27 November 2012

Wanted: Grown Ass Adult

There is a great need for an adult babysitter service. 

For adults I mean. For grown ass children... meaning me, and more than a few of my friends.

We are in desperate need of a grown up.
I have googled, and while one can hire a babysitter for an adult, they are not exactly what I am looking for. 

Probably I am going to have to place an ad on craigslist and simply hope I won't attract psychos.

WANTED: One adult, male or female, to babysit a varying amount of grown ass children as they attempt to make asses out of themselves in multiple bars. 

Candidate does not have to be a non-drinker, although it is highly recommended as we seem to be able to talk just about anyone into doing the most ridiculous things after a certain amount of liquor is consumed.

We have no qualifications for this position, but the ideal employee will be responsible for securing our belongings, most specifically, Krissy's phone and keys. Employee should feel free to actually super glue said belongings to grown ass children. Employee will also be responsible for ensuring any and all bar tabs are closed and credit cards returned before leaving any establishment. Employee must also remember which establishments we are not supposed to be frequenting, and dissuade any and all attempts to enter them anyway.

Employee MUST be skilled in discouraging the singing of karaoke. This is of the utmost importance, as the last rendition of "Fuck You" by CeeLo Green, as performed by EZ, Krissy, J, and C caused countless earbleeds and more than a few tears. We were so awful ...er... inspiring that the karaoke DJ's felt it was their  duty to join in with us. I can not recall whether they turned our microphones off at that point or not, but it is a fair bet.

Employee will dissuade picture or video taking, or alternately, delete any photos or videos at the conclusion of the evening.

Employee will not allow Krissy to present any single bar patron with a tampon, whether said patron is drinking like a girl or not.

Should any evening conclude in a truck stop diner, employee will be responsible for removing any and all makeshift weapons from the booth or table; including, but not limited to, creamer packages, sugar packets, straws and wrappers, and forks on extreme occasions. Should the employee fail to complete this task, he or she will be responsible for making sure any and all remaining grown ass children pay their bills and vacate the premises before any law enforcement agency is summoned.

Please send any salary requirements and contact information to krissy.aguilar@gmail.com

That should about cover it, I think.

02 November 2012

Knock It Off

"So, what's good?"
Tequila is awesome. I love it.
Most people? 
Not so much. 
Some people really, really hate tequila.
Please figure out what the hell you like. 
You're the only one that can.

 "Can I have a Corona with a lime?"
Corona comes with a lime.
If you don't ask for a lime, you're going to get one anyway.
Knock it off.

"What? You need my ID? I come here all the time."
Fucking super, kid.
Now show me your ID or get the Hell out.

"Can I get a red-headed slut?"
One? Just one red-headed slut?
Actually, there is nothing wrong with ordering a red-headed slut... I just really really fucking HATE making them.
Especially one at a time.

Also, please, please stop asking me what the specials are while you are staring at the giant neon specials board behind me. 
Unless you really can't read?
I want to hit you with something heavy.

And in closing, I realize I am only a bartender and therefore must be some sort of drooling fucking idiot...
But I swear to you,  can handle more than one order at a time.
DO NOT order three shots, wait for me to make them and then order two more, wait for those and order a beer. I really, really want to throw things at you.