24 July 2012

The Lies I Tell... Everyone

I lie to people.
All the time.
Bosses, friends, coworkers... children, mine and other peoples, and also random strangers.
So just in case anyone has ever believed a word that I've said...

I am not now, nor have I ever been, on a methamphetamine and laxative diet.

While snorting drugs does make them work faster, I don't actually snort my daily vitamins.
Or anything else that I have claimed works better if you snort it, including but not limited to, zinc, magnesium,  tobacco, tequila or bologna.

I was not, in fact, born a poor black child. 


I do not really believe we should arm small children to make classrooms safer. 



I don't use bath salts.
I just like to say "bath salts". 
At ridiculous random moments.
I also like to yell "MEDIC" and "GET OFF THE X!" when it's busy at work.

"That" did not actually also happen to me once. Whatever "that" may be at a particular moment.

Any statement that is immediately followed by the words, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke," should never be considered actual advice.
Ever.

My dad was also not born a poor black child.

My husband was born in the USA. So he really doesn't have a green card, but it is not because he is an illegal alien from Mexico.

We do have running water and electricity at my house.

I did not lose a leg in any war that I did not go to.

I do not handcuff my children together when they fight.
I want to, but I'm pretty sure DCFAS would frown on it.
I also do not discipline them with a stun gun.
I really don't discipline them at all, they are all heathens.

I do buy shoes for the babies in the summertime.

I was not there when Kennedy was killed.
Obviously I was not the guy on the grassy knoll. 

I do not let the dog clean the kids off instead of bathing them.
Unless they puke.
Shit.
That's a lie also.


I did not, at any time, apply nail polish with a paint roller.
It looks like I do, but I didn't.



My balls did not, in fact, drop well after puberty.
They did not drop at all.
I don't have testicles.







5 comments:

  1. It's a shame you don't have balls. They are so much fun to scratch when you wake up in the mornings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right! Er. I've heard anyway... All the cool kids have balls.

      Delete
  2. That sure clears up a few things.

    Without a stun gun, how will you ever prepare your children for college?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are still pretty small... 11, 6 and 3. I am counting on my maternal instincts to tell me when they reach the appropriate age for tazing....

      Delete
  3. This is the first post I have read of yours , but now I feel I must go catch up.

    ReplyDelete