female Behaviors That Baffle Men(Explained!) Now, admittedly, the author is probably right about most of them, I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure...but. I can think of a few more realistic explanations for female behaviors.

1. Going to the bathroom in groups.
The author says something about all the girls going pee at the same time because a lull in conversation is sort of like a commercial break or something. She says women don't want to miss anything important or entertaining.

This may or not be true. Once again, I am not a doctor. However, if a bunch of girls are going into the restroom together? Cocaine.

Alternately, one of them needed a tampon. Or they want to talk about you where you can't hear them. You are welcome.

2. Why are women's restroom so much more disgusting than men's?
The author says something about women fearing filth, which triggers a fight or flight response. So obviously, women run in terror from the floating shit in the toilet and forget to flush their own.

Hmm. I suppose it's a good theory. However, I'd prefer to think it has more to do with the fact women have so much more STUFF at their disposal to be disgusting with. Men's rooms contain urinals, toilets, probably toilet paper and one of those condom vending things.

Women's rooms... they contain mostly the same thing, except the urinals of course. However, they also contain little garbage can things for women to dispose of their used sanitary items in. Yes, I mean tampons and maxi-pads... all covered with uterus lining and other gross shit. Now say you're a woman, taking a piss and you accidentally kick over one of those things? Are you going to pick that shit up and put it back? Fuck no you aren't. Unless there is something seriously, seriously wrong with you, and I don't even need to be a doctor to say that.

3. Why do girls take so long to get ready?
The author says something about changing clothes and make up. Which is probably true. I can't speak for all women, but sometimes, when I feel like dressing like a girl, I do the whole dress, shoe thing and then look in the mirror... And realize that while I may look like a girl, I feel like an absolute fucking moron. So, then I have to put on the jeans and tank top combo that makes me feel normal again.

Also, make up. Shit yes. Not because make up typically takes all that long, but generally because I cannot seem to apply mascara without getting that shit all over my cheeks and eyelids at least once. Which means I have to wipe it off and try again. Which means I have to reapply eyeshadow. Because I really do suck at the girl thing.

4. Why are women's fashions so complicated?
I've never actually met a man that has been baffled by this, however... The author says something about seasons and dressing either slutty or conservative based on the occasion or something like that.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'd go with something much simpler. For example, women  care. We care what you think, we care what other women think, we care whether our grandparents are going to hang their heads in shame if they are seen out with us. Why we care is perhaps even more of a baffling female behavior. Except for the grandparents thing. Obviously.

5. Why do women smell nice?
The author blames pheremones and shampoo and shit. Possible I guess.

Alternately? We bathe. We also tend to use shit like fabric softener, dryer sheets and girly smelling soaps. Because we like that shit.

6. Why do women have so many shoes?
The author blames something about matching shoes and  dresses and outfits and shit. Which essentially is the correct answer. Mostly. Because I know women that own infinite amounts of shoes(ahem, Grandma). I own three. Two pairs of gym shoes and a pair of ballet flat things, because as my youngest daughter pointed out, I look ridiculous in a dress and Nikes.

Actually, I also own a pair of hooker boots. Not because I am a hooker, but because I tend to receive more tips when I bartend in them..

7. Why do women get so upset about the toilet seat thing?
The author says something about how men not having the courtesy to place the lid in the down position illustrates how little he thinks about his girlfriend. Which is baffling in itself, really, because why the fuck are you thinking about her while you urinate. Nevermind, don't answer that shit.

Anyhow, aside from falling into the toilet in the middle of the night, which is easily avoidable by, I don't know, flipping a fucking light switch, men are sloppy pissers. They just are, it biological or something.

Anyhow, while I don't typically get upset by lifted lids... I can certainly say that the bottom of the toilet seat often contains really gross shit. And the toilet rim itself? Fucking gross. Piss, pubic hair, sometimes, inexplicably, feces.

I don't know, but if your girlfriend is continuously bitching about the toilet lid? Maybe try cleaning your toilet.

Once again, I am not a doctor, or even actually a girl most of the time, so feel free to ignore everything I just said. You are welcome.

Hippie Beer, Olympic Committees and More Hippie Beer

In a recent conversation that absolutely did not involve the drinking of Three Floyds Permanent fucking Funeral hippie beer, we found ourselves discussing the upcoming winter Olympics and also the next summer Olympics.

Obviously, this is because we are grown ups and we care about shit like that... or because the whole Russia thing offers so many "What the fuck" opportunities. I had assumed that the countries that held the Olympics were chosen by the same people that get to decide whether Pluto is a planet and come up with ridiculous names for storms.

Not so, it seems. Apparently there is some sort of committee that chooses these countries out of whoever bids on them. And so, in my non-professional and grossly uninformed opinion, this illustrates several things.

1. This committee is made up people that hate gay athletes, as in Fuck it, we should send them all to Russia, they probably won't make it back.

2. This committee is also made up of people that hate Russia, as in Let's do it in Sochi so the whole world can laugh at Russia.

3. This committee also hates people that go to watch the Olympics and also the media, as evidenced in the tweets sent by journalists... My favorite one being the "dangerous face water."

4. This committee also hates poor Brazilian people, or they just enjoy watching drug cartels shoot RPGs at the police helicopters that are circling the ghettos.

5. They probably also hate Russian stray dogs. I can't image why.

And so, taking all of these observations into account, one can only assume one of two things. These people are actually, actively trying to get fired. Or, they really hate the Olympics are hoping that a series of violent deaths will eventually cause the entire Olympic thing to be canceled forever.

**Sources** T.Rohe, K.Alsman, M.Wadman and Three Floyds Brewing. And probably others that I don't entirely remember speaking to.