25 June 2012

There's Sloppy Drunk, Stupid Drunk, Black Out Drunk, and Then There's This Guy

It is not often that I get to experience the wonder of someone drinking themselves schizophrenic.

But when I do?
It's always memorable.

So these two guys walk into a bar... One of them is average size and build and one of them is a motherfucking giant. 
For real.
I'm 5'2", with shoes on and I came up to this dudes nipples.
Aside from the fact that he is a giant, he has those weird bugged out eyeballs.
You know, the ones that Cesare Lombroso theorized were a physical trait of criminality.
So, yeah.
 Fucking super.

Average Size Buddy orders two beers and hands one to the giant. 
The giant has yet to speak.
He takes a long drink of his beer and shifts his weight unsteadily to lean on the bar. He calls me over and asks me my name before confessing that he loves me.
I, of course, tell him that I love him too, and then leave the general area to let his sober friend take care of him.

I should have cut him off.
But he seemed in high spirits and his friend assured me that he wasn't driving anywhere and that he would take care of him. 
So, I served him one more beer and a shot, and he went to play pool.
I mostly forgot the guy was there until I heard him knock over a bar stool.
He staggers back to the bar and orders another shot.
I pretend not to hear him and he forgets that he ordered it.
He then makes his way from one end of the bar to the other, introducing himself to strangers, hugging them and shaking their hands.
His face looks angry. but he seems to be happy on the inside.
Warning sign number one.
When your expression and your emotions do not match... you're pretty much way past fucked up.

He sits down between one old skinny guy and his small friend.
I couldn't understand what he was saying at first, and neither could the old guy, all I heard was,
"What?! You're a Latin King?" Old guy looks thoroughly confused.
Drunk Giant answers, "Nome...My name is Larrrry KING."
Old guy still looks confused. "You say you're a Latin King?"
Now Drunk Giant also looks confused. "Larry? Larrrrrryyyyy King. Kiinngg."
I am laughing so hard that I have tears in my eyes when I translate Drunken Giant's statement to the old guy. Old guy still looks highly uncomfortable, so I ask the giant where his buddy is.
He looks at me and tells me quite seriously that he has no friends at all.
Then he looks at the old guy sitting to his right and proclaims him to be the best and only friend that giant has left.
I am now making no attempt to hide my laughter from the drunken giant.
Which is rude as hell, but I can't help it.

The guy staggers down to the other end of the bar and plops down next to a young couple. He grins and points at the lady and tells her, "You are sexy as Hell. But you already know that huh?" 
Then he introduces himself to the young man, who must be given credit for taking it all in stride and smiling and nodding.

I walk away, so I do not know what happened to convince Drunken Giant that he should absolutely take his shirt off, but when I return to that end of the bar, I find him bare chested and smiling at absolutely nothing. 
The older guy to the left that the giant has decided is his uncle, follows course and removes his shirt as well.
I think he is not really the guy's uncle, but who knows?
The young couple abruptly move to the other end of the bar. The lady even leaves her purse sitting on the bar....
And then a guy we will call Ben, because that's his name, walks down to the end of the bar. Ben is pretty much a giant as well, but Ben is sober. He stops and notes the now three shirtless men at the bar, because Average Size Buddy has reappeared and decided to remove his shirt as well.
I have tears rolling down my face.
I make a mental note to purchase waterproof mascara.
It's become difficult to speak through my laughter and my
 stomach is beginning to hurt.
Ben does not help.
Ben puts his arm around Giant and says, "Holy shit, it's gotten quite gay out over here."
Fuck you Ben, I'm gonna pee my pants.
And then I almost do, because after his gay statement, Ben picks up the young lady's purse, swings in over his arm and walks down to the other end where the couple are now sitting, to return the purse to the young lady.

Drunk guy refuses to put his shirt back on even after everyone else has. He is to busy hugging his newfound uncle.
He bangs his fist down on the bar suddenly and tells me he wants another beer. I nod and smile and walk away, having just poured out the beer he did have.

At some point he makes his way down to the middle of the bar and places a hand atop Kensey and  Bob's heads and introduces himself and then tells them he loves them and wants to kill them.
He then hold Kensey's hand over his chest and closes his eyes.
Okay, then.
I tell him it's probably time to leave.
He staggers over to the end of the bar and leans against the post. 
I ask him if I can help him.
He shakes his head and tells me that he just wants a drink. but since I have told him that he can't have one, there is going to be evil happening.
I ask him what kind of evil and he shakes his head, almost sadly, and tells me that it has already begun.
I glance around the bar and cannot find any sort of anti-Christ or burning pentacles or upside down crosses or anything, so I pat the guy on the back and walk away, deciding that should he start any fights, I am simply going to kick him in the nuts and call the cops.
Maybe in that order even.
I never, ever, ever call the cops.
But this guy is fucking huge.

He tells me that he loves me again and goes back to talk to his buddies some more.
Fucking super.
I won't lie.
I was relieved when Average Size Buddy finally gets him out of the bar and into his car to go home. He left his hat, but at least he remembered his shirt. 
Hopefully, he will come in to get the hat and I will get the opportunity to tell him that he was a fucking douche bag and also that he made me laugh until I cried.