06 February 2014

Cracked.com Rewrite: 7 Female Behaviors That Baffle Men: Explained by Krissy

I came across this article on Cracked.com, 7 Female Behaviors That Baffle Men(Explained!) Now, admittedly, the author is probably right about most of them, I'm not a doctor so I can't say for sure...but. I can think of a few more realistic explanations for female behaviors.

1. Going to the bathroom in groups.
The author says something about all the girls going pee at the same time because a lull in conversation is sort of like a commercial break or something. She says women don't want to miss anything important or entertaining.

This may or not be true. Once again, I am not a doctor. However, if a bunch of girls are going into the restroom together? Cocaine.

Alternately, one of them needed a tampon. Or they want to talk about you where you can't hear them. You are welcome.

2. Why are women's restroom so much more disgusting than men's?
The author says something about women fearing filth, which triggers a fight or flight response. So obviously, women run in terror from the floating shit in the toilet and forget to flush their own.

Hmm. I suppose it's a good theory. However, I'd prefer to think it has more to do with the fact women have so much more STUFF at their disposal to be disgusting with. Men's rooms contain urinals, toilets, probably toilet paper and one of those condom vending things.

Women's rooms... they contain mostly the same thing, except the urinals of course. However, they also contain little garbage can things for women to dispose of their used sanitary items in. Yes, I mean tampons and maxi-pads... all covered with uterus lining and other gross shit. Now say you're a woman, taking a piss and you accidentally kick over one of those things? Are you going to pick that shit up and put it back? Fuck no you aren't. Unless there is something seriously, seriously wrong with you, and I don't even need to be a doctor to say that.

3. Why do girls take so long to get ready?
The author says something about changing clothes and make up. Which is probably true. I can't speak for all women, but sometimes, when I feel like dressing like a girl, I do the whole dress, shoe thing and then look in the mirror... And realize that while I may look like a girl, I feel like an absolute fucking moron. So, then I have to put on the jeans and tank top combo that makes me feel normal again.

Also, make up. Shit yes. Not because make up typically takes all that long, but generally because I cannot seem to apply mascara without getting that shit all over my cheeks and eyelids at least once. Which means I have to wipe it off and try again. Which means I have to reapply eyeshadow. Because I really do suck at the girl thing.

4. Why are women's fashions so complicated?
I've never actually met a man that has been baffled by this, however... The author says something about seasons and dressing either slutty or conservative based on the occasion or something like that.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'd go with something much simpler. For example, women  care. We care what you think, we care what other women think, we care whether our grandparents are going to hang their heads in shame if they are seen out with us. Why we care is perhaps even more of a baffling female behavior. Except for the grandparents thing. Obviously.

5. Why do women smell nice?
The author blames pheremones and shampoo and shit. Possible I guess.

Alternately? We bathe. We also tend to use shit like fabric softener, dryer sheets and girly smelling soaps. Because we like that shit.

6. Why do women have so many shoes?
The author blames something about matching shoes and  dresses and outfits and shit. Which essentially is the correct answer. Mostly. Because I know women that own infinite amounts of shoes(ahem, Grandma). I own three. Two pairs of gym shoes and a pair of ballet flat things, because as my youngest daughter pointed out, I look ridiculous in a dress and Nikes.

Actually, I also own a pair of hooker boots. Not because I am a hooker, but because I tend to receive more tips when I bartend in them..

7. Why do women get so upset about the toilet seat thing?
The author says something about how men not having the courtesy to place the lid in the down position illustrates how little he thinks about his girlfriend. Which is baffling in itself, really, because why the fuck are you thinking about her while you urinate. Nevermind, don't answer that shit.

Anyhow, aside from falling into the toilet in the middle of the night, which is easily avoidable by, I don't know, flipping a fucking light switch, men are sloppy pissers. They just are, it biological or something.

Anyhow, while I don't typically get upset by lifted lids... I can certainly say that the bottom of the toilet seat often contains really gross shit. And the toilet rim itself? Fucking gross. Piss, pubic hair, sometimes, inexplicably, feces.

I don't know, but if your girlfriend is continuously bitching about the toilet lid? Maybe try cleaning your toilet.

Once again, I am not a doctor, or even actually a girl most of the time, so feel free to ignore everything I just said. You are welcome.

4 comments:

  1. Yeeaaaahhhh...we go in pairs merely for tampons.

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  2. I always love reading your shit krissy, i laugh every time

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  3. I always love reading your shit krissy, i laugh every time

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  4. This only proves that many writers don't know shit about women. I'm guessing it's because they've probably never been around many and actually had a conversation.

    ReplyDelete