10 May 2013

Kidneys Not For Sale After All


We all know Krissy lies.
A lot.
To everyone, all the time.

It is entirely possible that I offered to sell not one, but both of one of my good friend's kidneys sometime last week.

Obviously, these are not my kidneys to sell.

 So, to the guy I offered them to... I cannot seem to remember just who you were, by the way. 
I'm afraid I will have to renege on the offer to sell kidneys that are not mine.

First of all, I would probably feel bad about this friend dying for what I seem to remember was a whole $1.50 per kidney. I mean, shit, do you know what kidneys are going for in Mexico these days? 

Also, you did not seem to actually need the kidneys anyway. I think you were buying them for the fun of buying them.
Or maybe you are some crazed kidney-stealing serial killer and you were just looking forward to cutting someone open and removing their kidneys.
If I could remember who you were, that would settle that, probably.

Also, I may have misled you slightly as to the state of well-being of these particular kidneys. 
If, by any chance, I offered to sell you any of our livers? Run the fuck away. You don't want any of this shit.

Judging by my sketchy memory of the events leading up to the kidney sale...It was quite obviously Kensey's long weekend. 
Shit gets crazy when Kensey is on his long weekend.

The liquor and beer we consume could possibly kill a horse. A small horse. Or a medium sized dog anyway. For sure though, you do not want any of our organs. Especially the ones that filter poisons from our bodies.

You also do not want our lungs. We spend far too much time in bars, smoking like chimneys. 
Our lungs hate us. 
So do our kidneys and livers. 

So if by any chance I meet anyone at a bar one night and offer to sell any organs, or all of the organs of any of my friends... Don't fall for it.
 Mostly, I'm lying. 
But even if I'm not lying...There are no lemon laws on black market organs.