19 July 2012

Rest Easy

We were kids together.
The four us, mostly, because Jay was so much older.
Road trips with Grandma.
God, we must have driven her insane.
Those damn trees, remember?
"Look at the pretty trees..."
She talked about them the whole way down to Indy.
Payback probably for the bouncy balls and the gum in her car's carpet.
For the cigarette butts behind her garage.
Remember how she always knew when we had been smoking pot?
I still don't know how she knew.

Christmas Eve and Easter Day.
Coloring eggs.
You stapled my finger.
You tried to shoot me with the nail gun when we were doing the roof.
We had the whole damn world in front us.

Your brother's wedding.
All those boys, and finally that baby girl you were so enamored with.
We joked about taking a collection in the family to pay for a vasectomy for you.
I'm sorry now.
For not understanding.
For judging you.
For not realizing that you weren't you anymore.

You made it easy, all those things you did wrong.
Immoral and illegal.
Chasing that motherfucking dragon.
Anything for the drug.
I didn't understand.
You had demons I couldn't see.
Wouldn't have understood them if I had.
I didn't understand, then, what that drug did to people.
How it changes you.
Controls you.

That last high.
I won't pretend to understand it.
Seems so simple to me, you had so much going for you again.
Seemed like you were gonna make it this time.
You didn't.

So here we all are, grieving for you.
For all that you were and all that you could have been.
All of your children, fatherless now.
Your mother, devastated by the loss of her firstborn.
Your brother.
God, your brother.
You two were inseparable for so long.
Your dad.
Grandma.
She's heartbroken.
One should never have to bury a child, a grandchild.
It happens, I know.
That doesn't make it better, easier.

I wish you'd known how much you were loved.
I wish you hadn't gone back to that dark place.
Where you were all alone.
And you couldn't see a way out, except for that high.
Just a few years ago, we all expected this day.
It would have hurt, but it wouldn't have shocked so many people.
We all had faith that you'd make it this time.
Makes it so much harder to accept.

At least you're out of the darkness now.
Rest easy, Cousin.
I pray you find the peace in death that you couldn't find in life.

8 comments:

  1. I keep reading this over and over Krissy. Xoxoxo

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    1. Me too. Keep thinking of him as a kid.

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    2. The love of a cousin lost. A very beautiful tribute Krissy. Love & hugs to you at this most difficult time.

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  2. Your writings are so incredible. Once I start reading any of them. I cannot stop...This one truely hit home. I am so sorry for your and your family's loss!!! My prayers are with all of you and I hope your cuz does find his peace :) <3

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. And I'm sorry it hits home. Addiction is an ugly bitch.

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  3. Jeff was a good friend of mine for a long time, we got high together, we were in jail together and yet he got clean and than od'd, i have never gotten clean and stayed clean! I miss him so much and i am glad he is no longer suffering! Very well written, made me cry!

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