15 June 2012

Holy Crack in a Bottle...

Redbull does not give me wings. Redbull does not phase me. Products containing ephedra don't do a damn thing for me. I live on five hour energy and Monster energy drinks.

That sign that says, "maximum of seven sugars with coffee" at McDonald's? I probably inspired it.

Three shots of espresso in a small coffee with ten sugars just barely gets my motivation motor running.

I have an unnatural tolerance for stimulants. 

And so when my brother asked me if I had ever tried Redline, aka Methamphetamine in a bottle, I was more intrigued than any normal person should be. Which is not to say that I am in any way normal...

Even after reading this warning label:
WARNING: NOT FOR USE BY INDIVIDUALS UNDER THE AGE OF 18 YEARS. DO NOT USE IF PREGNANT OR NURSING. Consult a physician or licensed qualified health care professional before using this product if you have, or have a family history of, heart disease, thyroid disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression or other psychiatric condition, glaucoma, difficulty in urinating, prostate enlargement, or seizure disorder, or if you are using a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) or any other dietary supplement, prescription drug, or over-the-counter drug containing ephedrine, pseudoephedrine, or phenylpropanolamine (ingredients found in certain allergy, asthma, cough or cold, and weight control products). Do not exceed recommended serving. Exceeding recommended serving may cause adverse health effects. Discontinue use and call a physician or licensed qualified health care professional immediately if you experience rapid heartbeat, dizziness, severe headache, shortness of breath, or other similar symptoms. Individuals who are sensitive to the effects of caffeine or have a medical condition should consult a licensed health care professional before consuming this product. Do not use this product if you are more than 15 pounds over weight. The consumer assumes total liability if this product is used in a manner inconsistent with label guidelines. Do not use for weight reduction. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. Do not consume synepherine or caffeine from other sources, including but not limited to, coffee, tea, soda and other dietary supplements or medications containing phenylephrine or caffeine. Do not use for more than 8 weeks. Use of this product may cause your skin to be extra sensitive to UV sources, such as artificial or natural sunlight. Avoid excessive exposures from these sources. Discontinue use two weeks prior to surgery.

And after also realizing that I had already taken two five hour energy drinks and that I was more hungover than I have probably ever been, I decided that I certainly could handle four ounces of the stuff. So, I drank it. Because my brother had issued a challenge of sorts and also because I desperately needed some energy.

You see, I thought the hangover was going to kill me.

I am reasonably sure that hangovers do not actually kill people, but I thought I was probably dying.

And then I drank the crank in a bottle and I was absolutely certain that I was going to die.

Just moments after drinking the ass-tasting energy drink, my hands began to shake.

My heart was pounding. I could feel it beating against my sternum, probably.
I could feel my heartbeat in my freaking eyeballs.
That shit's not normal.

I could not sit or stand still, not only because of my overabundance of energy, I was afraid that if I stood still for a few moments too long, people would notice my heart beat through my chest. 

I was sweating.
And freezing.
The closest I can get to explaining this hot-cold thing is the really awful fever chills you get when you have the flu... the really bad flu.

Which is funny really, because the next thing I experienced was mind numbing nausea.
You know, the kind where you are afraid to even breathe for fear of puking right there in front of everyone?
Mouth watering, stomach gurgling, whole body shaking and sweating, I figured  I should probably go the fuck home and die already.
Once there, the vomiting began and refused to let up until well into the wee hours of the morning... and I drank half a fucking bottle of this shit!

I wish I could say it ended there when I finally passed out, but it didn't.
The light headed, spacey feeling persisted well into the next day, at least until the diarrhea started. 

I found out during a discussion later with the gas station lady about how the shit almost killed me that it is used as a work out aid!
I have visions of people simply keeling over on a treadmill after drinking 2 to 4 ounces of the stuff.

So, probably, the next time someone offers me meth in a bottle I am going to tell them that I just did a few lines of the real stuff, but thanks anyway...


  1. And yet you know you're gonna want more.....

    1. No. No no no no... well maybe... If I were really really desperate maybe.

  2. Years ago, they made a 24 hour, time release cold/allergy relief medication that was loaded with ephedrine to keep the sinuses clear. I don't think they make it any longer, at least not over the counter.

    I was at work, desperate for relief from a cold, when my boss said he had just what I needed. It worked, but I felt like drank 12 cups of strong coffee. Fifteen hours later, I finally fell asleep; only to awake 2 hours later.

    I felt like hammered crap when it finally left my system.

    1. Hammered crap. That's awesome. And accurate.

  3. Krissy, you would have made a great soldier. I know, cuz I was one for 24 years. Just ask Wirecutter, we be friends. Damn but you got some MOXY girl, I respect that! You have the survivor gene in you and that is unique. Maybe 1 or 2 out of 5 have it. As a combat vet, I think you are someone I would welcome as a friend. Most everybody else are fools stumbling thru life clueless in Seattle....

    1. That is maybe the best compliment I have ever received. I am touched and flattered. Thank you.
      PS- I had to google MOXY.

    2. You are welcome, my dear!

  4. I used to drink 3 of those a shift...Tob'
    Then there was this chest pain thing....get it?

    1. Yep. Probably that was your heart trying to break through your chest cavity to escape. :-)

  5. It was kinda fun to watch though !!!!