31 December 2014

Douche-Bagging America

There's been so much talk about the pussification of America. Personally, I have the feeling we're creating douchebags. 

You see, there I was walking down Bourbon Street in NOLA, and there's some poor bastard staked out in the middle of the street, beyond where they block it off. Obviously, I asked the guy if he was okay where he was, or if he needed help to get to the sidewalk. He said he'd rather be on the sidewalk. I attempted to help him stand up. 

While I was holding this guy's hand and trying to help him stand, some fucking kid walked by and pretended to kick him in the head. Having already had more than a few shots of tequila, I informed the kid that he was a fucking douchebag. To which, the kid replied, "I was just joking. I'm really a nice guy." He then asked the street guy if he could help. 

I felt like if I didn't, at this point, inform the kid that he was a ridiculous fucking piece of shit, probably no one in his life ever would, so I did. I also may or may not have threatened bodily harm. 

And what does this have to do with douche-bagging America? Fucking everything.

 We keep telling our kids that they're so special, and making sure they feel like they're worth something that we forget to teach them that they aren't the only worthwhile people in the world.

We forget to tell them that they're lucky to be here instead of "there," wherever there might be. I don't care if the dude in the middle of the Bourbon Street gets hammered and camps there every night. He's still a person. At some point, he was someone's son; maybe he was someone's brother, father, uncle or husband. I don't know what brought him to the place he's at now and I don't care.  

I can teach my children a lot of things, but I can't imagine anything more important than teaching them compassion, empathy and responsibility.

And also mostly just not being fucking douche-bags. 

17 December 2014

So I Guess My Neighbor is a Murderer...

"I heard what Joe* did, Mom," says my nine year old daughter. I knew this was coming, had been avoiding it for a few days, even though I knew I couldn't keep it from her forever.

Joe is Neighbor Girl's big brother. I think he was around eleven years old when we moved in next door to them. Neighbor Girl has pretty much been a staple at our home since, more about her here.

Joe murdered a man last week.

It was one of those now familiar moments in parenting where I simply didn't know what to say. I asked her what she heard.

"Well, he's going to jail, because I guess he shot someone?" She says the neighbor lady told her about it. I'm not sure which of the neighbor ladies would discuss murder with a third grader.

The thing is... Joe was the kid that came over to collect Neighbor Girl when it was time for dinner. Joe was the kid that took his baby sister and my daughter fishing. He took them on walks and bike rides around the block when they were too little to go by themselves.

Other than that, I don't really know all that much about Joe, really. I know he got into trouble a few times, I know he was in jail or juvie or something for a while. I don't know why, because I'm mostly anti-social and don't speak to my neighbors.

The whole situation just bothers me immensely for several reasons:

First of all? We all know my position on using lethal force to protect yourself, your family and your home, right? Shoot that fucker. I, personally, do not extend that position to stuff. If you really, really want to steal my car, or something out of my car? Have at it. Homeowner's will cover it.

If you carry a gun, God bless ya, everyone should. However, if you carry a gun and don't have a certain mindset, things can get really bad, really fast.

The article is here if you'd like the details, but here's my take on the whole thing:

I've met several eighteen year old males, nearly all of whom could kick my ass. Like quick, without actually having to try very hard.

Had the victim not been carrying a gun, would he have been so confident physically confronting three men by himself?

I know it seems as if I'm blaming the victim and I don't mean to. I just think a "Hey kids, get the fuck out of my car" would have worked.  One could argue that he was trying to do the right thing and hold the guys at gunpoint until the cops showed up. If you're going to do shit like that? TRAIN WITH YOUR WEAPON. Which doesn't mean firing 50 rounds at the range once a month.

And then, there's Joe. I can't stop thinking about all of the really, really, fucking dumb shit I did at eighteen. Please don't think I'm excusing his behavior, he deserves everything he gets. The thing is though, at eighteen everything is pretty much black and white. I can imagine he was thinking something along the lines of: Fuck. I'm going to go back to jail. Shit, my parents are going to be so pissed...

Obviously, this line of thinking and his youth do not justify killing a man, but I'm willing to bet he didn't think that far ahead. I'm guessing all he was thinking about was getting out of there before the cops showed up. Teenagers and a whole bunch of grown ass adults don't always understand the ultimate consequences of their actions beyond the now.

I guess my main point here is something along the lines of: What an absolute waste of so many lives. Four kids don't have a dad anymore. And the rest of his family lost a husband, a brother and an uncle.

Deservedly, Joe's life is over. But it isn't just his life. Neighbor Girl has lost a big brother, and big brothers are pretty damn important to little girls. I know, I have one. And of course, his parents have lost a son. And for what? An IPod? A car stereo? A fucking cup holder full of change?

And then, selfishly, I'm trying to figure out whether I should tell my daughter that sometimes the people we know and care about turn out to be really evil people, or simply that sometimes good people do really bad shit.

*Name changed because I do what I want. And also because my kid was trying to read over my shoulder.

05 October 2014

Being a Writer, Er, Being Bat-Shit Crazy

"See, I can write well, but I'm not a writer. The difference is, you are compelled to write, and I have to be compelled to write." - Kensey Alsman, sometime, somewhere, probably at a bar. 

I have this incredibly talented daughter, who at the age of two, would sit for hours and color and cut and paste and make stuff. She did not choose, at that age, to be an artist, she just is and always has been. Being a writer is mostly the same thing.

I don't think that anyone chooses to be a writer. We are, in general, some pretty goddamned disturbed people. Consider Hemingway, Poe, Hunter Thompson, and countless others, all mostly fucked in the head. 

"Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand."-George Orwell

Another writer, E.L. Doctorow, compared writing to "a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia," which is almost true. Writing is almost like hearing voices, except they're speaking very softly in a language I don't speak. 

I spend days, weeks sometimes, existing on an hour or two of sleep a night staring at a blank Microsoft Word page-arguably because I am also batshit crazy- but also because something in me is working on making its way out. Words, phrases, images, ideas and sometimes just the impressions of ideas highjack my brain and they won't shut the fuck up until I figure out how to get them out. Sometimes, oftentimes really, they're shit when they do come out, but at least they're out and that restless feeling ebbs for a week or two.

And then, if a writer is really unlucky, someone tells them that they're good at it. Now, the almost-voices are not only demanding to be interpreted, they expect to be interpreted well. 

It's not that I have anything truly profound to share with the world. Everyone has a story, or stories. The difference, I guess, is that mine keep trying to come to life in my head.

I suppose the entire point of this post is just to say, if there were such things as muses? They'd be fucking assholes. 

03 September 2014

Ferguson, Cows, Racism and Pickles

The chief of police in Ferguson says that there isn't a black and white divide in the city. Apparently, the guy is an absolute moron. There's a black and white divide everywhere. Hell, there's an everything divide everywhere. Whether there should be or not is a moot point. It isn't going to change. Most of us are inherently racially biased, which is not to say that we're all lynch-mob, ignorant fucks.

Babies, who are by nature, selfish little pricks learn racial bias by the age of nine months. I'm no doctor or anything, but I'd assume baby thinks something like this:
         Oooh. That face looks like the face attached to the booby milk. I'm going to look closer and see for sure before I manipulate it by being all cute and shit so it'll continue to feed my helpless self. 
Baby studies face intently. Then another face comes into view, a face that is a different race than the booby-milk face.
What the....doesn't matter, not the booby-milk.
And so, by the age of 9 months, baby learns that faces who belong to the same race as the booby-milk are good things. And since babies see everything as an extension of self, they would recognize this group of people as us. And other races as... meh.

It's not that we all grow up to dislike people of other races, it's more like we just don't see them. Which is why black people all look the same to white people, We've conditioned ourselves, as infants, not to record the information as important. Because, once again, babies are assholes. See, here's a study.

I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that as much as we want to pretend otherwise, race will never be a non-issue. Most of us agree that racial oppression is a bad thing and that we all, as humans, are entitled to certain basic human rights, but most of us reserve our outrage for violations of such rights for our own races. 

In Ferguson, MO a grossly disproportionate amount of white police officers are policing a population where the majority of the residents are black. I can't imagine how this wouldn't lead to an "us vs. them" mentality among residents and officers. Not because black people commit more crimes, but because there are more black people than there are white people. It's something like the full-moon effect. People aren't crazier during a full moon, we just think so because we remember when the full moon is. Our brains seek patterns and sometimes make them up. 

Then we have to consider society's reaction to certain events. Clive What'shisname for example... He broke the law. The government was going to come take his cows. In response to the federal law enforcement presence,  a shit ton of armed militia people showed up. The feds were all like, well hell, guess we lost this one. Let's go home.

In Ferguson on the other hand, a young kid, an unarmed one, broke the law...At some point, we think. I don't even know. Regardless, the local government took his life. Whether it was a good shooting or not isn't for me to say.. And when people gathered in protest of his death? The local government sent this:
Yes, people began looting. I've seen the whole, this is how you mourn a dead kid, by destroying your community's businesses?

Shut up. You're stupid.

This is how they make sure they are heard and seen. We see this one incident as a wake up call, while they see it as a last straw because they live with shit like this every single day.

And while we are on that... what do think would have happened if the government had sent a similar force out to the cow guy's ranch? And on the other hand, why the hell didn't they? There was a guy in a fucking sniper position for God's sake. Ferguson is throwing rocks at cops. And furthermore, where the fuck are the hundreds of armed militia guys and their hatred of big government in Ferguson?

In my humble, non-expert opinion, this is not the time to talk about racial equality, we've been over, under, around and through that issue for so long we don't even know what it means anymore. It's time to acknowledge the fact that we will never "unsee" race. So instead of trying to force an unnatural oversight of race, how about acknowledging the fact that we will always be equal and also separate to some extent and tell Ferguson to hire some black cops for fuck's sake.

On an unrelated note, Mark brought me homemade pickles today, so I'm going to go eat them now. They are, no joke, the best damn pickles I've ever had.

09 June 2014

Rape Culture? What The Hell Does That Even Mean?

From what I gather, somebody is pissed off about something Miss Nevada said about women learning self defense to avoid or prevent rape. Somehow, I can't image where the fuck the logic comes from, but somehow, there are a bunch of pissed of feminists claiming that in somefuckingway that statement is embracing the "rape culture."

I was unaware of such a culture.

These in-no-way-in-touch-with-reality feminists say something about not teaching women self defense to prevent rape, but only teaching men not to rape. Which is fucking weird. Does anyone teach men to rape? I was under the impression it was a pretty frowned on practice. 

And while we're on that subject... when did the definition of rape change so much? Rape is a horrible, violent crime and I am in no way lessening the severity of it. A friend and I had a conversation about this subject. He said that in some class or another, he was told "nothing is sexier than consent..." Is that what they mean about teaching men not to rape? 

Feminists are fucking weird.

The friend also mentioned something about informed consent, "How do they expect me to know if a girl is too drunk to know she's consenting?" Valid point, but furthermore, why does he have to worry about informed consent when I don't? I can go pick a drunk dude up and bang him anytime, and if he is too drunk to remember giving consent, or remember me at all, is that also "rape?" 

I'm not saying that it's okay. Most of us have seen the douche in the bar that picks up the drunk chick. Her friends may or may not try to talk her out of it, but drunk or not, she makes the choice to go home with the douche. Yes, that makes the guy an asshole, but not a rapist for fuck's sake.

Obviously, I am not talking about the dickheads that roofie people in bars. They should all be shot. 

Also, why, if a woman can be too drunk to give informed consent, isn't being "too drunk" a legal defense? 

People are fucking weird.

30 April 2014

Babies Shooting... Everything

I got an email the other day from a guy writing an article about firearms. He asked a question about kids and guns, which prompted a rant I'm not sure he was looking for. 
How do we stop kids from thinking that guns are toys? How do we prevent little kids from shooting their parents, siblings, dogs, themselves and whatever else happens to be in front of the muzzle?

Well, in my non-expert opinion (which, thank God I have, because the experts appear to be overwhelmingly ill informed) we can approach this several ways: 
We can use fear to teach children to never, ever touch anything that looks like a gun. 
"Guns are bad. Guns are dangerous. Don't ever touch them."
Which pretty much ensures that these children will be the first to pick up and play with a firearm he knows nothing about. We teach them that drugs are bad, too. Thank God that's never inspired any curiosity...

Or we can approach it the same way we do fire safety in school. "This is a gun. If you find a gun, do not pick it up. Call an adult immediately." Sort of like that whole, "never play with matches" thing. Because, certainly none of us ever played with matches the very same day that the school had the presentation.

Or, we can maybe try a little common sense. 
I have three children.
I also have a Glock.
My older children have been shooting. My oldest knows how to clear a slide and even take down a Glock. She's 12. 

What does that mean exactly? It means that my oldest children's curiosity about firearms has been mostly satisfied. It means that I am somewhat confident that they are informed enough to never point a firearm in an unsafe direction. It means that instead of being afraid of guns, they have developed a healthy respect for the destructive nature of firearms.

It does not mean that I leave them unattended, with firearms laying around on tables and floors. It does not mean that they are aware of where the gun is kept when it isn't on me. As much as I trust my children, I know the appeal of showing off.

And so the answer to how do we stop babies from accidentally shooting shit? Common fucking sense. 

Don't leave your guns in your kids' toy boxes. Or on the floor. Or on the kitchen table. If you can't manage this? Don't have kids. 
If you're worried about kids finding guns at other people's house? Teach them.
Don't keep your gun in a shoebox in your closet. Who the fuck does that anyway? If you want to hide a gun in your home, at least put it somewhere inaccessible to your children. 

Most importantly, even if you've taught your children to respect the power of a firearm, do not underestimate the pull of showing off. Teaching your kids about guns doesn't make them tiny adults that know about guns. It makes them kids that know stuff some of their friends don't.  

Again, this is only my opinion, but the number of accidental child shootings in my house? 

18 April 2014

Dear New York, Much Safer Now

Dear New York,

I'm writing to express my heartfelt appreciation of the knee-jerk legislation you passed back in January of 2013.

You see, I've often bitched about the impossibility of defining the term "assault weapon." Thankfully, you seem to have narrowed it down, once again, to firearms that either look scary, or have certain features that absolutely in no way affect the mechanical aspect of a firearm. Congrats, probably it'll work this time.

Since, obviously, no one in your government has ever seen a firearm before, I'll take the time to explain.

Folding and telescoping stocks are designed to allow the weapon to be fired from a car. Or one-handed, from the hip probably. This is especially true of those semi-auto shotguns. I've found that 12 gauge wounds are far more lethal when fired from a shotgun with a folding stock. The same is true of weapons with thumbhole stocks. I believe the act of placing one's thumb through a hole in the stock of a weapon creates less wind-drag, which increases the velocity of a round exponentially, or something like that.
Don't push me bro. I'll extend my stock and assault the shit right out of you.

And of course, the danger of having a bayonet lug on a weapon. I mean shit, if I'm going to be shot, I certainly don't want to know that the shooter had the capability of attaching a knife to the gun. Plus, I'm guessing that the presence of a bayonet lug allows the firearm to be fired more quickly, seeing as how it's just a piece metal that allows the mounting of a bayonet.

As for the flash suppressors, thank goodness those won't be a problem anymore. I can't even tell you the horror of being shot with a rifle and not having the burning gases displaced. At least I'll have died knowing that the shooter was seeing spots for a few minutes. Probably.  
You see, much safer now. This rifle is practically incapable of hurting anyone. 

I could go on and discuss the grenade launchers and pistol grips, but I'm running out of time and I certainly wanted to give you an "atta boy" over your decision to require these assault weapons be registered. I'm confident you have some way of enforcing this registration thing, other than to say it's a misdemeanor not to, right?

Probably you have some gun-sniffing ferrets or something that are going to alert you to the fact that someone owns a firearm that can be defined as an assault weapon. Surely, you have the manpower and funding to actually go break into American civilian homes to verify that there are, in fact, no assault weapons present. I'm guessing you'll somehow probably find the balls also. 

That must be the plan, right? Since the amount of manpower and funding it would take to trace each and every firearm capable of being defined as an assault weapon that was imported and sold God knows how many times in the history of forever is simply unfeasible. To save argument or any actual thought, we'll just ignore the fact that quality record keeping is fairly new.

Perhaps next time you pass some sort of gun reform, you could consider banning slings as well, especially the military style ones. And maybe require AR-15 style rifles to be painted in bright, happy colors as they'd be less lethal if they weren't so scary looking. Just a thought.

In closing, I'd like to thank you, once again, for responding to an awful tragedy with this totally useless, panicked legislation. I'd also like to thank you for not knowing a rifle from a fucking cupcake, and banning totally inconsequential features. You should be proud, or, um, something like proud. Embarrassed by your total and utter ignorance, maybe?

Someone Who Knows What Makes Guns Go Pew-Pew

23 March 2014

Lessons in Road Trips

Road trips teach us things about stuff. Mostly about our travel companions and ourselves. The following list is only the shit I learned about myself on a recent trip to New Orleans with six other people:

1.) I smoke more than all of my friends put together.

2.) Sitting next to me in a car must be like sitting next to a five year old. It seems that everyone but me was perfectly capable of sitting still, while I alternated sitting upside down with my head on the center counsel and my ass on the seat, and sleeping on the floor of the backseat.

3.) I am blissfully aware of...everything. Tension? What tension? So and so is mad at so and so who is... Alright! Whose ready to hit the bar?

4.) I am far more comfortable sleeping on the kitchen floor than crawling into beds filled with sleeping people.

5.) I can and will hold my shit for up to five days to avoid doing so in the only bathroom shared by seven people.

6.) Do not under any circumstances tell Drunk Krissy not to walk across broken glass barefoot. I do what I want! Why the fuck do my feet hurt so bad?

7.) I seem to be incredibly selfish. By that I mean that it doesn't occur to me to ask anyone if they'd like to do something with me, I tend to just do it. Which is not to say I wouldn't welcome company... I just don't think to ask.

We really are assholes.

13 March 2014

I'm Pretty...

People have quirks, weird, random shit that makes no sense to anyone. For example, my husband is not allowed to fold towels. This is because God clearly intended for towels to be folded into neat, tri-fold rectangles. Of course the towels still dry when they are folded into squares, but it's just fucking wrong, so he's not allowed to fold the towels. 

Unbeknownst to most of us until sometime during my high school career, my father's quirks include the bagging of groceries. I don't know the details, exactly, other than God also has clear this-is-how-you-bag-the-damn-grapes-for-fuck's-sake guidelines. 

Apparently, my mother was as unaware of these strict guidelines as the rest of the world. On a shopping trip with my father one day we were all made aware of this particular quirk. 

My daddy is a sheet metal worker, and occasionally during the winters of my childhood he was laid off when work was slow. During these times we grocery shopped at Aldi's. (My brother still refers to every other grocery store as the "real food" stores.) Aldi's is cheap and you have to bag your own groceries after you check out. 

So there my parents were, standing at the long counter where customers bag their shit. My mother was simply trying to help and possibly wondering what the Hell was wrong with my father as he told her the clearly written holy rules of grocery bagging. 

I can imagine the conversation:
No. You can't put the grapes in the bag with the bananas. They'll start breeding and shit. Toilet paper does not belong in the paper bags for the love of God woman...

Actually, I have no clue what the conversation sounded like, except every time my mom bagged something, my father would take it out and redo it. Another man who was also bagging his own not-real food was enthralled by the shenanigans and stared blatantly while tossing shit all willy-nilly into his own bags.

In his frustration with my mother's obvious grocery etiquette ignorance, my father finally released a giant sigh and said, "Dammit Chris. Would you just stand there and look pretty!"

As you can imagine, this drew a shocked and angry glare from the eavesdropping co-bagger guy. I'm sure the guy was thinking something like that dude shouldn't talk to his wife that way. How disrespectful. His glare said something like, I should hit that guy. 

My mom, rather than beating my father bloody with a frozen box of almost-chicken, simply clasped her hands behind her back and swayed a bit.
 Like this:
Photo via Vectors
On an unrelated note, googling "sweet" "cartoon girl" "hands behind back" results in highly disturbing and inappropriate images that are anything but innocent and sweet.
And said, "Aww. Bubby, you think I'm pretty," in that sweet, innocent voice you're imaging right now. 

Which of course, drew a snort, and actual snort of laughter from the glaring co-bagger. 

There is no point to this story, other than the obvious. My parents are awesome. 

06 February 2014

Cracked.com Rewrite: 7 Female Behaviors That Baffle Men: Explained by Krissy

I came across this article on Cracked.com, 7 Female Behaviors That Baffle Men(Explained!) Now, admittedly, the author is probably right about most of them, I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure...but. I can think of a few more realistic explanations for female behaviors.

1. Going to the bathroom in groups.
The author says something about all the girls going pee at the same time because a lull in conversation is sort of like a commercial break or something. She says women don't want to miss anything important or entertaining.

This may or not be true. Once again, I am not a doctor. However, if a bunch of girls are going into the restroom together? Cocaine.

Alternately, one of them needed a tampon. Or they want to talk about you where you can't hear them. You are welcome.

2. Why are women's restroom so much more disgusting than men's?
The author says something about women fearing filth, which triggers a fight or flight response. So obviously, women run in terror from the floating shit in the toilet and forget to flush their own.

Hmm. I suppose it's a good theory. However, I'd prefer to think it has more to do with the fact women have so much more STUFF at their disposal to be disgusting with. Men's rooms contain urinals, toilets, probably toilet paper and one of those condom vending things.

Women's rooms... they contain mostly the same thing, except the urinals of course. However, they also contain little garbage can things for women to dispose of their used sanitary items in. Yes, I mean tampons and maxi-pads... all covered with uterus lining and other gross shit. Now say you're a woman, taking a piss and you accidentally kick over one of those things? Are you going to pick that shit up and put it back? Fuck no you aren't. Unless there is something seriously, seriously wrong with you, and I don't even need to be a doctor to say that.

3. Why do girls take so long to get ready?
The author says something about changing clothes and make up. Which is probably true. I can't speak for all women, but sometimes, when I feel like dressing like a girl, I do the whole dress, shoe thing and then look in the mirror... And realize that while I may look like a girl, I feel like an absolute fucking moron. So, then I have to put on the jeans and tank top combo that makes me feel normal again.

Also, make up. Shit yes. Not because make up typically takes all that long, but generally because I cannot seem to apply mascara without getting that shit all over my cheeks and eyelids at least once. Which means I have to wipe it off and try again. Which means I have to reapply eyeshadow. Because I really do suck at the girl thing.

4. Why are women's fashions so complicated?
I've never actually met a man that has been baffled by this, however... The author says something about seasons and dressing either slutty or conservative based on the occasion or something like that.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'd go with something much simpler. For example, women  care. We care what you think, we care what other women think, we care whether our grandparents are going to hang their heads in shame if they are seen out with us. Why we care is perhaps even more of a baffling female behavior. Except for the grandparents thing. Obviously.

5. Why do women smell nice?
The author blames pheremones and shampoo and shit. Possible I guess.

Alternately? We bathe. We also tend to use shit like fabric softener, dryer sheets and girly smelling soaps. Because we like that shit.

6. Why do women have so many shoes?
The author blames something about matching shoes and  dresses and outfits and shit. Which essentially is the correct answer. Mostly. Because I know women that own infinite amounts of shoes(ahem, Grandma). I own three. Two pairs of gym shoes and a pair of ballet flat things, because as my youngest daughter pointed out, I look ridiculous in a dress and Nikes.

Actually, I also own a pair of hooker boots. Not because I am a hooker, but because I tend to receive more tips when I bartend in them..

7. Why do women get so upset about the toilet seat thing?
The author says something about how men not having the courtesy to place the lid in the down position illustrates how little he thinks about his girlfriend. Which is baffling in itself, really, because why the fuck are you thinking about her while you urinate. Nevermind, don't answer that shit.

Anyhow, aside from falling into the toilet in the middle of the night, which is easily avoidable by, I don't know, flipping a fucking light switch, men are sloppy pissers. They just are, it biological or something.

Anyhow, while I don't typically get upset by lifted lids... I can certainly say that the bottom of the toilet seat often contains really gross shit. And the toilet rim itself? Fucking gross. Piss, pubic hair, sometimes, inexplicably, feces.

I don't know, but if your girlfriend is continuously bitching about the toilet lid? Maybe try cleaning your toilet.

Once again, I am not a doctor, or even actually a girl most of the time, so feel free to ignore everything I just said. You are welcome.

Hippie Beer, Olympic Committees and More Hippie Beer

In a recent conversation that absolutely did not involve the drinking of Three Floyds Permanent fucking Funeral hippie beer, we found ourselves discussing the upcoming winter Olympics and also the next summer Olympics.

Obviously, this is because we are grown ups and we care about shit like that... or because the whole Russia thing offers so many "What the fuck" opportunities. I had assumed that the countries that held the Olympics were chosen by the same people that get to decide whether Pluto is a planet and come up with ridiculous names for storms.

Not so, it seems. Apparently there is some sort of committee that chooses these countries out of whoever bids on them. And so, in my non-professional and grossly uninformed opinion, this illustrates several things.

1. This committee is made up people that hate gay athletes, as in Fuck it, we should send them all to Russia, they probably won't make it back.

2. This committee is also made up of people that hate Russia, as in Let's do it in Sochi so the whole world can laugh at Russia.

3. This committee also hates people that go to watch the Olympics and also the media, as evidenced in the tweets sent by journalists... My favorite one being the "dangerous face water."

4. This committee also hates poor Brazilian people, or they just enjoy watching drug cartels shoot RPGs at the police helicopters that are circling the ghettos.

5. They probably also hate Russian stray dogs. I can't image why.

And so, taking all of these observations into account, one can only assume one of two things. These people are actually, actively trying to get fired. Or, they really hate the Olympics are hoping that a series of violent deaths will eventually cause the entire Olympic thing to be canceled forever.

**Sources** T.Rohe, K.Alsman, M.Wadman and Three Floyds Brewing. And probably others that I don't entirely remember speaking to.

30 January 2014

Idiocy In America... Again

There is a petition on We The People calling for the US to deport pop star Justin Bieber and revoke his green card. It has 188,000 fucking signatures. (As of 9:45am) A seperate petition simply calling for "DEPORT JUSTIN BIEBER!" has over 22,000 signatures.

Obviously, there are a few people that hate the guy.

There are 612 signatures on another petition that calls for the White House to disregard and remove the petition calling for the deportation of Justin Bieber. "Consider Not To Deport Justin Bieber" has 1,602 signatures. And, of course, there are 3,030 signatures on the "Stop Justin Bieber from being deported. He is a human being and he makes mistakes. He does not deserve this."

By my count that means there are 215,244 fucking morons in the US that not only have internet access, they have discovered that they can pretty much make a petition for any damned thing. If they get enough support, the White House will have to address the petition.

In contrast, the 79 petitions that are not about Justin Bieber, or the 548 people that signed the petition calling for a Jonas Brothers reunion(No, no I am not joking) have 2,366,339 signatures. These other petitions call for ridiculous things like awarding the Medal of Freedom to four dead firefighters, 32,619 signatures.

The two petitions calling for the labeling of food products that use GMOs? A combined 154,361. There are other ridiculous petitions regarding things like unemployment insurance, legalizing cannabis... something about sanctions against some fucked up country... And yet?

The only petition that has more signatures that the deport Bieber idiocy is one calling for the US to declare the Muslim Brotherhood a terrorist group.

I don't know a damn thing about the Muslim Brotherhood, but one can only assume, from looking at the White House's We The People website, Americans hate the Muslim Brotherhood more than they hate Bieber... but just barely. In fact, there are only 12,080 more Muslim Brotherhood haters and that's assuming the Bieber people only signed one petition.

Obviously people feel very strongly about some fucked up Canadian kid. It's just a shame they can't seem to express the same passion about, you know, shit that matters.