19 December 2013

Holy Stupid...Everything Concerning This Duck Guy

So there I was... sitting in the VA waiting room for-fucking-ever and reading all of the stupid shit people were posting about this Robertson guy from the Duck Dynasty show. In those three plus hours, I was unable to figure out the actual problem, so I gave up. Here's my interpretation:

This Phil guy said some shit about God and gays and terrorists, from what I can decipher. He didn't say we should burn all the gay people at the stake. He didn't say that they should be treated as less than humans. He said this:

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won't inherit the kingdom of God. Don't deceive yourself. It's not right.
It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical."

Okay, I guess I could see why the GLAAD people were pissy. It was an idiotic statement to make, and it's a pretty fucked up and disgusting point of view, but it's also one that is pretty commonly held.

And then, apparently, the television network guys were all: "Holy shit. That's not good. These GLAAD people are straight pissed. We better take that dude off t.v. for a while... Or forever." Because apparently, putting ignorant hillbillies in the spotlight is only okay if they don't actually say shit that ignorant hillbillies are prone to saying, right? And by ignorant I mean the guy has a fucking Master's degree and built a multimillion dollar dynasty.

AND THEN because people have to have something to protest and bitch about, the boycott memes hit facebook with a vengeance. Apparently, no one will be watching A&E until they bring the ignorant hillbilly back onto the ignorant hillbilly show.

And just in case people started to less pissed off, someone, somewhere decided to publish something about this Robertson guy talking about how happy the black people were that he worked with. I don't know what the fuck that had to do with anything or why people should be more pissed... but there you go.
So, that's the situation.. and here is my response because for some reason I just can't shut the hell up about shit like this:

Mr. Robertson: You are obviously not an ignorant hillbilly. Therefore, whatever you said about terrorists, gay people and happy black people must be exactly what you believe. I'm a bit sad for you, but honestly, what you believe is your own fucking business. When a magazine interviews a person, they are expecting them to give an opinion. If, sir, you were waltzing around wearing a "Kill Gay People" t-shirt and shoving your socially unacceptable, but still widely held beliefs in people's faces, then you would just be an asshole. But as it happened, you gave your opinion when you were asked for it.

A & E: Holy fuck you're stupid. This guy obviously just totally owned the ignorant character you've been paying him to play for how long now? I've seen the show, and never got the impression that any of the people involved were anti-gay, or racist. I did get the vague feeling that the Phil guy is pretty goddamned sexist, but I guess that's okay because there was no huge public outcry from anyone. Did you only want the cute part of hillbilly on your hillbilly show?

GLAAD: I don't know much about you guys, but Jesus, please tell me you weren't really shocked about these statements. Of course, I get your point, but still... why in the name of God do you give a half a flying fuck what this guy says? He's part of a television show about fucking duck calls. Please tell me you don't think his statements are going to start a whole new anti-gay campaign... I mean other than the one his church apparently practices.

Boycotters: Um. Jesus. Freedom of Speech and shit. Because, goddamn 'Merica... First of all, Freedom of Speech is great, but it doesn't exactly apply here. See, the government isn't doing a damn thing to the guy. The network that features him is, because apparently they care about their public image. Boycott away, I'm reasonably sure they aren't really going to notice.


Whoever Brought Up The Jim Crow South: You win. I'm thoroughly baffled as to your point here. Yes, racism is bad.  Yes, that Phil guy may have been thoroughly out of touch with reality... but, just, what? He said the black people he worked with were happy and singing while he worked with them. And the media is ignoring that...? Or they aren't telling stories from 1912...? Or... fuck it, you made my brain hurt trying to figure that shit out.

16 December 2013

Global Warming...?

From sometime in 2011..

A few months ago, the heater’s blower motor in the mini van began to die a slow death. At first, it still blew some hot air and it would mysteriously kick on all of the sudden, and then quit. Slowly the intermittent blowing was replaced by a some-sort-of-dying-animal noise. And then, finally, the heater blew no more…At least in the front of the fan. Hot air was still blowing out of the vents in the back of the van, so if I started the car and let it run for a fairly long time, the heat would make its way up to the front of the car and defrost the windows for me, as well as warm the whole inside of the van. So, that’s how I have been doing it most of the winter, and it has been working just fine, except for today. Apparently this method is ineffective when the temperature dips into the negative double digits.

 Since I have found that every thing that can go wrong, will go wrong…I was hardly surprised when the power steering pump went out in the van as well. Art has assured me that it was not my method of Snow Removal that killed the power steering; on the other hand, my brother says that’s what happens when you use a mini van as a snow plow. I am a big fan of avoiding blame, so I am going to stick with Art on this one.

And finally, there is the fact that I am rarely cold. If I am cold, I am not usually cold for long because I start the car, let it get warm, run from the warm house to the warm car and then into where ever I am going to. The final destination is almost always WARM. So, I see no need for a heavy winter coat, or gloves or a hat and I usually stick with my light leather jacket.
And now that you have the back story….

Last night I went to work the closing shift at the bar.  I was, of course, running late, so I didn't bother to grab a hat or gloves. I threw my coat on and ran to the already warm car and drove to work, my ass half off the seat most of the time because I now need my entire body weight to turn a corner.
It was midnight when I left work and the temperature was -4 degrees. That's actual temperature...not wind chill. I started the car and let it run for over 20 minutes.

I locked the bar and got in to the car only to discover that the heat coming from the back blower will not sufficiently heat the car in subzero temperatures. Usually if it runs for long enough, the windows will even defrost. Not. Today.
There is a clear spot in the icy windshield, right in the middle, so I lean far to the right to see and steer at the same time. (Of course I could have scraped the ice off…but it was –4 freaking degrees outside, remember?) Once I start driving, the temp goes from -4 to -12 on the thermometer in the car. There is no warmth coming from the back of the car, my teeth are chattering, and my nose is frozen.
Since I neglected to bring any gloves with me, I am reduced to putting on a single kid’s glove that I found in the backseat, while sitting on the other hand, my nose pressed against the hand that is on the steering wheel because I am reasonably sure it is about to freeze and fall off. This is quite a picture.

As I am pulling out of the bar I realize that if anyone could see through my frosted windows, they would have to assume that the bartender is hammered, or sleeping, or maybe both.

Now, I probably would have been able to drive the entire way home that way, except I can't leave my ungloved hand tucked under my ass because I am unable to physically turn the stupid steering wheel with only one hand. Actually, I am physically unable to turn without utilizing my entire body weight and hooking my foot under the dash for leverage. I am not kidding. Stupid power steering pump.

When I stop at the stop light before my turn, I reach back and pull Cadence's Disney Princess hat on. It is pink, and glittery, and rather than simply stating “Princess” across the front, there are also pictures of the Disney Princesses. I look like a fucking retard at this point, I am sure. I reason that I am probably not going to get pulled over, though, because no sane cop wants to get out of the warmth of his car, (Which probably has perfect power steering by the way.) to pull over what appears to be a maybe-mentally-retarded-and-possibly-intoxicated-but-what-could-just-be-a-little-kid, driver.

I absolutely do not want to stop at the gas station. But I am out of cigarettes. And I am pretty sure we will need milk, and I know that there is no way in hell I am leaving the house in the morning after this whole fiasco; so I stop. I remembered to take the single glove off my hand before going in, which hardly mattered, because I forgot about the hat.

My teeth are chattering because the damn heater is actually blowing snow instead of hot air, and my nose is running, and I cannot park close to the door because there is no way I can make that tight of a turn, so I park at the pump and run.

"Cold out there huh?" Say the gas station lady. I am too cold to offer any witty retort so I roll my eyes at her instead and go about collecting the crap I need for morning. I briefly wonder if they will let me sleep in the gas station all night so I don't have to go outside.

But of course I don't ask. I run back to the car, drive - well, sort of - home and run into the house. I spend ten minutes sitting in front of the heater before removing my shoes and climbing into bed, jeans, coat, and stupid pink glittery hat still on my head.


I wake up early with the kids, and make a firm resolution to pack my shit and move somewhere south of here, where it is always warm...Just as soon as the power steering pump is fixed.

Yes You Can Hire Us To Remove Your Snow Too

The last few winter storms have dumped a fair amount of snow on our area.
Every time I leave the house, I see people outside in the bitter cold, plowing, snow blowing, and shoveling. They are sprinkling salt on their walkways, and digging their cars out of the piles of snow left behind by the city plows.

Silly, silly, people.

Shoveling is dangerous. People have heart attacks, throw their backs out, get lost and die of hypothermia. So, I avoid shoveling. And, cold? I hate cold.
It probably would be a good idea to shovel the sidewalk. But I am not going to do it. Instead, I send the kids out the door first, so they can trample some of it down for me. Why? Because the kids have snow boots. I do not have snow boots. I have tennis shoes. Plus, they are kids. Kids love snow, so even if they fall in it, they think it is great fun.

The driveway is a whole other matter. I suppose I could send the kids out to trample that snow too, but it would probably be frowned upon. Some people just do not agree with sending the kids out to play in the street. So, instead, I let the car get nice and warm, pile the kids in it and drive over the mound of snow left by the snowplows. Yes, in my minivan. It is not always as easy as it sounds. Sometimes there is a fair amount of rocking back and forth, and sometimes one needs a fairly big running start. After the first few times, though, provided there is no new snowfall, the mound of driven over snow turns into a giant sheet of ice.

Now, and only now, do I sprinkle salt on the ice. The salt melts the ice (mostly) and the rest of the week is a breeze...unless it snows again. In which case, I find myself almost completely screwed. Because the ice is now under the new snow, and salt or no salt, the tires spin and spin and spin. I am not a quitter though, and usually after no longer than twenty to thirty minutes of spinning my tires they burn through the ice to the pavement below and we are mobile once again.

Pulling into the driveway requires several techniques. Usually I back into my
neighbor's (plowed) driveway to get a good running start and I don't let off the gas until I am all the way in. We usually end up a little bit sideways, and sometimes almost completely sideways, but the kids think it is a fantastic game.

Since I have an aversion to cold, and wet, and snow, and mostly cold...this is the closest the children are going to get to sledding with Mommy.

13 December 2013

Proof That Animal Planet Producers Hate You

I've discussed Animal Planet programming before. These seven examples are listed to show you exactly how much Animal Planet producers hate us. And also how sadistic they are.

Let’s say you’re a bartender or a cab driver or drug dealer or something, working the night shift. You come home exhausted and fall into bed. Since you aren’t interested in falling asleep to the lull of Proactive infomercials, you locate the remote and flip to the Animal Planet channel, since they play regular programming 24 hours a day.

You expect to drift off to a peaceful sleep quickly, but of course you have to get up to pee, because that’s just what happens when you finally relax enough to sleep. You figure you’ve got ten minutes, tops, before exhaustion claims your consciousness and you drift into sweet, sweet… Holy Mother of God! What the fuck is that hyena doing with its head up an elephant’s ass?

1.   Eating Giants

The Animal Planet wants to know if you’ve ever wondered what happens to animals after they die in the wild. Instead of telling us some pretty lie about Elephant Heaven they figured they’d show us in stomach turning detail the aftermath of death. Hyenas and insects and maggots and crocodiles feed on the dead elephant for your viewing pleasure. Since sleep is now out of your reach for the night, or maybe for the rest of your life, you don’t change the channel when the dead hippo episode comes on next.

For the love of God. You realize a number of things quite suddenly, really. First of all, you are watching this animal being eaten from the inside. Why in the name of everything sacred did they shove a camera inside of the carcass? How did they nominate the camera shover? Is that legal? 

You also realize that hyenas are probably the most disgusting animals to ever walk the earth. For some reason, they appear to enjoy smelling like dead things, or they simply like to cuddle with their meals before they tear into them. You aren’t even sad as you remember the clip that shows some maggots somehow move from the carcass of the elephant to feed on the anus of a hyena. Karma. You vomit and fall asleep, thankfully before the sleep-deprivation induced psychosis can set in. 

2.   American Stuffers

Having shown you what happens to dead animals in the wild, the Animal Planet offers this sweet reality show about a taxidermist in Arkansas that specializes in pets because you will never, ever want to leave a dead animal to nature.

This little jewel includes episode titles like “Keep Your Dead Animals Out of my Kitchen”, “How to Stuff a Chihuahua” and “The Woman with the Pet Raccoon”.
And this cute little clip, titled “Freeze Dried Pets” because there is no longer a God.

Since that fucking NONO commercial is on every other channel, you just keep watching Animal Planet, because fuck it, the last few shows have already consumed what you had of a soul and you come across…

3.   Monsters Inside Me
You don’t even attempt to contemplate what could have happened to the cute puppy shows as you enter the world of parasites. Every episode features some people that have been infected with one terrifying and disgusting parasite or another. You watch the shows titled, “Suicide Attackers”, “Feeding Frenzy” and “Cold Blooded Killers” to name a few, as the show explains the terrifyingly simple ways the victims acquired various parasites.

To feed your increasing paranoia, you watch cute little clips on the Animal Planet website called “Brittney Coughs up Worms” and “Attack of the Killer Pea” and the ever-popular “Brain Eating Parasite”. You decide you are never going outside again. Ever.

Now that you’ve quit your job and sealed your air vents to prevent air-born parasites from entering your home, the Animal Planet would like to introduce you to…


4.Infested
Well, that’s fun. Now that you are too paranoid to go outdoors and you wear a nose plug in the shower to keep the brain eating amoeba away, the Animal Planet has produced a t.v. show just to make you feel unsafe in the sanctity of your own home. No matter how many times you bleach everything, you can’t prevent an infestation of the various demons disguised as bugs and shit shown on Infested.

You watch as families across America battle all kinds of infestations, from raccoons to black widows, snakes, cockroaches, and bats. At some point during the bedbug episode, you find the strength to crawl out of the corner you’ve been rocking yourself in and fall into bed. Bedbugs are cool, you figure, if the Animal Planet is to be believed, bedbugs are probably the best thing that could ever happen to you.

Thoroughly convinced that you can hear something munching through your brain and that the sound your fridge is making is actually a horde of black widow spiders searching for a way in, sleep eludes you and you can’t help but hear as the Animal Planet decides to fuck with your fragile psyche just a bit more with…

5.   Monsters in my Head

You cower beneath the covers as real people tell stories of being terrorized by demons and bugs and other things that are… well, just not human anyway.

After watching Sleeping with the Devil and also the Monsters of the Night episodes, you decide that sleeping is probably the worst idea ever. You sweep the room for mysterious figures or bugs while shoving amphetamines down your throat in  heart stopping quantities.

Must stay awake.

6.   Freak Encounters

A team of investigators sets out to discover various terrifying creatures. Did that say Mongolian Death Worm? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Who would want to look for that on purpose?

As the amphetamines eat through the fatigue and fear in your brain you realize that this a some kind of practical joke show. One of the unsuspecting investigators is being set up for a staged run in with a mythical creature.

You relax a little bit, tell yourself you never believed in Mongolian Death Worms any, and even laugh a little as the butt of the joke gets bleeped out repeatedly.

And then, as if the Animal Planet producers can somehow sense your waning paranoia, they throw this one at you,

7.   Killer Outbreaks

Since they’ve already shown you how a tiny parasite can kill you, they assumed you wanted to know how they can also kill EVERYONE. And since they figure you may have some trust issues with the network by now, they bring in the CDC to explain how a pandemic is waiting to strike anytime, making it even more horrifyingly real.

The show details real life outbreaks and the implications of new virus strains and as you tuck yourself back into your cozy rocking corner and order a gasmask off your laptop, you get to hear more than you ever wanted to know about Anthrax, SARS and even Salmonella.

Because.. Obviously. The producers have no souls. And they hate you.





10 December 2013

Hoookers and Blow Trivia

I love trivia night. I'd like to say it's because I enjoy the competition, or the challenge...or something else intelligent, but mostly it's because of the comradery, the shit-talking that occurs between teams and, of course, the liquor. And also because I occasionally get to experience the wonder that is Nate's father. Really, that dude is fucking awesome.

Anyway, now that "Trivia night" has replaced the traditional "shit-faced Mondays," we are able to over-indulge significantly in the name of intelligent competition. Sort of.

I'm blessed with a bunch of wicked fucking smart friends, so I don't really have to participate all that often. Unless the subject is psychology, sign language or "animal planet after 3am," I'm pretty much useless at trivia.

However, what I lack in trivia contribution, I am able to make up in debit card expense. Because some glorious trivia game maker decided that for every shot a person does, they receive a point... and at the end of the game, the team with the most shot points gets an extra ten points.

As you can imagine, this has given a whole new meaning to the term "shit-faced Mondays." In fact, before my weekly outing, my husband runs to the store, purchases cigarettes, Gatorade and Excedrin and he doesn't even laugh when I say I'll be home right after the game.

Last night, our team got 67 shot points. Yes, that's sixty-seven fucking shots. I'm pleased to say I didn't participate in most of them. Because, as much as I enjoy drinking games, I do not participate in games that involve Apple Pie shots. In case you haven't heard of Apple Pie, it is apple cider flavored awesomeness, spiked with Satan's urine, probably. The last time I tried to drink it, ahem, a full glass of it, I was drunk until late the next afternoon. No bullshit.

This is a pretty unfocused, rambling blog, but what I'm attempting to say is that if you currently lack a reason for your own shit-faced Mondays, you should maybe consider coming to ours. Because not only will we make you feel like a social drinker by comparison, but also because it's a Hell of a good time. We play at Brando's, in downtown Porter, IN starting at 8pm.

Dan(the trivia guy, who is awesome, by the way) has a Facebook page, StarBill Trivia that you can go "like" right now. I do not know why it is StarBill Trivia, as his name is neither Bill nor Star...but in any case, it's always a good time. In fact, the guy is so awesome that he created the round pictured below because any answer I don't know I answer with "hookers and blow" because my daddy said that hookers and blow were the answer to anything in life. I have yet to receive even a half a point for the answer... but I guess that's beside the point.


29 November 2013

Gun Control For Everyone: Mental Health Reforms

Unless you're a special kind of asshole, we can all agree that mentally unstable people should not be able to buy a firearm. We’ve heard it a million times… “That guy (meaning the piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to be named or remembered here or anywhere else) should never have been able to get his hands on a gun and take it into an elementary school. He should have been in an institution somewhere. Why the Hell would his mom have guns in the house if she knew he was fucked up?” These are all great yet deceptively simple points.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume that no mother, gun owner or not, wants to believe, or even entertain the idea that her son will become a baby-murdering fuck stick. It’s easy in hindsight to say she shouldn’t have had guns in the home, but what the Hell do we know, really, about their lives before the shooting?

Every time a mass shooting occurs, the general public cries out for gun control reform. They want to know why we don't restrict access to firearms to people with mental illnesses. The truth is, we already have a law restricting gun sales to people that have been adjudicated mentally defective. These aren’t people that lost their shit and spent a few weeks in an acute ward while their Prozac was adjusted. 

These are people that have been judged incompetent to handle their own affairs through the courts, or as is increasingly more common, the Veteran’s Administration. Every state has different criteria for having an adult committed against their will, but the common theme seems to be the person has to be considered dangerous to themselves or others. Most states include the language “imminent danger”. So, basically, if you’re already standing in a room full of people brandishing a weapon, you’re considered a danger and can be committed.


The problem lies in the fact that we can’t just go revoking the civil rights of people based on a belief that they could possibly become dangerous, someday. Most people suffering from mental illnesses do not become dangerous to other people, at least not on the scale we’re discussing here.

So while everyone calls for reform concerning mental health care, few people seem to realize the extent of the complications associated with imposing further mental health regulations concerning firearms. First of all, any sort of expansion relies on states providing the federal government with accurate and current information and we all know how good states are with that...

And then of course, where do we draw the line when deciding that people with mental illnesses are going to become dangerous? Do we put everyone that has been treated for certain illnesses on a list somewhere? And if so, where would we draw the line? Should we put anyone with severe mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia or psychosis on a list? Who decides what is severe, and when would it stop? 

Would the list expand to include any diagnosis, such as depression, anxiety or even ADD? And, of course, we have to consider the amount of people that would not get the help they need for fear of being placed on some federal list somewhere.

So, essentially, while we can all agree that people with severe mental illnesses should not be able to easily access weapons, there is simply no way to ensure they won't without severely violating the civil rights of a huge percentage of American public. 


27 November 2013

Gun Control: Why Any Type of Federal Registration Law Would Be Impossible to Enforce

I probably should have posted this gun control blog first, as nearly every other gun control proposition depends, at some level, on a federal firearms registry. Once again, I offer absolutely no solutions, only commentary and an explanation of why current proposals would do nothing but make people feel like they were doing something.  

What law-abiding citizen wouldn’t want to register their guns? Well, a shit ton, as it turns out. If they don’t register, then we’ll just track them down and force them to comply, or take their guns, or bomb their houses or something, right?

Again, for the sake of argument, let’s pretend we did pass a federal registration law.

Let’s say you have to register all of your guns with the local PD or the gun registering people, or someone anyway by the end of the week. Unless, of course, you don’t want to, then don’t bother. There’s simply no way the unregistered guns could be tracked down. We’d have to trace every single gun through the ATF’s National Tracing Center, as it’s the only agency that traces firearms. If you’re unfamiliar with the process, here’s an example:

Officer Bob discovers a Beretta handgun, model 92, stamped with the serial number xxx666 at a murder scene in Florida. He forwards this information to the NTC and stamps it urgent, meaning the gun was directly involved in a crime. Sandy gets the request for the trace and contacts the manufacturer of the gun. 

Beretta says that serial number was sold to Acusport, a distributer in the Midwest. Sandy contacts Acusport and they tell her they sold the gun to a gun shop in Indiana. Sandy faxes a request form to the gun store. 

Some poor bastard at the gun store runs the serial number and then locates the original ATF form 4473 among the 20 years worth of forms the store is required to keep. He faxes the original buyer’s information back to the NTC and probably cries in the corner for a little while, wondering why the fuck he never finished college.

Officer Bob is stoked to receive the news that Joe Blow purchased the Beretta in 1998. He’s got the bad guy. Except he soon learns that Joe sold the gun to his Uncle Blow back in 2003. Uncle Blow has since moved to Texas and traded the gun to his meth dealer, who gave it to his father for Father’s Day in 2008. 

Meth Guy’s dad then ran away with a stripper from Vegas and his pissed off wife sold the gun to a guy at a yard sale for $40...Because fuck Meth Guy’s dad anyway. She thinks the buyer’s name was Billy, or Joey, or possibly Who the Fuck Cares. No, she didn’t get a receipt. In most states, it's perfectly legal to transfer a firearm this way, unless you're knowingly selling it to a drunk 12 year old or a felon. 

Well, fuck.

Officer Bob promptly begins a weeklong drinking binge and contemplates the reason for his existence.

Now you have to realize that we’d have to do that for every single gun sold or owned in the history of forever. Even if we don’t factor in guns that were brought home from wars, antique guns or the fact that quality record keeping in the firearms industry is a fairly recent requirement, and also assuming that the NTC will have the time, funding and manpower to trace anything other than the more than 344,000 gun they traced in FY2012, tracing every gun in America to the current owners is impossible. 

Gun Control For Everyone: Assault Weapons and Common Sense

In this country, there is an overwhelming willingness to accept certain overly simplistic views and ideas based on media and claims of certain special interest groups. For example, some gun control propents would have you believe that the republican party won't allow gun control reform. While some other groups would have you believe that the government is coming to take away your guns.

Neither of those things are true. As the gun control debate is continually reignited, an assault weapon ban is continuously brought up. It seems simple to various people, "Let's just ban those scary looking Army guns..." Of course it isn't that simple:

Let's Ban Assault Weapons and Hi-Cap Mags
Shit.
Wait.
Didn’t we try that already?
If you read through section 110101 of the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994, which I can’t recommend on the possibility it actually causes cancer, you’ll find a clusterfuck of regulations banning certain guns on the basis that they looked scary, or something like that, as well as magazines that held over ten rounds. Please note the ban did not extend to weapons and magazines that were sold before the ban, because, as I've discussed before, tracing the guns already on the market would be impossible. 

A number of rifles were banned by name. A few banned by name included Colt’s AR-15, Beretta’s AR70 and Norinco’s… everything, because obviously the government hates Norinco. Additionally, it became a crime to own, transfer(unless the gun existed before the ban of course) or manufacture a rifle that had a detachable magazine and any two of the following items, a folding stock, a pistol grip, flash suppressor, bayonet mount, and a grenade launcher.

If the authors of the bill could even pick a rifle out of a series of flashcards featuring tanks, kittens, rainbows and catapults, they certainly had no idea which parts of a gun actually make the gun go pew-pew. Allowing for the fact that grenades are notoriously difficult to come by on the civilian market, every one of those items were purely cosmetic, in that they didn’t affect the actual mechanics of a rifle. 

Presumably they paid an NRA member to write a bunch of gun part names on scraps of paper and pulled them randomly out of someone’s ass and wondered why the NRA guy was giggling uncontrollably in the corner. Writing NRA Guy off an obvious nut job, they called it good and sent the bill on for a vote, patted themselves on the back and sat back to watch the gun violence rates fall.

The Act was set to expire in ten years and in 2004 it expired. This can only be explained by the fact no one cared about the safety of the American public anymore, or possibly someone asked the NRA guy why he was still laughing. 

It’s also possible that someone actually read the thing and said, “Hey guys?
What the fuck are we trying to do here again? Do you have to have the bayonet attached to the bayonet mount…or? Why are we allowed to have grenade launchers again?”

Then some other guy piped in with, “You know, you can still buy these things, right? Right on gunbroker.com, perfectly legal, if abhorrently expensive. And… uh… for $50 you can buy a 30 round magazine for most guns. You guys knew that, right?”


Since everyone was probably already hammered, we can only assume someone said, “Fuck this shit, it’s time for the hookers and blow,” and gave up trying to renew or even understand the thing. 

And so, while it may seem perfectly logical to people that really have no knowledge of firearms, the truth is, there really is no such thing as an assault rifle, no matter how scary they look. 

Tomorrow we'll take a look at the impossibility of regulating the sale of guns to people labeled "Bat-shit Crazy."

25 November 2013

Healthcare. Shit. I Was Never Gonna Go Here...

A friend posted this link on Facebook, and for some reason I feel an overwhelming need to respond to Dear Liberal, Here’s Why I'm so Hostile. Which, by the way was a fantastic read, whether you're liberal or not. 

First of all, I can’t say I’m a liberal, or that anyone I know even fits into that actual label.

The author asks if I believe that healthcare is a basic human right. I do not, obviously, any more so than driving a car is a basic human right. Essentially no one really has a basic right to anything at all. However, this is mother-fucking America, and there is no reason that every American should not be entitled to quality, affordable healthcare.

I understand the outrage surrounding the fine that the federal government will impose if people choose not to provide health coverage for themselves. Everyone is all pissy because the government shouldn’t be allowed to force one to buy anything.  I get that, and I even agree.

However, the astronomical costs of healthcare in this country are inexcusable. As health insurance companies continue to make millions and millions in profit, the cost of health care continues to become even more ridiculous. Last year, 41 BILLION dollars in health care costs went unpaid. Not because America is full of lazy, debt dodgers, but because… Just how in the fuck are people supposed to actually pay those costs when they don’t have insurance?

Additionally, have you even been refused a certain test or had to go through multiple tests before a doctor is able to order the one you needed in the first place? You know, when the receptionist looks down at her notes and says, “Oh yeah, your insurance won’t cover an MRI unless we do a CAT scan first…” Health insurance companies do not help pay for health care: they own healthcare in America.

Can you imagine watching your loved one die at home when you know damn well that the one drug the insurance won’t cover could save them? Have you ever watched someone who was in agonizing pain for months because she wasn’t insured, and no doctor would touch her for a simple gallbladder surgery? Since the surgeon wouldn’t help her, they hospitalized her three or four times for a few days to give her antibiotics and pain management. I can’t help but be thoroughly baffled by the logic behind that. How many of us can say, honestly, that if we were uninsured and needed a procedure or surgery, we’d be able to write a check on the spot?

The ACA is about more than providing subsidized insurance to the people that the American taxpayers have been subsidizing anyway for years. It’s about regulating a disgustingly corrupted system to bring health care costs under control and ensure that in America, no one has to go without it. Once again, not because it's a god-given right, but because, aren't we supposed to be the greatest nation in the world? 

Do I agree with the government requiring people to buy insurance? Fuck no. In fact, I’m reasonably sure it’s going to be a disaster for a while. At least it’s something though. Quite obviously, health insurance companies are not going to regulate themselves. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, and perhaps liberal, they’ve created a kind of monopoly in the healthcare industry.

Why the fine for the uninsured? Generally, the uninsured are the problem. The fine just helps make up a fraction of the taxpayer money they cost each year. Is government regulation the right answer? Of course not, but what other answer is there?


On an entirely unrelated note: I carry a Glock and have a lifetime carry permit, so I’m pretty sure I can’t actually be a liberal. 

24 November 2013

Walmart, Poverty, and the Square Root of Pie in America

Yes, Walmart is probably owned and operated by Satan. And if not evil, certainly they are morally wrong for not paying their employees a livable wage. If claims that up to 80 percent of their employees receive food stamps are true, that means that over 1.1 million of them are on government assistance. (Which, for some reason, draws a Hell of a lot more outrage than the fact that approximately 900 fucking thousand veterans and military families rely on the same assistance.) On an unrelated note, if I hear one more “I work so welfare recipients don’t have to” statement, I’m going to fucking murder someone.

Lately there have been calls to raise the federal minimum wage. One government suggestion to raise minimum wage to $10 per hour over the next three years is fucking laughable at best and demonstrates how utterly out of touch the entire government is with the reality of life in America, regardless of political parties. I’m certainly no economic expert over here, but there are just a few deeper considerations regarding poverty:

Poverty Thresholds Don’t Mean A Damn Thing
First of all, the current minimum wage of $7.25 allows a full time worker to earn several hundred dollars over the official annual poverty guidelines of $11,139. That would be sufficient if the official poverty guidelines meant a goddamn thing.

For example, Harlingen, Texas offers a cost of living 18 percent below the national average. However, a single worker would still need to earn at least $16,171 to cover basic necessities each year. That’s over $5,000 above the official poverty threshold. Just let me emphasize here that that is the cheapest cost of living in the nation, based on consumer price index reports.

Currently the official poverty thresholds are determined, presumably, using an outdated form of 1960’s witchcraft, based loosely on the idea that the average consumer spends one-third of his income on food. So the cost of food, multiplied by unicorn, added to the cost of coffee divided by the square root of pie is somehow manipulated to illustrate poverty level earnings. 

Since the original determination, the thresholds have been adjusted annually based on data from the consumer price index reports. The minimum wage is then determined by a completely unrelated formula. Meaning that someone says, “Hey, let’s raise the minimum wage to $X.”

That’s not to say the government is entirely unaware of the issue. A study released in September 2012 reveals a more accurate idea of the actual poverty threshold. For example, the official threshold of $23,283 for a family of four, when adjusted to include all costs of living, such as rent, mortgage, personal care, etc. was raised to $25,789 for homeowners with a mortgage and $25,101 for renters. 

Keep in mind that an entire one-fourth of this nation’s households have an income of $25,411 or below.

 Walmart Will Continue to Make Record Profits
Of course there is also the issue concerning the national average. Even using the supplemental, experimental poverty thresholds above, there aren’t a Hell of a lot of places a family of four can actually live based on that income.

I’ve heard the argument that minimum wage was never meant to be a livable wage. In theory it was a starting point for entry level jobs that people would advance from. Of course, that was back when this country actually manufactured and produced shit. So, I’d have to say that argument is moot.

And of course, that’s why Walmart and similar corporations are going to continue to win, because for as much as we may be outraged and protest, we certainly aren’t going to boycott. With an entire fucking quarter of the nation’s households making $25,411 or less, the sad truth is that a whole bunch of Americans can’t afford to boycott Walmart. 

Ironically, the exploitation of the working poor is part of the reason Walmart is able to offer its famous low prices that the working poor need to live and feed their families. Protests and boycotts are fine and well, but moral support for any cause tends to wane when there are hungry children involved. 

22 November 2013

Media, Education Failure, Bullying and a Sleep Deprived Krissy

Disclaimer: Grandma? There's probably going to be a whole lot of F-bombs. Also, authorities, parents and family members are encouraged to ignore most of the confessions below.

The media again. Or still. Or, perhaps I didn't get enough sleep and I tend to get irritable and maybe I become slightly furious about random shit while I lie in bed trying to turn my brain off... In any case, here are the random rants running around in Krissy's brain today:

What The Fuck Have We Done to Our Kids?
I suppose nearly everyone has an idyllic reminiscence of their own formative years, and probably each generation is equally baffled by each subsequent generation. I'm no exception, obviously, because as my 12-year-old public middle school student continues to tell me on a daily basis about kids she knows that cut themselves, do drugs and get into fights, I can’t help but think kids are more fucked up now than they were when I was that age.

Last year, tragically, an 11 year old boy from her grade level committed suicide. An eleven year old boy. Jesus. There are seemingly endless media reports about bullied kids and teen suicide. What the fuck are we doing so wrong with these kids?

There is quite obviously some collapse in society. Maybe it's us, the Y Generation and our over-indulgent, self-absorbed, inconsistent and detached parenting styles? Maybe it’s the War on Christmas, whatever the fuck that is. Maybe it has something to do gay marriage or the breakdown of the traditional family unit. It could possibly be this eruption of bullying seen in recent... Or not. 

Nothing Yet, But We're Working On It
While most of us choose to see our late childhood years through some sort of rose-colored pane of bullshit, the truth is not much has changed about kids.

Kids can all be assholes, and even the most intelligent ones have the propensity to do really, really stupid shit. I did, tons of it. We smoked pot, we skipped classes. We snuck and drank our parent's booze. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 11, which I also stole from my parents. 

For fuck's sake, we shot at stop signs on back roads from moving cars - unless of course, there is some absurdly long statute of limitations for that particular crime, in which case, we certainly did not. We stole, er, borrowed our parents cars for joyrides, snuck out of windows and even hitchhiked a few times. Just because we could.

I've literally lost count of the kids that died from accidental heroin overdoses during high school and the years after. We made fun of other kids, they made fun of us. Some kids were bullied, some were bullies. Why did we do all these incredibly stupid and illegal things? Because we were kids, and kids are fairly impulsive and idiotic. It was not because our parents didn’t pay enough attention, we were simply assholes.

Media Designed To Sell, Not Inform
I don’t mean to imply that bullying and the apparent collapse of society as we know it are non-issues, but fuck. While the media releases these alarming reports igniting panic about bullying, what the fuck are they not reporting?

Why not mention our decaying public school system? The No Child Left Behind Act and the standardized testing which promises to do exactly that? The fact that the teachers we trust to shape our children’s minds are significantly underpaid and overworked in comparison to other industrialized nations? The fact that out of 31 countries, we were among the only four that cut public education funding during the 2008-2010 financial crisis? Or maybe an article or two about how we spend more money per child for education that any other country and our teachers still have to buy their own supplies for use in their classrooms? 

I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing it’s because the issues outlined above don’t promise the sensationalism and public outrage associated with bullying. Truly, I don’t mean to downplay the effects of bullying, and to be perfectly honest, I fell for the shit. 

I hate the media and I still found myself thinking more about the bullying issue than any other educational issue. Perhaps a few articles outlining the falling rank of the American education system among other developed nations could be used for filler or something.

Essentially I suppose this entire post could have been summed up fairly simply: Kids are the same as they’ve always been. We haven’t fucked them up, but we’re working on it. As the frenzy surrounding bullying  is reignited over and over while other serious issues are rarely given mention, we can be assured our children will never have the capacity to compete on a global scale. But on the upside, they’ll know how to be nice to each other. They probably won’t be, because, once again, kids can be assholes, but at least they’ll know how.

Tomorrow, we'll discuss Walmart. Unless, of course, I don't get a nap today, in which case I'll post that one later today.






04 October 2013

Government Shuts Down Stupid Shit Just to Confuse Krissy, Probably

First of all, I’d like to say, I don’t care how you feel about the ACA, or which political party you support.  I’ve heard any and every single argument for and against the Obamacare, from the valid to the ridiculous. This entry isn’t about the actual ACA. I’m no expert on the way the government works, really… So it is possible that my utter bewilderment on a few matters could be due to simple ignorance. Even so, here’s my version of an expert opinion on this government shutdown and its various ramifications.

1.   The United States is currently governed by really large eight-year olds who skipped their ADD meds, probably.
I feel comfortable offering this as an expert opinion because I have an eight-year old. I’m not certain, but I’m guessing she has ADD, because the kid can only focus on a single thing at a time. Also she has the most irritating habit of asking for shit, over and over and over again.

Even when she knows there is no way in Hell I’m going to let her drive the car, she will elevate an argument to the point where I almost consider it. Instead of dropping the argument for a later time when she could possibly win it and focusing on something she could win now, she keeps going until Mommy and Daddy start binge-drinking.

This is the same thing, essentially, as what is happening in our government right now.
Can we repeal Obamacare now?
How about now?
Now?
C’mon mom, what about now?
GODDAMMN IT IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME…
Okay. Well. How about now then?
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHERE IS THE TEQUILA?
We are going to continue to vote on repealing the ACA, even though we KNOW absolutely, that there is no way the vote will ever have enough support to pass the Senate and there’s no way in Hell we could get it passed a veto.
Because… We’re making a point damn it! We could probably save one of these 42 votes for a later date and move on to other issues.
But nope, because fuck you, we get paid whether we do a damn thing or not.

2.   Aforementioned eight-year olds are spiteful little bastards whose parents never beat them.
The partial shutdown of the government can be illustrated, once again, using my daughter as an example. Well, sort of anyway. Except this time, picture me as another eight-year old.
Realizing that there is no way she’s going to get to drive the car, my eight-year old hides my wallet, because if she can’t get drive the car, no one is going to drive the car.
Go ahead Mom, drive until the gas runs out. Good luck getting more. He he he. You can have it back when I get to drive, and if you won’t ever let me drive? I will burn this mother-fucker down.
Fine. Keep the wallet. I don’t care. You are not driving.
Oh. Um. Wait. I’ll give you a little bit of money. For, like food and stuff.
Sounds good. You’re still not driving.
Oh. Shit. Well, we should probably feed the baby too, right?
Oh, no you don’t. I’m so tired of this bullshit. If you’re not going to agree to drop this whole thing, then I’m not agreeing to a single thing.
**Hungry baby is heard crying in the background

Of course that's a fairly simplicated example of the whole picture… but you get my drift as applied to the government, right?

3.   All of the bratty, ADD eight-years are girls.
So now that my kid has my wallet and I won’t let her drive and the baby is hungry, we should absolutely take the time to…Let the whole neighborhood in on this shit, because girls really like attention. They also want to make sure that everyone knows that nothing about the current situation is their fault.

When my eight-year old gets mad at me, she calls my mom and tattles. She doesn’t tell her why I took away her iPod; just that I did. She doesn’t mention that I told her five million times, at least, not to go into anyone’s house without telling me first. Nope, she just tattles and then sits back and waits for the wrath of Grammie to rain down.

I’m not even entirely talking relating Grammie to the media right now. I’ve been doing a lot of freelance writing in the last few weeks. Ad copy really, but I still have to look certain things up. I get the concept of non-essential departments being shut down to preserve the monies available until this whole budget thing is resolved.

I was utterly baffled however, when I was unable to access government websites for information. I’m assuming that redirecting the closed departments of the government to the Department of the Interior saves tons of funds since they are updated continuously on an hourly basis maybe. Or maybe they are saving the webhosting fees?

 I don’t know where the money comes from to provide government websites and hosting and shit, but I’m assuming they don’t pay the fees on a daily basis. Even if they did, they’d still have to being paying the fees for the website to display its current notice: 




Otherwise known as, “We don’t know what the fuck this has to do with the budget shut down thingy, but we figured we’d put it up here, just in case someone hasn’t heard how mean my mommy is.” Or something to that affect.


28 September 2013

Poll Results Offer No Insight As to Why Anyone Cares If Gays Marry

This article in the Times of Northwest Indiana details the results of a recent poll. The poll was taken because something about a vote or... I can't really say because I didn't read the whole thing. Presumably it was taken because someone thought we should care what people we don't know think about issues that don't affect them.
Apparently, according to this article the majority of Hoosiers polled supported legal gay marriage or civil unions.
I'd like to propose a study in place of the next gay marriage poll. There must be an expert out there that can tell us just why the Hell Americans give a shit about gay marriage.
I'm going to discount religious nuts for obvious reasons. And because they're religious nuts.
Surely some expert can explain why some Americans are so vehemently opposed to the concept. I mean, if you think being gay is gross, don't be gay.
You don't like gay people? So what? Allowing gays to marry isn't going to force you to start adding gay people to your Facebook friends list.
Don't want to explain gay marriage to your kids? Don't bother. They'll learn somehow. Gay people,married or not are always going to be part of society.
Preserving the sacred rite of marriage? Shit. Google divorce rates, or even the history of marriage. Sacred my ass.
Furthermore, I'd be anxious to see why, if people can be so passionately opposed to an issue that doesn't directly affect them, why gay marriage? Why not child abuse, or human trafficking, or baby killing.
Where is the outrage on issues like child molestation? Shouldn't people get worked up and demand something be done to stop that before demanding gay marriage be forbidden?
I'd be interested to see an expert opinion on whether people actually care as much as they think, or if they care because the media keeps publishing these stupid polls to tell them they should.
Barring a study,  I'd like to suggest taking and publishing polls about  public approval on issues that actually hurt people.
Innocent people. Children.
Perhaps if the media shoves that sort of issue in people's faces over and over and over,  the American public will find something that actually  matters to be so violently opposed to. 

18 September 2013

In the Wake of the Naval Yard Shooting Public Demands Asinine Gun Control Measures, Krissy Plugs Ears and Sings Nursery Rhymes Really Loud In Futile Effort to Block Ignorance

None of this it true either.

In the wake of the Naval Yard shooting and subsequent revelations about the gunman, this writer once again did not interview any of the following imaginary people.

Because the failure to understand laws and regulations as well as the ignorance displayed during gun control debates never fails to surprise me, and also because I am a glutton for punishment and mental anguish, I asked imaginary people what their thoughts were on the recent Naval Yard shootings.

Non-person One: Well didn't he have PTSD? How could he buy a gun anyway?

Non-person Two: I heard he called the cops and told them he was hearing voices. They should have done something. Taken the paddy wagon straight over there, with Thorazine darts and probably beanbag rounds, just for kicks. They should have locked him up in a hospital somewhere, then this wouldn't have happened.

Non-person Three: Who got shot this time?

All three seemed incapable of grasping the fact that states have pretty specific criteria when they commit someone against their will, mostly involving being a danger to themselves or others. In many states, this criteria includes the language "imminent danger". Although Non-person Two did state that based on every serial killer movie he'd ever seen, hearing voices is always a definitive indication of imminent murder sprees.

Non-person One suggested that we restrict the sale of guns to people that were being treated for a mental disorder, most specifically, veterans with PTSD. Claiming that little to no understanding of the disorder made it okay.

After I informed Non-person One that countless veterans suffer from PTSD their entire lives without ever seeking treatment, he suggested we ban the sale of guns to all veterans.

He further claimed that restricting the civil rights of the men and women that signed up to defend them would be perfectly acceptable to a fearful and panicked nation.

Non-person Three inexplicably suggested that I look into Ireland's gun laws and murder rates. He also mentioned something about Monsanto before lighting another joint and wandering away.

Non-person Two suggested that all arrests, whether convicted or not, should disqualify a person from owning a gun. Barring that, he suggested we just confiscate all the guns in the nation, because no one could die if there weren't any guns.

When I asked the remaining subjects whether they had any less idiotic suggestions regarding gun control, they once again called me a racist and threw bottles at me.

As I left the scene, they were busy writing up some legislation about simply euthanizing any person being treated for any sort of mental illness before they could snap and kill everyone.

15 September 2013

Zimmerman Jailed Again, Entire Nation Calls for Stand Your Ground Repeal, Krissy has Forehead Bruise From Repeated Facepalm

None of this really happened.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity because he's an imaginary person, Florida Police Officer Jim confirmed reports that George Zimmerman has once again been arrested.

While he declined to comment on what landed Zimmerman in jail again, he did offer the following, "Well."

Officer Jim shrugged. "He you know. He's been pulled over twice now. And then that thing with his wife. Plus, you know he shot that kid... and." The officer appeared to be gathering his thoughts. "Well then, you know, he saved those people in that accident, or something like that. And then. Well, pretty much everyone just thinks he's an asshole."

He expects Zimmerman to be released within the hour. No charges have been filed.

Spokesman for CNN denied to give an explanation as to why the fuck Zimmerman's run ins with traffic cops were considered national news, probably because I didn't really ask them.

When I questioned no one on the street they had this to say:

Non-person number one: We have to get rid of that Stand Your Ground law, that's how that guy got away with murder.

Non-person number two: Well, he broke that iPod because he didn't want his estranged wife to have evidence of him threatening her.

Non-person number three: Who the fuck is George Zimmerman?

When questioned as to how, exactly, Stand Your Ground let Zimmerman get away with murder they claimed that it has raised the justifiable homicide rate in Florida since it was enacted. They offered nothing when I asked them if maybe that was the entire point.

They refused to consider any case but Zimmerman's, offering only that if a woman shot her ex-husband in the street outside her work because he was maybe trying to kill her and violating a restraining order, well, fuck her anyway.

As for the iPod, no one seemed to care about the fact that Zimmerman broke the iPod after having been hit with it. Non-person One claimed that violence was never an option, so I'm assuming that he was never in a long term relationship that ended badly, not to mention publicly.

When I offered that yes, Zimmerman was an asshole, and yes, he should have listened to officers and that no, he shouldn't have followed some kid he didn't know, and yeah, he probably deserved to have his ass kicked, and agreed that it is a tragedy that a young man died, they all nodded emphatically.

When I suggested that none of that really mattered in the self-defence case, they began steaming from the ears.

Except for Non-person Three as he was busy trying to down an entire fifth of Jack in one swallow.

When I reminded them that Stand Your Ground never came up in Zimmerman's defense, their eyes all glazed over, even Non-person Three.

When I further reminded them that Zimmerman had been acquitted of murder by a jury of his peers, because the way our justice system works is that you are innocent until proven guilty. Or it's supposed to anyway... And that obviously the jurors found that Zimmerman was in fear for his life, or couldn't, beyond a reasonable doubt, say that he wasn't in fear for his life, they threw bottles at me and called me a racist.

Non-person One and Two were working on legislation aimed at making being an arrogant prick a capital offense when I left the scene.

11 September 2013

Well, I May Lose Friends Or Have My House Blown Up... But

**Disclaimer**
I shouldn't have to say that this is satire, but I will, just in case. This is in no way directed toward the bikers or the Muslims. It's mainly directed towards a handful people that seem to have gone absolutely retarded.

I despise politics. 
I also despise ignorance.
I've been pissed off at my Facebook feed for a few days now.
People are angry.
How dare they, whoever the Hell "they" are, deny a permit for the 2 Million Bikers to D.C? 
Those anti-American bastards.
There are Muslims there for the love of God and America and apple pie and McDonalds and everything else we hold sacred to our way of life... Muslims.

These Muslims are obviously spitting in the face of Americans everywhere by organizing a Million Muslims against Fear and something about drones... I don't even know, but if you're interested, feel free to visit their website. I read through a bit, and it seemed quite obvious to me that as an affront to America these American Muslim Political Something-or-another people planned on marching into D.C. wearing Support Your Local Al Queda t-shirts and shit, carrying signs that say "kill whitey" or "something offensive about America here" while burning flags and singing... Whatever the Hell it is that Muslims sing.

Of course they were granted a permit to peacefully assemble. This obviously has something to do with Obama bending over backwards to accommodate his own Muslim brothers and sisters. One can only assume that since he is responsible for overseeing these permits on his own, he is also a member of the KKK and and also Westborough Baptist Church... because otherwise, how could these groups secure permits for any sort of gathering that would be considered offensive to other people?

And then... Those bastards, whoever they are, refused to grant a similar permit to the 2 million bikers. And by similar permit, what I mean is a no-stop permit. That's no-stop. Through traffic. On a weekday. In Washington fucking DC. 
There's no way "they" couldn't procure the necessary resources that would be needed to block traffic in a city of that size for a ride of that size if they really wanted to. I mean, shit. I don't know the population of DC, or how many commuters drive there on weekdays, or how many visitors one should expect on  a day like September 11th.. I could probably find out, but I'm mostly lazy. In any case, the mysterious "they" were obviously trying to shut the bikers down.

Based on the outrage, "they" obviously told the bikers they weren't allowed to gather in DC at all, right? 

This country, I tell you, going straight to Hell, issuing permits to people, even though they're Muslims. Just letting them assemble peacefully, offending people that are American citizens for fuck's sake. 
Straight to Hell.

14 July 2013

The Corruption of Kensey

Kensey used to be a normal, upstanding citizen... He went to work, paid his taxes, drank a few beers and spent time on his newest hobby, photography. He has quickly become one of my very favorite people, the poor bastard. (You can view and like his Facebook page here if you're so inclined.. Juke Joint Photos.) 

Since meeting Kensey, I'm afraid I've corrupted him irreversibly. Not that I have worked alone in this, The Asshole Club, which is exactly what it sounds like, has certainly had a hand in it as well. I should mention that the man is well over the age when he should have been corrupted.

First, I got the man kicked out of a bar for the very first time. Not because he was doing anything wrong... simply because he was there with me. I have that effect on some people.

I've taken him to dive bars and informed him that he must never, ever wash his hands while in a certain bar's bathroom. To be honest, the cleanest thing a person can touch in that place in one's own genitals. 

At some point he decided to grow a ponytail and spent weeks trying to convince me to go to a different dive bar with him. A particularly dive-y dive bar that I wouldn't even go to. He may or may not have mentioned his desire to be involved in a bar fight as well. 

We drink a lot of beer together. We've day drank, closed the bars and watched the sun come up while drinking in his kitchen. 

I have to mention that his grown daughter deserves a medal or something, because there is now way the group of us can possibly be quiet when we all gather in his kitchen for booze and a breakfast consisting of popcorn.  Finding anywhere from one to three people passed out in various places doesn't seem to faze her in the least. She has yet to emerge from her room with a shotgun loaded with rock salt, so she must be some sort of saint.

In any case, Kensey has finally removed the ponytail. Thank God, because I truly was afraid he was going to organize an Asshole Club day trip to that one dive-y dive bar and get us all killed.

You'd think that would solve the Bad Boy image...but it has not. Somehow, he talked me into going golfing. As part of that agreement, he agreed to go on a motorcycle run with me. He rode with a friend of mine, since my bike is all tiny and shit. It went fairly well until they laid the bike down in the highway.

I'm making light of it, but it was a pretty horrible wreck. The driver was seriously injured, but is recovering quite well now. Kensey ended up wrapped like a mummy for weeks. Of course we made fun of him every chance we got. We're assholes.

Since he's been off work for some time now... he's had more time to perfect his inner bad boy. He was positively giddy when he informed me that the person he'd been hanging out with had an active warrant for their arrest. 

Positively giddy.

He has also informed me, just the other day, that if the police were looking for me, I was welcome to hide out at his house, or in his tree. If, however, I had found myself on "lam", he offered me the use of his car. I'm only half sure he was kidding. Fortunately, I am not on the lam.

In short... Since I've met Kensey, he's gotten thrown out of bars, hung out with fugitives, not washed his hands after peeing, and been in a motorcycle wreck. He's had a dozen people in his kitchen, drinking until the sun came up. He's had several random women pass out in his living room. He doesn't appear to mind our influence though. 

He seems to be having a blast, and to be honest? 

I think I want to be Kensey when I grow up.